For the past few days, I've had this post in my head and yet, as I go to write it, that same mind is completely blank. This happens when the fog of depression begins to lift. The things that I had thought about while it covered me seem to dissipate with it. Still, I want to put down what I can and I hope that by sharing it, it will help those who care about me and those who may be having similar struggles or know someone who is. So...let's see what my brain wants to share...

Last week was absolutely horrible for me. You see, I was supposed to be spending the week near someone that means the world to me and a few weeks ago, that trip had to be cancelled. I'm not sure that I realized just how much I had been counting on that trip as a chance to recharge. At least I didn't until Monday.

You see, for as long as I can remember, I've set targets...points to get to...when I drive, I mentally break the trip down into little chunks so that it doesn't seem so long. When I have a period of time where I'm insanely busy, I find some point to get to. I tell myself that if I can just get to that point, it will be okay. It helps me keep going when I'm tired, rundown, and just want to give up. This trip was that point for me. If I could just get to the hotel, everything would be okay. I wouldn't have any responsibilities or anywhere I had to be.

Then, that was snatched away from me and I fell apart. That's the only way to put it. I woke up Monday morning and all day, my brain kept track of where I should be on the last stretch of the drive, of what I'd be doing in the hotel room, how long until I saw my friend...I mentally tortured myself and no matter what I tried, I couldn't stop it. Bipolar brain was fully in control and the more I fought it, the harder it got. I spent so much time in tears just wanting things to be different but knowing that there wasn't anything I could do.

Then, it got worse. When I wasn't thinking about what I "should" be doing, I started thinking about death. No, almost obsessing about it. I wasn't at any risk of killing myself then. I kept thinking about what would happen to various things if I were to die...my websites, my belongings...I became obsessed with the idea of creating a Death file on my laptop. I wanted to fill it with files laying out what I wanted to have happen...how I'd want Nick's original drawings returned to him because I truly feel that I'm only a temporary caretaker of them...how I'd want Geek-o-Rama offered to Brian and then if he didn't want it, I'd want a post placed on the site and left there for 6 months before shutting the site down. Every 30 minute drive in and out of town for 3 days, I obsessed over this.

Something changed on Wednesday evening...around the time that my friend would have been leaving me to go home...the fog started to lift. You see, in my head, the week had been planned out and when it reached a point where I would have been alone again, somehow it started to get easier. In some ways, it was as if I was living one week out loud and another in my head. At that moment, I came to some realizations and they've been floating in and out of my head since then.

Two paragraphs I said that I was at no risk of killing myself then, but that's not really true. I wasn't going to slit my wrists or take all of my medication at once, but I was killing myself...just slowly and in a way that nobody would realize what I was doing. I was going between starving myself and eating so horribly that it would eventually kill me. I stopped taking care of me and was so lost in the fog that I didn't notice. I was wandering blindly, desperately hoping that someone would reach out and give me something to hold onto.

It didn't happen though. Even though I pretty much disappeared from social media, didn't do the site's work for the week, or talk to anyone, nobody noticed or if they did, they didn't reach out. I was lost and there was nobody looking for me. Please don't misunderstand...I realize that other people are busy or just may not have been aware. I don't blame anyone. I'm not upset with anyone. It just hit home that the only people who said to me, "You matter" were on a Facebook post. It brought home just how isolating the fog is.

So here we are...a week out from the fog...and I'm not quite okay, but perhaps I'm no longer lost. I found my way through and I did it by myself. It was harder than if I'd had someone there to hold my hand but it shows that it can be done. I know that more dark times will come but I also hope that I can remember that I'm stronger than I seem and that I can be brave.




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Edit: This was written a week ago, but for reasons..yes, reasons...I waited until today to post it.



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The other day I wrote a post about turning 40 next week and my attitude towards it. I meant every single word in that post and somewhere, under the depression, there is still that spark of excitement over a new year with new possibilities and opportunities.

But right now, it's under the depression. Every year, about a week or so before my birthday, I feel it coming on. I try to fight it. I try to keep busy, to ignore it, but I pretty much fail every time. Very few people understand and that just makes it worse.

I make joking posts on Facebook about how it's 10 days before my birthday and I haven't received a single card yet and how people should celebrate the 10 days of me or something equally silly but under all the frivolity is a grain of truth. I watch other people post about all of the love and gifts and time with people that they got for their birthdays and while I'm so happy for them, a bit of it slices at me. The voice in my head reminds me that when my birthday comes along, I'll be alone, that I'm not important enough or special enough for anyone to be with me. I'll try to tell it to shut up and to remind it that I don't live near anyone, but it reminds me of how I've dropped everything to drive hours and hours or to fly to spend someone else's with them.

My brain can be a total asshole at times. It's worse when I try to talk to others about it because they always have the same response. Stop depending on other people for your happiness on that day. Go and do what you want to do. That's great because I can't do that. You see, all these people have one thing in common...they're in happy, committed relationships or they're surrounded by friends. They aren't alone. They can't understand or don't try to understand that the one thing I want to do that day is not be alone. I don't care if I curl up with someone on the couch and have a movie marathon or what have you. It doesn't have to be big or flashy. I just don't want to be alone.

I want my birthday to be special and in my head that means being with people or at least a person who loves me. I spend every day alone. Being alone isn't special. I can go to the movies or out to eat alone any time I want to. I've spent my entire life not feeling special or wanted.

When I was a child, my sister was the golden child in our household. She could do no wrong and I could do no right. At my mother's house, it was my brother. I had birthday parties canceled because of something they did. By the time I was in high school, I felt as if I were either invisible or expected to be an adult. I just wanted to be a teenager but I had been trained to take everyone else and so I fell into line and did just that.

Then, I got married to the first guy who paid me any kind of real attention and who I thought meant it when he said he loved me. I wrote in other post what birthdays were like for me. I always made a big deal out of his and out of things like father's day but it never worked the other direction. I still felt invisible and as if I were only there to serve a purpose.

After the divorce, I guess I thought things would be different. Instead, I was raped for my 30th birthday by someone I thought I knew and trusted after I'd spent over 12 hours traveling to get to where he was. The fact that I had any spirit left was something to be beaten out of me or taken another way. I was a nobody in his eyes, just something to use, abuse, and then throw away.

I don't remember the next few years...I moved to New York, spent birthdays alone or in class. I moved back to Michigan and I think once since 2007, I spent the day with someone I loved and it was lovely. For my 35th birthday, someone decided to throw me a birthday party...except nobody came which just solidified my feeling of not mattering. Now, here we are, five years later and it's 9 days before my birthday.

I'm depressed, in tears, and just want to put my head down until it's over. Little things feel huge and though I know they're not, I can't seem to push past them. I'm trying. Oh, how I try. I give myself little speeches about how it's not personal if someone sees your messages and doesn't bother to respond to them even though you used to talk every day all the time. It's not personal if someone you've worked with on multiple projects goes ahead with a project without you or without even telling you. It isn't personal if people don't like or comment on your posts or on things you comment on theirs. I tell myself that I'm not invisible. I tell myself that I am loved.

I tell myself all of those things and deep down, I know them all to be true but for the next 9 days it will be a constant battle of depression vs reality. I'm exhausted already from it and I know that there will be a million more tears, a million more times checking my email, a million more times stopping myself from doing things like checking my amazon wishlist to see if anyone has bought anything for me...it will be all of these things and I will win but for now, I fight.

So please...if you interact with me over these next 9 days, try to understand that I'm fragile, that I'm hyper sensitive and that my brain is ready in an instant with some lie or way to misinterpret things. Most of all, just try to love me. Know that I am not this way by choice and that it's something I'm constantly working on and trying to get past. It's hard but not impossible.

I love you all...really and truly, I do and if nothing else, writing this helped me. It cleared things out of my head and somehow, when it's in my own words, in black and white, it's easier to deal with. It gives me those moments of peace where I can take a deep breath and say yep, brain, you suck and you're full of nonsense but I'm going to keep going because I know I'm loved and I'm stronger than this. The depression will strike back but it's those moments..the moments of truth...that keep me going. This post helped me and maybe it might help someone else too.




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Yep. 40. In a mere 13 days, I will be arriving at that major milestone in my life. As with any birthday that ends in zero, it's caused me to be introspective and to look at where my life is, where my life was, and where I'd like my life to go. Then, because I so rarely post here as much as I would like, I decided to share it with you. After all, it was that or do more than pretend to watch one of my least favorite iCarly episodes with the boys. This way, I can be in the room, hanging out with them, but don't have to focus on it. Yay for having teenagers that like you around but don't care if you're watching the show with them!

So...40. Ben tells me that reaching 40 is a major life accomplishment. He didn't expand upon that, but looking back on my life and where I've been, I can't argue with him. There have been times in my life that I wanted nothing more than to no longer be on this planet, but somehow (and with the love and support of some amazing people), here I still am. Do I regret those feelings? No because fighting to get past them is part of what's made me who I am today.

Life hasn't always been grand, but I don't want to dwell on a lot of it. For that you'll have to buy my book. *grins* So let's just talk about birthdays. I don't remember having a birthday party after maybe my 13th. My birthday just kind of became a non thing. After I got married, even my husband didn't give it much attention. If I had a cake, it was because I made it. He'd tell me to go buy something for myself. As the years went on, I felt less and less like I mattered to anyone. It didn't get any better after the divorce.  For my 30th birthday, I was raped. For my 35th, someone decided to throw me a birthday party that nobody came to. After that, I tried to make plans with friends so that I wouldn't be alone but every year for the past 4 years, I've made plans and people have bailed on me.

This year was going to be different. Last year I said that I was going to spend my 40th in England, surrounded by friends. It didn't happen because financially the kids needed those funds for various things. Then, I made tentative plans with someone really special and awesome. Sadly, circumstances have made that impossible.

So where does that leave me? Well, that depends upon how you look at things. Let's look at a couple of scenarios:

1) I turn 40. I spend the entire day alone until it's time to go into town for the football game. At the game, I sit in the stands alone. After the game, I chaperone the dance where I stand alone against a wall and just feel generally miserable. I've had this birthday before. It pretty much sucks.

2) I still turn 40. I don't think I'm going to avoid that. I spend the day doing something I love, like learning or writing or talking with any friends who may be around online. I go to the game and enjoy watching Ben on the sidelines and Roger on the field with the band. Afterwards, we skip the dance, come home and hang out for a while. Then, we take the rest of the weekend and just have fun (except for any homework that needs doing).

In the end, it's about attitude. It's about my attitude towards the day. I could look at 40 and sigh and say life is half over or I could smile and say hey, I have half a life to go, what should I do with it? It's all up to me. I know that option 1 will be what my programmed mind will want to veer towards. My mean brain will tell me that nobody cares enough about me to come and spend my birthday with me, that if people loved me that they'd make a big deal out of the day I was born, that cards and gifts somehow show my self worth. None of that is true, but I've been programmed to believe those things. The bonus of being human and not a computer? I can retrain myself. I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So, that's what I'm going to be working on...that and planning what awesome shenanigans I can get up to in my 40th year! Keep your eyes open for the annual birthday post with my hopes and plans for the upcoming year!

Oh...and if you wanted to get me something, ocd me created an Amazon wishlist specifically just for my birthday. Don't worry. If you don't, I'm not going to take it personally because y'all show me you love me every time I post anything here and you stop by to read. Let's create another year of amazingness because after all 40 is going to be the new me!



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When I wrote the other day, I mentioned "people hoarding" in passing towards the end. I'm back here again to write about that because it's been on my mind ever since it came up in conversation with Justin. So, here we go...this isn't going to be pretty, but as always, it's going to be me...

Sometimes in life, you have a light bulb moment and with people who have things like ocd, for them to make progress, that has to happen. Justin and I were talking the other night...okay, he was talking, I was...what's the word..venting? ranting? I was pouring everything out that had been stuck inside my head. One of the things I said was that I don't know why I even keep certain people in my world...and he agreed with me. Neither of us was sure why I kept people around, even those who had been horrible to me. Then, there was the light bulb. I keep people around for the same reason I keep stuff around. It's a security blanket. I'm afraid that if I cut them loose, it means that I've given up on them and I've had people give up on me and know how painful that can be.

It's more than that though. I'm afraid that if I cut them loose, others may leave and soon, I'll be completely alone. Is that rational? Heck no. Is it a pretty typical thought pattern for someone with anxiety and other issues? Heck yes. We worry that we're such a burden that everyone is going to leave..we're just too much work to be friends with, to love.

With any light bulb moment comes a decision. Do I stay in this pattern or do I try to break it? Today, I'm going to work on breaking it. It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt. With each person, I'm going to mourn what we had and that they chose to not have that. I'm going to list those people here, not out of some sense of revenge, but as a reminder to me of what these people did. In a way, it will be me saying goodbye to them...and as I finish each person, I'll be removing them from my social media and other accounts...It's time to move on with those who truly love and care about me.

Zac - Cheated on his girlfriend with me (I had no idea he was with someone). A few years later, our paths crossed again and he talked about having a relationship with me. Instead, he lied to mutual friends about me, tried to create drama, and then when something happened within the group, allowed his girlfriend who didn't know me to threaten my life.

Brian - Became an incredibly close friend, asked me out and then started dating his best friend that I didn't care for. The problem was that he just stopped talking to me and I had to find this out through a mutual friend. I was okay with him dating her but the fact that he refuses to talk to me tells me that our friendship wasn't all that important to him.

Dawn - Yes, as in my mother. The list of things she's done is too long to mention. Let's just say that her latest childish behavior has pushed me to go past avoidance to just plain removing.

Mark - Yes, my father. He's had a lot of years to make an attempt at being part of my life and instead is just on the drama train with the rest of them. No thanks.

Jim - Someone I considered one of my closest friends. So close that I gave him my grandfather's pen set the last time we exchanged Christmas gifts. Then, he got a girlfriend, got a new grasp on religion and suddenly I no longer existed in his world. He stopped responding to all messages, didn't return phone calls and when a mutual friend died didn't even call me...even when I left a sobbing message on his voice mail.

Other Family - There are a few other family members on my friends list on Facebook and there's really no reason for them to be. I have no relationship with them and due to circumstances, have no real desire to.

That's it for now...I know others will come to mind over time and I hope I have the strength to say goodbye and to move on. Just like surrounding myself with trash and stuff isn't good for my physical or mental health, neither is having these beacons of negativity around. They're constant reminders of people who made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. Even though it's hard, it's time to tell myself that I deserve only the best people in my life, not those who would hurt me without a second thought.

I'm not going to lie to any of you and say that this is easy. My anxiety levels are high and there's that little voice saying, "What if these were the best people you could get?" and "What if there's some kind of fallout from this?"  I'm not listening though. I'm hearing, but I'm not listening. I know for a fact that I have some amazing people in my world already so the first is nonsense. As for the second, I'm fairly certain that none of the people listed above will even notice.



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I don't write much here anymore. Sure, I try to keep it filled with book reviews and if I'm honest, most of the time, I miss writing. Writing is a part of my soul, but it's been a part that I've had to put on the back burner while I dealt with other things. Then, something happened...and it opened my eyes just a little bit wider..

You see, I just returned from spending a week in Canada with one of the most amazing people that I know. I know that I've mentioned him here before. His name is Rob and we've been friends for something like seven years now.  Sometimes it feels like I've known him a blink of an eye and others for a lifetime. He's just one of those people who came into my life and it was as if there was a perfect Rob shaped space that he slid right into. In all that's happened, there has been a comfort knowing that whatever happens, he's in my life for good. I can't imagine us not knowing each other.

Now, before I gush on too much and make y'all think that I'm in love with the man or that we've secretly snuck off to the Canadian version of Vegas (is there such a thing?), let me just say that he really is one of my best friends and if I take sneaky pictures of his backside, that's my business. *grins* Seriously though. Rob is amazing. For starters, he has lost an entire person over the course of the past year or so. I cannot begin to tell you how proud of him I am. He looks seriously amazing and I can tell just how much it's helped his health and has bled into so many other areas of his life.  If that wasn't enough, he's also really taking control of his life and starting to live it for him and his children and nobody else. I've long said (and yes, said it to myself, as well) that you have to live for you before you can add in anyone else. Like me, he had that a bit reversed for a while. It's exciting to watch as he rediscovers aspects of himself.

Folks, that's just what I got to spend a week doing. I got to watch as he puttered around his new apartment, making it just how he wants it. He asked my opinion of where he had things stored and I couldn't help but smile as I told him that it was his place. It only had to work for him. I'd find things if I needed them. I got to listen as he talked about his struggles and yes, preened a bit over his accomplishments. It reminded me of how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. It inspired me. He inspired me.

So, here I am...back at the keyboard because I wanted to put all of this down into words. I'm not sure that I'm really doing it proper justice..just how much that time meant to me...but my heart knows and for once, my head is right on board with it. Every time a negative thought peeks its head in, I'm reminded of how he told me to take away the memories of a good weekend together..I remember and I smile. I'm also taking the inspiration and I'm using it. They may be tiny little things to the "average" person, but to me, they're steps in the right direction...

Since I've been home, I've:

• not left things sitting in the van to be dealt with later.
• stopped drinking most anything other than water.
• hauled out more bags of trash than I'm going to admit to here.
• gotten my new nightstands into place and organized them.
• flipped my mattress and put clean bedding on it.

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Tomorrow is the day where I find out if I'm officially crazy. I've said it before and I guess I'm going to say it again...I don't know which idea is scarier..the one where he looks at me and says there's nothing wrong with you or the one where he looks at me and says yeah, you were right. You have entire subscriptions to issues. I've spent so many years fighting this and I'm so tired. I'm so dang tired and scared.

I'm tired of the days where I wake up and my brain just doesn't work right. It's so hard to explain. It's like I'm in a room and one minute, it's open and light and airy. The next minute, it's filled with dense fog and suddenly there are walls that I can't see and I keep smacking into them. If I try to push past it, I get terrible headaches.

I'm tired of the days where everything seems to be okay but then suddenly I'm caught up in this whirlwind of fear and anxiety and all I can do is sit and rock while I cry, whispering please can't someone help me? Those are the days where I feel so incredibly alone. I feel as if nobody on the planet has the time to just sit and spend a bit of time talking to me. Those are the days when I want to throw myself at the feet of some and beg them to just hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay because okay is the last thing that I can see.

I'm even tired of the up days. The up days where everything is remarkably clear and I can focus and my brain works at super sonic speeds and I get a thousand things done. I'm happy and cheerful and optimistic and nothing can bring me down. They also leave me exhausted, both mentally and physically. Plus, I can't maintain those levels and when I crash, I crash hard.

I'm tired of living life on this rollercoaster where there are times when I don't feel as if I have any control. I'm tired of the "side effects" of living a life this way. I need answers and tomorrow, I will get answers. It's been close to two weeks since I sat in that room and took a battery of tests. Before I took the tests, the psychologist told me that he thinks part of my problem is that I'm too smart and that I'm not using my brain to its potential so it gets bored and bored brains are bad things. He wasn't surprised that I found myself doing editing since it requires a high level of intelligence and attention to detail. Then, I took the tests and I left feeling like an idiot. It's not surprising. The tests are meant to challenge your brain and mine hasn't been properly challenged in a long time. It's like using muscles that haven't been used in years..they moan and groan and struggle.

Tomorrow, I get answers and I'm scared. Deep down I know that it will all be okay but on those upper levels, I'm scared and I just want someone to hug me, to hold me and to tell me that it's all going to be okay.




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I haven't been posting here regularly for a while now. Usually I come back and I make some lame excuse or laugh off my absence. Today..Today, I'm going to tell you the truth of where I've been.

I've been right here. I've been sitting here, staring at this screen and wishing desperately for the knowledge of how to tell any of you who still read here that I'm not okay. I'm not fine. If I say those words, odds are that they're lies because while I so desperately want to be, I'm not fine and I'm not okay. I haven't been for a long time.

Oh sure, there are good days. Everyone has good days, even me. There have been days where I feel like I'm on top of the world and nothing can bring me back down. Those days are almost too good. They give me hope and for a brief shining moment, there's clarity.

Then, there are the bad days. Oh God, the bad days nearly kill me sometimes. Those are the days where I sit and cry because my life just feels impossible. Those are the days where I look down at my wrists and I think about how good it would actually feel to slice open that fragile skin. I don't want to die. It's not about death. It's about feeling something other than whatever is holding me down.

I met a boy not so long ago and he was wonderful. For the first time, perhaps ever, I opened myself up to him. I showed him the good days and I showed him pieces of the bad days. It was hard because I was so afraid that the "truths" of the bad days really were the truth. The voices that tell me that I'm useless, that I'm ugly, that I'm stupid, that I don't deserve happiness..I was so afraid that he would look at the real me and just confirm those things. He didn't, but he still broke my heart. You see, I showed him the real me and he said the real me doesn't exist.

Do I exist? That's such an awful question if you think about it. We all want to exist. We all want to be important in someone's world, don't we? To have someone say that you don't exist and then prove it by completely shutting you out of their world is just awful. It's been a couple of weeks and it still fills me with a horrible amount of sadness.

You see, I do exist but I exist within a world that not many people understand or even get to see. I live in a world where I may be on top of the world for a few days and then below the bottom of the ocean for a number after that. I ride a chemical and emotional roller coaster that makes no sense to many who haven't lived it themselves.

There are days when I don't want to get out of bed, where all I want to do is pull the covers up over me and pretend that I don't exist. It would be so much easier than trying to push through it. How do you explain to the people around you, the people who tell you how smart you are, that there are days where trying to think or put together coherent thought is like being in a smoke filled box where you can't see the walls and so you keep slamming into them as they move in closer and closer to you? That the very attempt at trying gives you awful headaches but you keep trying because you don't want anyone to see just how much you struggle with something that other times comes so easily? How do you explain that sometimes it's like there are two of you living inside your own head? There's the completely logical, rational, totally you girl..your true personality and spirit..but then there's this emotionally rabid creature that just reacts without reason. How do you explain that it's that second girl who desperately seeks out love and affection, even when it's not healthy? It's that girl who will crumple into a weeping pile over something said without any intent of harm or malice?

Those are the bad days, the days where I spend all day fighting myself until I'm an exhausted mess by the end of the day. Those are the days when I try to avoid people and yet everything within me screams to be with certain people. You see, I have what I call my safe zone..those people who have known me for ages and yet still accept me, even on the bad days when I know they don't understand what's happening with me. They're my 5 safe places. The irony is that I can't easily access any of them but they're the 5 that deep down I know that if things got bad enough, they'd be there.

It's not all bad days though. There are the way too good days too. The days where I wake up and I'm on top of the world, nothing can stop me and it's going to be amazing. Those are the days where I'm like a machine. I can accomplish amazing amounts of things and I'm happy, cheerful, bubbly and everyone loves me.

The problem with those? It's not normal or healthy either. A person cannot maintain that level of omgtheworldisawesomeandyesitalklikethisonthosedays. My brain moves at hyper sonic speeds and it's not unusual for me to have half a dozen things going on at once in it. I could be hearing a song, arguing with myself, thinking over some problem, sorting out a schedule and all this going on while I'm actively doing something else. Other times, my body is still as still can be because my brain is moving so fast that I don't need to move. For me, they can last no more than a few days and then the crash comes and I go through a series of bad days. Then, if I'm lucky, it balances out and I have
"normal" days for a little while before the whole cycle starts again.

You see, this isn't just depression. I've done depression and this is something more.  If I had my guess, it's Bipolar II disorder. My guess isn't good enough though, so I'm seeing a clinical psychologist next week. I need to know what's wrong with me and if it's even possible for me to live a normal life. I need to know if I can be just me without all of this holding me down and holding me back. I know that I will never get the boy back or help him to understand that I loved him enough to
show him the good and the bad, but maybe I can help other people understand what it's like to live with this by writing about it. It's a scary, scary place where so often I feel incredibly alone, so alone that I panic and will reach out to people who have no idea just how badly I need them to hold my hand and to tell me that it's going to be okay.

I'm just a girl, lost in her own world, who needs to know that even when she's "crazy", she's still loved.




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Bonus Fact! This isn't me.

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Some of you may know that I have problems with making and keeping friends. This isn't a new issue. It's been something I've struggled with for a lot of years. It's something that has once again reared its head and something I've spent a lot of time thinking about.

Justin, more than once, has pointed out how much of a people person I am and how people like me and yet he couldn't understand why I don't really have friends. It's been pointed out by others the past couple of days with comments like, "I've seen how you are with people." and "People love you." I love people too. I'm just terribly afraid of them.

So here, in my safe place, I'm going to share my thoughts on why I don't have friends. If you choose to comment, please choose to comment out of love and for no other reason. This post is for me. It's my chance to explore and I'm trusting all of you enough to share that process with you.

For as long as I can remember, I haven't had more than one or two close friends. Even going back so far as elementary or middle school, I can only remember having one close friend at a time. My fear of rejection was already firmly in place, even if I didn't realize it.

You see, I've lived a life of feeling replaced and unwanted. It started with my parents. When they divorced, they handed my sister and I to my grandparents and walked away. It wasn't for any good reason, just that they couldn't be bothered being parents anymore. Then, growing up, my grandparents babied my sister and my mother actually chose to raise my brother. I wasn't the important one to anyone.

Fast forward to middle school. For most of elementary school, I only remember having one close friend. Her name was Kim and when we got to middle school, she made new friends (like kids do) and I felt left out and replaced and unwanted. So, I made friends with Mike and we were best friends from then until we graduated high school. Then, I went off to college and Mike started hanging out with Jana and even he admitted later that she replaced me because he missed me. The bad part of that? I didn't have a new best friend..I was on the outside again.

Fast forward to my marriage and let's just say I felt very easily replaced. I've lived my whole life feeling as if I am easily replaced. Because of this, I've built up this defense mechanism that doesn't allow me to see that people really like me. I lived in Buffalo for two years and it wasn't until I was leaving that I realized that people were actually going to miss me. Rob and nickle loved me for two years but we didn't become friends until I left because I never realized.

Over the past couple of days, I've been encouraged and pushed..yes, pushed..by some of those closest to me to attend an event where there'd be a chance for me to meet local people and to maybe make some friends. My answer was simple. I don't want local friends. I like the friends that I have. I know that to some that sounds ridiculous. How could someone not want local friends? The answer is simple. Fear.

Because of my past, I have a hard time letting people get close to me. When people start to, I instinctively and subconsciously start to pull back. Please believe me when I say it's not intentional. I am so afraid of being hurt, rejected or replaced, that I pull back before anyone can do that to me. The thing is...I'm still hurt because in my messed up way, I see it as the other person pulling away.

Then, on the rare occasion, that I either let someone get close..or like in the case of Walter, they somehow slide past the barriers without me realizing, I become terribly possessive of that friendship. I'm so scared that someone else will come along and replace me that I can't seem to easily or willingly share that person with others new people. Prior friends are ok, but I see each and every new person, especially if they're female, as a threat. In the end, I really believe that this perceived threat combined with "x" spending time with someone new must mean that they love me less ends up driving people away.

It was pointed out to me today that just because people meet new friends, spend time with other people, etc doesn't mean that I've done something wrong. The sad part is that while my head knows that's logically true, my heart doesn't get it. My heart and my head rarely agree on things. My heart is that little voice inside my head that says what did you do now? What is wrong with you that you can't keep your friends interested in being your friends? It's the part of me that's been hurt so many times that doesn't want to let anyone new in but desperately wants to hold onto those that it loves.

Those in my life know that this mellows with time. Over time, as their behavior towards me doesn't change just because new people come in, I calm down and am far closer to normal..It's those new friendships that run the risk of me scaring the bejeebers out of the person and them running for the hills.

It's been said of me, by someone who has known me over 15 years, that when I love, I love unconditionally and that I would do absolutely anything for someone that I love. He said that the problem is that most people aren't like that. Most people have an inherent selfish streak and when that comes up, I don't know how to handle it because I judge people off of what I would do and there are so very few people in the world that are like me.  I'm sensitive to changes and I overthink them and I panic. Those who can roll with that and reassure me and tell me they love me..those are the ones that stay. Those who can't, walk away. As someone who can't walk away, I'm crushed each and every time this happens.

In the end, making new friends means putting my heart at risk again. It means needing people and not knowing how to tell them what it is I need or make them understand why I am the way that I am. People frequently look at my family and say how did you turn out so normal? The truth is..I didn't. I'm as messed up as any of them. It's just that my messed up is internal while theirs is there for all the world to see. By keeping people out, they don't see how messed up I really am.

I know that this isn't healthy, but it is who I am. Last night, I walked into a new group of people that I had never met because those who love me reassured me that if I needed to, I could walk away. For those who have stuck with me and rolled with the neediness, the possessiveness and the moments of fear and panic, there aren't enough words to thank you. I hope that you know how much it means to me to have some amazing people as friends. I frequently feel as if I don't deserve you or question how anyone so incredible could love me, but somehow you do and here you are.

For the person who I feel as if has pulled away from me because he has a new friend...I'm sorry. I really and truly don't want to feel the way that I do and I try to fight it for you. Somehow, you snuck past the barriers and you're different. As those who have gotten past those barriers before you and who I've spoken to about you..they'll all tell you that you're something different in my life. I'm terrified, plain terrified, of losing that and of losing you and it's causing me to act out. I promise that if you hang in there, it does get easier. It's probably never easy to be my friend..but I hope that the rewards are worth the effort.

For the new people who may come into my life..all I can say is that you've been warned. As for will I make new friends? I can't honestly say. I went last night and it was a huge first step for me. I think I'll go back again next month and see what happens next...



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So, that was a short lived hiatus, wasn't it? The truth is that I missed people even if they didn't miss me. I missed seeing what was happening in people's lives and talking with them, even if it were just through the internet. I know some would say that I wasn't gone long enough for anyone to miss me and maybe that's the truth. Maybe it's not. After all, there are those that I speak to online every day or via text every day and I still miss them. I miss their physical presence in my life. I miss being able to reach out and touch them or to hug them or to kiss them. I miss looking in their eyes when we speak and seeing the love and affection there. So, just because you're online or on a phone doesn't mean you can't be missing the person.

I came across this graphic the other day and it said in ways that I haven't been able to what I've been going through. It's fairly common knowledge that I'm the girl who is always trying to make sure that everyone around her is happy. It's also known, at least to me, that I don't know how to say I need you..or help...I have friends, real and true friends, scattered all over the globe, but I'm afraid to ask if I can come see them, if I can spend time with them because deep down I know how much I need that connection and what if they say no? People know when I'm down or when I'm up. I don't really try to hide that but sometimes, maybe I do hide just how down or just how much I need something or someone.

So, to all of you who know me and who love me, take this graphic to heart. Reach out to me and reach out to those other happy makers in your life. You never know when your words or your hug might be the thing that makes someone's day. I know, for me personally, that when my phone rings with an unplanned phone call from a friend, it makes a huge difference in my day. It feels good to know that someone is out there missing you or thinking about you. Receiving a random text message that says I love you (yes, with the I..not the casual love you or love ya) or some other silly sweet thing can put a smile on my face but nothing beats hearing someone tell you that they love you and care about you or want you in their lives forever.

I should get off here though. I have a bathroom to clean and a dinner to get ready for..Yes, that's right..I'm actually leaving my house to go be social with a bunch of strangers. Wish me luck! I leave you with this thought..one I've been thinking a lot about:

It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.



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I just wanted to let you know that I'm taking a bit of an internet break. Lately, the internet and I haven't been so much friends as two individuals staring at each other while wondering how we got to where we are. I need a break. I need to heal. I need to find myself in everything. I've spent the past year trying to make everyone else happy and I've forgotten what it's like to be happy myself.

No, that's not quite true. I had a taste of happiness a few weeks ago and since then, everything has changed for me and I'm struggling with what it all means. I'm struggling with the pains of seeing the world differently and watching things that I held impossibly dear crumbling away like they never existed.

So, for now, my dear readers, I'm taking a leave from all of you. It's not forever. I suspect it won't be more than a week or so but I know you can live your amazing lives without me. Be strong and be awesome. Remember that words can have the power to build a person up or tear them apart. Remember that words are powerful, whether they're spoken out loud, written on paper or seen on a screen. It's the loss of those words that I'm struggling against.



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The other day I told you all about my first day at the Phoenix Comicon. Since then and even before then, I've been trying to figure out how to tell you all about the other days. You see, there were some good, some bad, some amazing and some eye opening moments that weekend but so much of it is still so tangled up inside of me that I'm not sure what to even say about it. I'm going to do my darndest to give you a good taste of what really is an amazing con but please forgive me if it's not my usual joyful bubbling.

Friday -
Friday..oh Friday..I woke up early because I had decided to surprise Walter by meeting him at the airport. Justin stayed behind at the hotel to try to figure out just how my corset was supposed to be laced. Meeting up with Walter was pure amazing. It was the first time in my life that I wasn't worried or nervous about meeting someone. Turns out I was right, him and I just fit together somehow. After grabbing the shuttle back to the hotel, it was off to breakfast, a quick stop at Target and then on to the con!

We got there with a bit of time to spare before the one and only panel I managed to attend started. Since there was only 20 minutes or so, though, we decided to just go sit in the room and wait. I kind of dragged Walter along with me (What? I had good intentions..his friends would be doing the panel plus he's cute and I didn't want to let him wander off and make plans with anyone else! Yeah, I'm greedy..it's been established.) but he really didn't want to be in there so eventually, we agreed that he'd go find Mike and meet up with me after the panel was done. Justin and I enjoyed the panel..it was typical Raven and Andy silliness which always makes me laugh. I was amused when the moderator wanted me to say something and Raven was like umm no..that other girl, call on her. You'd think he'd heard my side of things or something....


For the record, since Raven wouldn't let me speak, here's my take:

1. Skynet involves nukes. Nukes create zombies. Both apocalypse happen together. I'm screwed.
2. Zombies are like ants. You won't be safe out on the water. They'll just keep plunging in until they form a zombie road.

After the panel, Walter was totally true to his word and we met up. Justin decided to stay upstairs for another panel so we headed down to the show floor. That's when I goofed things up...fast forward a while...Got to meet up with Ross and give him his surprise. That part was fun. I also picked up some new goodies, also good.

Saturday -
.....Umm...Geek Prom! Yes, we attended Geek Prom! After a really hard day, Walter agreed to attend with Justin and I and I am so, so, so glad that he did. The event was different but it looked like everyone was having a lot of fun. It was good to be able to watch some real silliness happening. Even if you're not into dancing to geeky music, I recommend this event. It's fantastic for people watching. If I'm lucky enough to attend next year, I'll be attending this again..it's a fun event plus the proceeds go to a great charity.

Sunday -
Poor Justin wasn't feeling so good on Sunday so he pretty much left Walter and I alone to wander the con floor, seeing friends and me frantically doing things I should have done the other days. People love Walter and it made me smile to see them light up when he'd come around. I can't blame them..he showed me what it was like to be really happy again. That's all I'm going to say on that.

Walter and I did a bit of last minute shopping and a lot of last minute talking and for me, wishing that the weekend wasn't coming to an end. There was so much more that we could have seen and experienced, but I have no regrets, just things to look forward to next year.

So while this is probably the worst con write up ever, I hope that you guys understand that it's not the fault of the event itself. The event is amazingly well organized and well run. The exhibitor floor was filled with fantastic artists, writers and companies. The panels were varied and there was something for everyone, no matter what your interest. My weekend was amazing but not because of the con and it's because of that, I can't do this event justice with this post. I promise to do better next year..

For now, I'm going to leave you with this rather bad picture of two people who found each other that weekend and who I consider to be very, very lucky...as he put it best, he's my best friend and somehow something more.





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It was just after midnight on Wednesday morning..or was it Tuesday night? Did it really matter? What matters is the post. The post that started everything all over again. The post that had the internet humming with rumors and theories. The post..the post that one man made to one woman that simply said I love you Katrina.

They thought they had stopped the rumors, but with those four little words, they all started up again. This time, they were even more intense. It went beyond the rumors that they were in love, that she was moving to be with him. As the days went on, they grew more wild. There were the rumors that they were a couple, that they were engaged, that she carried his con child, that their appearance at geek prom together was some sort of sign...

Things just got worse when new appliances started showing up at his house. Surely this was the sign that everyone had been waiting for. Everyone knew that men never bought appliances. This must mean that a woman was coming to live there soon and who else could it be but the mother of his con child?

The internet waited, watching as day after day went by. They carefully scrutinized each and every one of their Facebook posts, talking in secret about what was so clearly going on. If she posted that she wasn't feeling good, they nodded their heads in sage understanding. It must be morning sickness. Having a con baby was a lot like catching the con crud, they murmured among themselves.

If he posted anything about being sad, they whispered how must he must be missing her and it was only a matter of time now. He obviously would be concerned with the health of her and the child. If there were posts of joy and happiness, it was clear that things were going well and the announcements would be made any day now...

He had said he loved her and she loved him. It was only a matter of time now, they told in their secret groups and messages. They placed bets upon which day the child would be born and the announcement of their marriage made. Together, they planned out the lives of two people..who at the end of the day, merely loved each other.



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I'm going to do something I don't think I've ever done here and I'm going to ask you to help out a fellow human being. In specific, I'm going to ask you to help out my friend, Kate. Kate is this incredibly kick ass, bad ass, sweeter than hell woman who has been an amazing friend to me during one of the hardest periods of my life. Now, I want to give back to her.

Kate's grandma isn't doing super well and Kate needs to get back home to Pittsburgh so that she can spend some time with her. Right now, she's living in Phoenix and like most of us doesn't have ready funds available. That's where all of us come in. We're going to get Kate home and I'm hoping that we can do it with all of your help. If you have an extra $5, please considering donating it to this beautiful woman who is setting pride aside and letting us help her. I have her paypal addy and will happily share it with anyone who asks me.

I'm not the only one asking you to help though...SpazDog Comics also has a wonderful thing that they would like to do to help her out. In their own words:

Kate Finnegan is the colorist who colored our Phoenix Comicon Exclusive Cover of Unite and Take Over Volume 2: A Smiths Comic Anthology. Her grandmother has taken ill and she needs to move back to Philly* asap. For those of you who want to support a comic book artist and get something for it, I'm offering to mail out a copy of her limited cover book (only 200 made) if you send payment directly to her so she can move back to Philly. To sweeten the deal, the first 20 people also get the PCC guitar pick (http://www.phoenixcomicon.com/images/upload/Exclusives/5-20/2012_unite_take_over.png). Send a paypal payment of $23 ($30 international) to ksfinn85@gmail.com and forward the payment confirmation with the mailing address to shawn@spazdogpress.com and I'll ship the book.

Please note that it is actually Pittsburgh and not Philly, but you know what? That's an amazing thing for them to do. If you do this to get something awesome or if you do this because you feel called to help, I want to say thank you. Thank you for giving an amazing woman more time with someone so important to her. You guys know that I lost my grandma just a couple of months ago and I am so thankful for the time I had with her. Kate was someone who spent ages talking to me and listening to me. Let's give her that time.



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I know some of you must have been wondering what happened to me and where I've gone. I *think* that I posted here about my grandmother's passing. It's been a rough time since them around the homestead. I've been juggling far more than I realistically thought I could and while it hasn't been perfect, we've been surviving. I've been running back and forth to Corunna to help deal with her house. My mother and my uncles have decided to hold an estate sale so there's the process of sorting out what's worth any money and what's just worth something to me. It's exhausting but it has to get done.

Then, to add insult to an already painful time, my poor laptop decided to give up on me. While in the middle of something, the video card just said goodnight and refuse to wake back up. I am thoroughly blessed to have a man who felt this was unacceptable and after our replacement card didn't work, ordered me a new laptop. He's a pretty laptop, all blue and shiny.  We're still getting to know each other but I think it's going to be a good relationship. ;)

So, that's it. That's where I've been. The boys had their spring break last week and it was nice to have them here for an entire week. We didn't do a whole lot but it was nice to spend time together. We watched movies and played games and yes, did more than a little housework.

I wish I could say that everything was sunshine and roses, but it really isn't. I've been struggling and those closest to me know just how much. I've been really blessed though to have some amazing people in my life right now who just refuse to let me give up. Granted, I don't really want to give up but on those days where it just feels like I can't do anything right or the whole world hates me, they've been there to push me along. I can't begin to tell you how much the Facebook messages, ims and text messages have meant to me. They say that in times of dire need you find out who your friends are and it makes me sad and happy all at once to say that's true. I've discovered that some that I thought closest to me really weren't and those that are more recent friend finds have been the most amazing.

Which brings me to today's announcement! I won't be home this weekend! Ok, I know..you're hoping for more than that brilliant revelation. Well, there is more. I won't be home because I'll be in Chicago! That's right, this girl right here has a press badge (me? press? what?) to attend C2E2. I'm headed out tomorrow to go meet all sorts of amazing folks and I promise to come back with pictures, at least one interview and who knows, maybe even some prize giveaway type items. This will be my first trip to "the big city" all by myself and I'm a little nervous about the whole taking a train and multiple shuttles thing but hey, if they consider me press, I'd better darn well act all confident and stuff, right?

So, if any of you happen to be attending this weekend, drop me a line and let me know. Maybe we can meet up! Otherwise, keep your eyes open because I'm darn well trying to be back!




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This isn't the post that I had planned on writing today. I had planned on a lovely book review for all of you to read and maybe even go find so that you could read it yourself. That was my plan. Then, life happened.

Life has a way of happening to me. I spoke with an amazing friend today on the phone and even he commented that when something good happens to me, life seems to come along and try to knock me down. In the past, I've let it knock me down. I've let it knock me down, let it move forward and then I've struggled back to my feet. It somehow always seemed easier that way. Don't fight it, just let it happen and then move on.

Today, I didn't let it happen and move on. I had someone hurt my feelings and I told them that they hurt my feelings. It wasn't just my feelings. They hurt me. It was like a physical blow. It made me cry. Today, I stood up for myself and said hey, you hurt me. They never responded directly to me. Instead, there was a comment on Twitter directed towards a group we're both part of. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for showing me part of your true nature. Life happens.

Life happened 11+ years ago when my baby boy was born with Cerebral Palsy. It happened again yesterday when we had to go speak to a surgeon about lengthening his hamstrings. It happened while she lectured us on how we haven't been doing enough for him and if we didn't do what needed to be doing, surgery could make things worse. I left that office feeling like I was the worst mother in the history of parenthood. I have a son who is scared and in tears about having to have surgery and who just keeps wondering why he has to be different from his brother and I don't have the right answers. How do I explain this so he understands and feels good about himself? How do I tell the surgeon that he hasn't had therapy this summer because I don't have the money to take him?

Now, we have to make those big decisions. Do we get him the surgery? I think we've decided that we need to. When do we do it? His dad wants to do it during Christmas vacation because otherwise, he'll miss a week of school. Me? I'm torn between a) it seems a cruel Christmas gift b) but I'll lose a week of my time with him and c) Responsible parents sometimes don't do the popular thing. In the end, I know I'll go with c but sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens that it's not fair.

Life isn't fair. Life is life. Life is hard. Right now, life is leaving me feeling that I'm just not enough. I'm not enough friend. I'm not enough parent. I'm not enough house cleaner or organizer. That's what I'm hearing and feeling right now. Is it true? If I'm honest, I'm going to say partially. I could do better. I need to do better. I've let things slip. I've given in to doing what's easy instead of what needs to be done.

Here's the honest to goodness truth. I need help. Not in the, I'll come take your kid to therapy for you sense, but in the honest to goodness good friend sense. Sometimes, living out here in the middle of nowhere, I feel alone. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm the one who people come to but that I don't ever speak up and say hey, what about me? Sometimes, I'm the one who needs the hug or the shoulder to cry on. I'm not good at that. I was raised to be the strong one. I'm the one who is expected to fix everyone else. The problem with that..I don't fix me or my life. I forget about taking care of me. I need to take care of me and sometimes, just sometimes, I need to be taken care of.






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