Today's question is perfect for this time of year when so many are thinking about the upcoming year and making plans.

Write about three realistic goals you would like to achieve in your lifetime.

1. Publish my stories - This seems kind of duh, huh? Except up until now, I've only been published alongside Nick. Don't get me wrong. I love working with Nick and would forever except he's pushed me out of the nest. He knows me well. If I continue working and writing with him, I'll never tell my own stories and he doesn't want me to miss out on that. He's a good friend. So, my goal is to write and publish my own stories and books. I'd love to sell them too, but right now, it's all about the act of being brave enough to publish.

2. Build up my editing business - I love working with other authors, helping them to build up their writing. While I love writing, I don't want to give up editing and proofreading. I have a goal of making enough money between the two to be able to successfully live without any kind of assistance. It's going to be a lot of work, but I love what I do and I'm okay with work.

3. Own my own house - This last one may be the biggest and hardest challenge, but it would be the ultimate sign of success if I could buy my own house. I like knowing that a space is my own. It gives me the security that I need. Right now, I'm renting a house that needs a crazy amount of work. I'm taking every penny that comes in to pay off old bills and to live. It's my hope that between the first two goals, that I can make enough money to start putting funds aside to save up for a down payment.

These are my goals, what about you? What are your three goals?






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Were you born to shine in one special way? What makes you really stand out?

Wow, I know I've said it before, but some of these questions are just plain tough! This one has been so hard for me that I've sat here for an hour without writing a word! I don't want to skip it though. These questions were meant to keep me writing and to challenge me. I will confess though that for the first time ever, I posted the question to Facebook. Naughty me! I'll include the one response that I've gotten at this point, but first...I want to answer this one for myself. So, let's go!

I don't know if I was born to shine in one special way. I can only say that I was born to be me and after a very long time, I've figured out who that me is. I'm a mom first. I always will be. I love my boys fiercely and would do anything for them. My own parents taught me how not to parent and while it made my life that much harder, they were good teachers. When my own kiddos came along, I knew just how I wanted to parent. I'm not saying being a parent has been easy, but I knew the type of parent I wanted to be anyway.

Second, I'm a writer. I quite often doubt my abilities, but I am a writer. I suspect that it will take me a while to be totally comfortable saying that, but it will come. The more I write, the more I feel it. I'm just not quite past that point in writing that I don't look for encouragement and validation. That's okay though. Life has been a challenge and finding yourself can be darned hard. It's okay to want to hear people cheer you on.

I'm all sorts of other things, but those are the two big ones right now. I mean, I'm also an editor (and absolutely love doing it!) and an organizer and a reader and a journaler. I think that the part that's the most important though is that I'm me and I'm comfortable being me.

Now, Brandy's response:
"You have the most caring, kind soul. You are an excellent writer. You are not a grammar Nazi, although you have the skill.
You are strong and wise enough to know you are not perfect, but a work in progress, and you do what needs to be done."

Do you prefer taking risks or having a safety net?

Oooh...I am 100% a safety net kind of girl. Even my risks have been thought out and weighed. I think this comes from having a childhood where I never felt totally secure. It's made me crave security and scared of risk. Quite often though, I think of a picture that I once saw. On it, it said, "Leap and the net shall appear."

I've worked on following that to a certain extent. Sometimes life is about faith, right? For me, it's having faith in myself that I can do something. I can write a book. I can work hard for my clients and not improve upon their work, but also build good working relationships. Leap and the net shall appear...because that net is me and I'm right there.

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Name one thing that you have lied to yourself about. Why did you do this?

Wow, this is a tough one this week. The first thing that pops to mind is a bit tough to write about, but since it's come up twice today, maybe I'm supposed to share it with all of you.

When I was 29, my ex-husband and I divorced after nearly ten years of marriage. After the divorce, I was broken. I had no idea of self-worth or even identity. During that time, I met a man online and for my 30th birthday, we agreed that I'd fly from Michigan to New York to see him. Everything that could go wrong with that trip did and I should have turned around and gone home, but I believed this man cared about me and I really didn't want to spend my birthday being ignored and alone. I kept telling myself that I just had to get there and everything would be alright.

I was wrong. By the time that I got there, I was exhausted. The airline didn't have my bag so I had nothing other than the cute, dressy outfit that I had worn.  I'll spare you all of the details, but that night was far from fine and I woke up the next morning, bruised and bleeding. Here's where lie #2 comes into play. I was so confused by what had happened. Since we were entering into a new relationship, I wondered if I'd given off some sort of mixed signal. He did his best to convince me that everything was fine and that nothing bad had happened. I was there, I was lost and confused, I believed him. I had nowhere to go and calling someone to come get me never crossed my mind. I didn't believe anyone would come if I did call...and I didn't know anyone else in that area. That night, there was an attempt at it happening again, but when I completely disassociated, it wasn't fun for him, so he stopped. The next day I flew home, confused by what had happened, hurting, and yet somehow looking forward to seeing him again. He was that good at manipulation.

Why did I lie to myself? Because I believed I was unworthy of love, affection, and any kind of positive attention. Part of me believed that any attention was better than no attention. I'm not that girl anymore. I have boundaries. I believe in me. I'm proud of me. That makes a big difference.

I hope you believe in you.






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Write about something presently in your life that is "worth it."

Whew...there are so many things that I could write about. The kids, the man, the dehoarding, the working...but really, I think that they all boil down to one thing. The struggle, the fight. Some of you may read over at Welcoming Weight Loss so you know that I deal with PTSD, Bipolar 2, and OCD on a daily basis. It's not always easy and some days are far easier than others. It often means though that I just "don't want to." The motivation isn't zero, it's negative one million. I'm "out of spoons" or however you want to say it. There are days when I want to do it all. Of course, those are the days that what gets done isn't really what needs to get done. It can be a lot to be me, but the struggle is worth it. Every day that I listen to me and I take care of me makes things just a little bit easier. Every day that I take my medication, I get out of bed, and I work is worth it. It allows me time with my children. It allows me time with the man. It allows me to find me and to be me. If I didn't fight the fight, I would be missing out on a lot and the world would be missing out on me. It's not always easy, but it's always worth it. I have days where I forget that, but I'm lucky that I have those who will help me fight on those days. Today, I have a lot to do and there's an underlying voice saying that I don't want to...but the laundry will get folded, the posts will get written, and I will fight on. I hope you'll join me in fighting the fight that keeps you here with us all.








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"The man" got me this fantastic book of writing prompts for our anniversary this year and I've been looking at it for a few weeks now. Why? Mostly because I've been swamped, but there's also been the tiniest bit of procrastination in there. Well, that ends today. He has believed in me longer than most and he truly believes that I have what it takes to be a great writer. I love him for that (and a ton of other reasons). So, starting today, my goal is to post a new question from the book on Thursday and then do some free writing under it. I think that we might all learn some things about me! Free writing without planning is a challenge for me so I'll be stretching outside of my comfort zone.

What is your favorite way to spend a lazy day?
The answer to this 100% depends on who I'm with. If I'm with "the man", I love to snuggle up and talk or possibly watch something. We don't really get many lazy days so each one is pretty special. It'd be a day of just doing whatever we felt like doing and celebrating the freedom to do it. Now, if I'm with my boys, it probably involves playing games, watching movies, and just catching up on each other's lives. On my own? These are especially hard for me because I'm really not good at relaxing. I feel guilty if I'm being lazy. I never could understand why my ex-husband would accuse me of being lazy. It's like he had no idea who he was talking to. Anyway..lol...if I could have a perfect lazy day, it would involve me sitting in the shade of some trees with my feet dangling in the water while I read a good book. I'd be out in nature enjoying one of my favorite things. I have dreams of finding a cabin somewhere that I could escape to for a week or two of writing, enjoying nature, and reading. Maybe wandering through the woods taking some pictures...I've yet to make it happen, but it's still my dream every summer.

What about you? What's your favorite way to spend a lazy day?






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So many of my friends are posting about how this is the last work day of 2017 for them. I love how some of them are posting how they're going to kick butt today and make it a great day at the office. For some, it isn't the last work day of the year but for all of us, it's the end of the year winding down in a hurry. As I look towards 2018, I wanted to take a few minutes and write down some goals for the coming year. I don't really do resolutions but 2017 was such a big year for us that I want to carry that momentum into the new year.

I have different goals for different areas of my world, so let's get started with a breakdown:

House:
1. Complete the downsizing and organizing of the downstairs.
2. Complete the downsizing and organizing of the landing.
3. Complete the downsizing, cleaning, and organizing of my bedroom.

Outside:
1. Clean and organize the barn.
2. Tidy up back deck.
3. Start preparing things for moving (packing up pots, etc)

Family:
1. Attend more things as a family.
2. Work towards both boys graduations.
3. Spend one on one time with both boys.

Writing:
1. Complete 2 full novels.
2. Set up a mailing list and have 1,000 subscribers.
3. Spend 1-2 hours each week learning things to help improve as an indie writer.

Personal:
1. Post on Welcoming Weight Loss at least 2x per month.
2. Work on plans for the "big move".
3. Be brave - this one isn't measurable but I know that there will be bad brain days and this goal is more about survival than about improvement.

So, there we go. I think all of these are attainable. I just need to find the focus that sometimes alludes me. I look at that writing goal list and I realize that I have a goal that I'm afraid to post. That tells me that it's a goal that's important to me and that's a good reason to get it added to the list. So...not so top secret writing goal #4: Make enough money from writing to replace the small amount of child support that I receive each month because it's going to be going away.

If you want to make your own goal list but don't know where to start, I want to recommend this great podcast/blog post done by Russell Nohelty. He doesn't know it, but he's kind of my hero when it comes to these things. Make sure you check out his site and his books.

Time for me to get to work!



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Today I dropped off the youngest at Jazz Camp for the week and as I drove away, it struck me just how independent he's become. As soon as we'd collected his things from the car, he took off for the dorm and forgot I was even there in his excitement to reconnect with his friends from last year. After I gave him his things, he joined his friends and didn't even look up as I left.  Please don't get me wrong, he wasn't rude or disrespectful. He was ready to move on with this coming week. He was ready for this next mini chapter.

Tonight, idly looking at house listings, I started to wonder how ready I am. In 11 months, my oldest will graduate from high school.  He's nervous about it and I spent some time tonight talking about options with him. There's a local trade school especially for disabled people. They have a program that he might be interested in. I'll need to see if they do job placement or anything like that because if they don't, the program he's interested in is fairly useless.

Still, it got him thinking about changes too. He knows that after his brother graduates from high school, I have to move. We talked today about places I could move to. He asked me where I had friends because I don't have any here. He told me that he doesn't care where I move because it's my life and I have to be happy. It made me smile to hear such an adult thought come from him. He's growing up and I can no longer deny that both him and his brother are on the verge of adulthood. It won't be long before they'll be doing their own things and where will that leave me?

Creating a whole new world for myself.  For nearly 18 years now, I've been mom. That's been my role, my title, and my life. Soon though, I'll be having to make the tough decisions and trying to decide what's best, not for them, but for myself. In theory, I could move anywhere in the world. In reality, I think I'd better stay in this country..heh... That being said, there's a lot of country out there. I could stay nearby wherever the boys are. I could move somewhere random. There's also ...well, I don't really talk about this, but there's a man that I've fallen for and right now, circumstances outside of our control don't allow for us to be together, but who knows, maybe we might find ourselves in closer proximity.

That's a lot of well maybes, huh? There's also the question of what do I do with myself when mom isn't my full-time gig. I would really like to write and to make enough to be able to start paying off old bills. Wouldn't that be smashing? I think so. Of course, it means educating myself as to how to promote my writing better so that people know it exists. A friend on Facebook posted the other night that he met an author who makes about $60k a month (I think, a month was the time frame) but also spends $5-10k during that same time frame on advertising. That's a great return, but I have no way of investing that kind of money into myself. Is it possible to start the ball rolling without spending that kind of money? I have no idea. I guess that's where educating myself comes in.

So, here we are...about 2 years until I have to be moving on from where I'm at and a lot of decisions to make, a lot of work to do, and a lot of finding me that needs to happen before then.



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"People who have experienced trauma may associate the excitement of success with the same physiological reactions as trauma. They avoid subjecting themselves to excitement-inducing circumstances, which causes them to be almost phobic about success." -- Psychology Today

"The Jonah complex is the fear of success which prevents self-actualization or the realization of one's potential. It is the fear of one's own greatness, the evasion of one's destiny, or the avoidance of exercising one's talents. Just as the fear of achieving a personal worst can motivate personal growth, the fear of achieving a personal best can also hinder achievement." -- Wikipedia

Yesterday, I wrote a post about finding myself and in it, I mentioned how I'm the only thing standing in my way of so many things. Today, I woke up absolutely exhausted and immediately went into beat myself up/I'm worthless mode. I sat here feeling sorry for myself. There's no other words to describe it. When my body/brain says you need a down day, I get incredibly frustrated and I take it out on myself. A lot of us do that. We beat ourselves up over things that are outside of our control.

I'd love to tell you that I meditated or came to some brilliant conclusion that brought me here today, but the reality is that I noticed that I had Pinterest open in a tab so I decided to lazy scroll through things and see what I found. What I found was a whole lot of pins on writing and it reminded me of yesterday's post so here I am...after pinning about a dozen of them to go back to later.

If you know me well at all, you know that I write. I write stories, I write posts, I write diary entries in Word that may or may not ever be seen by the world. I write. It's what I do. It's what I've done for as long as I remember. It's what I want to do with my life. I want to write.

Seems easy enough, right? If someone said to me that they wanted to write, I'd say, "Then write." Except it's not that simple. Okay, the writing part is. Writing isn't difficult for me. Heck, hand me a notebook and a pen and I'll doodle and write all day long. It's the part that comes after that...what do I do with it once I write it? Do I file it away somewhere? Do I publish it? Do I tell anyone about it?

Just a few days ago, I got the Facebook notification that on this day a year ago, I published my first story on Amazon. I've gone on to publish something like 8 stories. In that year, I've never made enough off selling them to even receive a royalty payment. Why? Because I've been afraid to take the next steps. I have the resources. Russell Nohelty has a podcast all about building up your creative business. I'm part of at least one really good authors' group on Facebook. I'm friends (or at least Facebook friends) with multiple published writers.

So what's holding me back? Me. I am. I'm the problem. I'm terrified of what happens if I do this and I do it well. What will that mean for my life? What changes will there be? Just thinking about it has my anxiety flaring up. Then, there's the other side of it. I look around at the people surrounding me and I think "What's the point in even trying? There are so many people out there already doing this. There's nothing special about me or what I do."

I'm afraid of success and I'm afraid of failure. So, I do nothing. I write my stories and sometimes I post them and sometimes I don't. I write here and since it's mostly ignored by the outside world, I tell myself that it's a sure sign that my writing isn't any good. If it were, surely something I'd written would have gained traction by now. Is that the truth? Probably not. There are a million people out there writing the same  types of things on their blogs. There's no reason that mine would gain attention.

Still, I write because I can't imagine a life without doing it. This is part of me. I just have to decide if I'm brave enough to really show people what I can do and if I am, I have to start taking those steps. I know that I'm not alone in feeling like this and I hope that I'm not alone in whatever happens next.



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Sometimes something someone says gets stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it. It sits there, tugging at my thoughts, pulling at my emotions, until I give it the attention that it desires and perhaps the attention that I need to give it. After all, if it's there, it must be there for a reason, right?

In this case, a man that I was involved with a few years ago, perhaps more now, wrote me this rather horrible email to not only end our relationship but to end any association he had with me. Honestly, it was cruel and below this person, but that's not what this post is about. It's about what he said to me in that email that has hung around in my head for all these years and the fact that I'm finally at a point where I can deal with it clearly and without wasted emotion. After all, emotion is wasted on someone who was flat out cruel to you.

I'm not going to directly quote him because honestly, I have no desire to open that email. The gist of what he said was that I'm not me. I'm not someone who stands for anything or has her own beliefs. I'm merely someone who morphs herself into whatever she thinks the other person wants. I'm nothing more than a mimic.  Harsh, huh?

That one single idea has stuck with me ever since I read it and I wondered if it was true. Who am I? I'm reminded of this quote from the movie Music and Lyrics:

"Since then, every time I pick up a pen, I'm haunted by those words that he wrote, you know? "She was a brilliant mimic. She could ape Dorothy Parker or Emily Dickinson, but stripped of someone else's literary clothes, she was a vacant, empty imitation of a writer.""

Stripped of other people's interests and beliefs, who am I? You see, he was right in a way. I do tend to take on the interests of those I care about. Do I do it to define me? No, I don't think that I do. I do it to have more in common with them, to learn about new things. Rob is a perfect example of this and someone who, on the tiniest off chance that he ever read this, wouldn't care if I used him as an example.

Rob was/is very much into roller derby. Me? I knew next to nothing about it. When I'd visit him, if one of his friends stopped by, they'd sit and talk about it and I'd be left out because I knew nothing about it. I hated that. It was also something he was very passionate about so I wanted to know more. I downloaded and read the complete rule book. They teased me that the next thing they knew, I'd be some sort of official. The reality is that I never intended on playing myself or getting involved. I just wanted to know more. I'm still holding out for Rob to take me to my first bout.

Did I change myself into a derby girl because Rob was into derby? No. Some would point out that I did go and buy a pair of skates. I did. I still have them though due to illness, etc I haven't used them since right after I bought them. Skating is fantastic exercise and a lot of fun. It was something I could do on my own or go with Rob to do when I was visiting him. Was it because of him that I looked into it? Yeah, it was. Did it change anything? Not really.

So where am I going with all of this? I guess I'm going to the part where I say Stuart was right. Over the years, I've molded myself at times. My upbringing caused that. If I wasn't what was wanted, things happened. When I was with the boys' dad, that continued. Please don't misunderstand. He never raised a hand towards me, but he knew what buttons to push to get me to be or do what he wanted.

Then, I was on my own. I was no longer his wife. I no longer had an identity. I didn't know who I was. So, over the years since then, I guess I've explored options. With Rob, I explored the idea of skating and I discovered that it was something I enjoyed. I totally sucked at it, but I enjoyed it. With others, it may have been certain television shows or hobbies. Does that mean that I continued to morph? Perhaps, but only to the smallest extent. As someone who had no idea who they were anymore, what their interests were or what they wanted to do/be in life, it was a way to discover the answers to those things. I discovered that no matter how much someone else liked it, I just could not get into Buffy, but that I loved Doctor Who. I realized that I do kind of like certain types of science fiction. I found a tiny piece of me.

I tend to think of myself as one of those jigsaw puzzles that have 10,000 pieces and each time I discover something, a tiny piece slides into place. With enough exploration, I may find me again. I think that I started my container garden a number of years ago because Rob or someone was growing tomatoes and it gave me an additional connection to him. It also allowed me to discover that dirt therapy is really good for me. Does Rob still grow tomatoes? Heck if I know. I do know that right now, there are 8 plants on my front porch that I need to water later today.

There are also things that I do simply because they're a part of me. I love to craft. I've been making things since I was a child and while I don't do it as much these days it's not because someone has frowned on it. It's simply because I got in my own way and now I need to clear that out so that I can get back to it. Nick once told me that coloring is my therapy...crafting always was and I suspect it always will be. I can't draw but I can still create in my own way.

Which brings me to writing...another thing that I've done for as long as I can remember. In fact, if you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I'd tell you that I want to write. It's another thing that I'm just plain getting in my own way of. Will I ever be famous for writing? Probably not. Could I be successful at it? Probably. It's my own fears that are getting in the way of that, but that's probably another post for another day. It's another one of those thoughts that have been bumping around in my head lately.

What does this all mean? It means that you may see me becoming interested in something that you do. I may try it out for a little bit. I may discover that I love it and stick with it. I may discover that it's not me and leave it. Either of those things is okay. The only way to truly discover if something is me is to try it. I'm not mimicking, I'm exploring and exploration is healthy. It's good.

In order to reclaim me, I have to find me.



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Normally I would shrink down the images here to the "small" setting but I just can't with this one. I'm so incredibly proud of what that image represents that to shrink it would actually harm me. I'm sure you're thinking, yet again, that I'm a bit of a weirdo but that's okay. Let me explain what I mean...

That image is the cover to my very first book. Yep, I wrote a book. Okay, Nick wrote a book and then gave it to me and said it was mine now as much as it was his and to do what I wanted with it. So, after some serious nerves, I settled in and that's what I did. I tugged and tweaked, added a bit here, changed a bit there, and then gave it all back to him. He's taken it, formatted it, created this beautiful cover and is working on the publishing side of it.

When I first saw the cover yesterday, I nearly burst into tears because it's the fulfillment of a dream that I never thought would come true. It's one of those, if I were to die right now, I could die knowing that I did this. I was terrified, absolutely terrified, but I did this. I helped write a book and that's something I never thought I could do.

I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't writing. By the time I was in middle school, I was writing poetry on a regular basis (and being envious of Kim Wisniewski because she got all the attention from classmates for hers) and it just grew from there. From the time my babies were in the womb, I told them stories. Still, it remained something private because like anything else I loved, I didn't think that I was any good at it. Years of being told I was stupid, useless, unwanted, lazy, etc had taken their toll and I rarely showed anyone anything that I wrote. Putting up my erotica pieces online helped with that a bit, but it didn't take long before people forgot that I even wrote them. I tried to be brave and followed a few people's advice and their belief that my writing was good and placed about half a dozen up on Amazon but in the 6 plus months that they've been up, I haven't sold enough for them to even send me a check.

Being a writer is hard. Being a writer who lacks confidence in her abilities can be crippling. When Nick asked me not once, but multiple times to work on this series with him, I thought he was crazy. It took him asking me multiple times over the course of a year for me to agree to work on it. I told myself that it didn't matter if I never finished, at least I would have stepped out of my comfort zone and tried. I had no idea how many areas of my world it would challenge me in.

If you were to look at the first five chapters, after my first pass at them, you wouldn't recognize me in them. In fact, I made an absolute mess of them. I spent those first five chapters fighting the anxieties that I would be a disaster at what I was doing, that Nick would see that I really couldn't write, and my dream of having my name on the cover would be destroyed. I can only imagine what Nick thought when I sent them to him. He never said anything though...simply I want to see more of you in this. He said that a lot as I worked through the 30 chapters that would become The Tether  - None Good. I want to see more of you in this. You can do this. You've got this. He wasn't overflowing with praise but every step of the way, I knew he believed in me. Knowing that saved me more than once as I fought my own shyness and nearly crippling anxieties to attend writing workshops and nanowrimo meetings.

The day I emailed him the final document, I so badly wanted him to be proud of me and to tell me that it was really good. I was proud of me. I don't often feel that way, but this time, I was proud of me. I'd overcome everything and maybe more of the words in the book were his than they were mine, but I'd had my "fingers" on every single one of them multiple times. This book truly is mine as much as it is his. It's my baby...my first and with someone I'm incredibly proud to be working with. Did he give me that praise? No, not really. He told me it was awesome work and asked about book two. That's him. Yep, good job, now let's start the next thing. He doesn't stop and he won't let me. I'm okay with that.

Then, yesterday and the cover...There it was. My name...and I was completely overcome with emotion. Sharing that image on Facebook and seeing him share it was like a dream. Then seeing people react and talk about how they want to read it, how they're just waiting to find out where/when..well, it just kept that high going. Every positive comment, every bit of encouragement and my insecure soul lapped it up. I had people offer to be beta readers and while I know that's not something we're likely to ever use, it felt really good to have people want to read it that badly. People believed in me and what I had done. They probably always have but I'm still insecure and worry. Nick will tell you that I worry far too much and need to shut off my big brain. He's right. I do and I do. It's a work in progress...

Then tonight something happened and I went from soaring high to crying in about 2 minutes.
Tomorrow I may see it as a silly little thing, but tonight it made me realize just how tenuous that pride and confidence about my writing really is. Suddenly I was questioning if I'd really messed something up and what if others read it and thought that it didn't work. Every horrible voice popped up in my head and suddenly I crashed.

Why am I telling you all of this instead of just saying omg, here's my book cover? Because I promised to be real with all of you. This book journey has had its highs and its lows and I wouldn't go back and change any of it. It's pushed me and I needed to be pushed. The past couple of days have shown me that I can do things, even if they're hard and scary. They've also shown me that I'm still pretty fragile in that oh my god I can do this department.  And you know what? That's okay. Life is a journey and each step forward is a good thing.

So, now that you've read through all of this...let me share with you the text that Nick included when he posted this image originally:

Yeah, I just had to show you again!

Something evil is stalking the streets of Baltimore, our only hope is the Keeper of the Tether - Sarah Taylor. The only problem, she doesn't want it and her only guide CT, the Grandson of the original Keeper wants it back. And there is a Demon, a Psychotic Killer and a secret society chasing them; all wanting the power of the Tether for their own nefarious plans. One bright spot, at least Sarah can summon an Angelic Guardian for protection, if she can figure out how to use the Tether. Watch the shadows as the battle for our reality is only just beginning...

The Tether - None Good is coming Easter 2017
written by Nick Davis of The Words & Art Of Nick Davis
And Katrina Roets of Katrina Roets - Author

Crazy, huh? That's me. That's my name. That's my little fan page. Of course, that's also Nick and Nick's fan page. I encourage you to like his. He does some really cool things. I think he also has a Kickstarter coming up so you'll want to be getting in on that if you can. Yeah, I know...I can't resist promoting someone else, but this someone else is pretty awesome. I promise I'm not just saying that because we have two more books to go or because I'm the editor on his other projects. He really is a great storyteller and talent. 

So what now? Well, now I take a few deep breathes and I get a firm grip on that feeling of excitement and pride that is still in there trying to fight past the anxiety and the fears. I take that and I smile because I did it. I did something I never thought I'd be able to do. Yep. Me. The girl/woman who was told she was stupid, that nobody would ever want her, that she wasn't any good at anything just proved every single jackass who ever spoke those words wrong, including myself. I did it. I helped write this book. I'll help write the next one and then I'm going to write the third one. Why? Because I can. I did which means I can.

As for all of you? Well, you keep your eyes and ears open for the official release date and the where to buy announcement.  I'll post it here, but if you want more regular book updates (I'm still getting used to this whole official author who needs updates thing), go hit like on my fan page. I post there about this far more often. Then, I hope that you'll try this book on for size and if you like it, let me know, write reviews, tell your friends, and maybe even buy book 2 when it's done and ready to go.

PS My next big dream is to have an actual book signing. Is that crazy or what?
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This is the photo that started it all.

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Edit: This was written a week ago, but for reasons..yes, reasons...I waited until today to post it.



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The other day I wrote a post about turning 40 next week and my attitude towards it. I meant every single word in that post and somewhere, under the depression, there is still that spark of excitement over a new year with new possibilities and opportunities.

But right now, it's under the depression. Every year, about a week or so before my birthday, I feel it coming on. I try to fight it. I try to keep busy, to ignore it, but I pretty much fail every time. Very few people understand and that just makes it worse.

I make joking posts on Facebook about how it's 10 days before my birthday and I haven't received a single card yet and how people should celebrate the 10 days of me or something equally silly but under all the frivolity is a grain of truth. I watch other people post about all of the love and gifts and time with people that they got for their birthdays and while I'm so happy for them, a bit of it slices at me. The voice in my head reminds me that when my birthday comes along, I'll be alone, that I'm not important enough or special enough for anyone to be with me. I'll try to tell it to shut up and to remind it that I don't live near anyone, but it reminds me of how I've dropped everything to drive hours and hours or to fly to spend someone else's with them.

My brain can be a total asshole at times. It's worse when I try to talk to others about it because they always have the same response. Stop depending on other people for your happiness on that day. Go and do what you want to do. That's great because I can't do that. You see, all these people have one thing in common...they're in happy, committed relationships or they're surrounded by friends. They aren't alone. They can't understand or don't try to understand that the one thing I want to do that day is not be alone. I don't care if I curl up with someone on the couch and have a movie marathon or what have you. It doesn't have to be big or flashy. I just don't want to be alone.

I want my birthday to be special and in my head that means being with people or at least a person who loves me. I spend every day alone. Being alone isn't special. I can go to the movies or out to eat alone any time I want to. I've spent my entire life not feeling special or wanted.

When I was a child, my sister was the golden child in our household. She could do no wrong and I could do no right. At my mother's house, it was my brother. I had birthday parties canceled because of something they did. By the time I was in high school, I felt as if I were either invisible or expected to be an adult. I just wanted to be a teenager but I had been trained to take everyone else and so I fell into line and did just that.

Then, I got married to the first guy who paid me any kind of real attention and who I thought meant it when he said he loved me. I wrote in other post what birthdays were like for me. I always made a big deal out of his and out of things like father's day but it never worked the other direction. I still felt invisible and as if I were only there to serve a purpose.

After the divorce, I guess I thought things would be different. Instead, I was raped for my 30th birthday by someone I thought I knew and trusted after I'd spent over 12 hours traveling to get to where he was. The fact that I had any spirit left was something to be beaten out of me or taken another way. I was a nobody in his eyes, just something to use, abuse, and then throw away.

I don't remember the next few years...I moved to New York, spent birthdays alone or in class. I moved back to Michigan and I think once since 2007, I spent the day with someone I loved and it was lovely. For my 35th birthday, someone decided to throw me a birthday party...except nobody came which just solidified my feeling of not mattering. Now, here we are, five years later and it's 9 days before my birthday.

I'm depressed, in tears, and just want to put my head down until it's over. Little things feel huge and though I know they're not, I can't seem to push past them. I'm trying. Oh, how I try. I give myself little speeches about how it's not personal if someone sees your messages and doesn't bother to respond to them even though you used to talk every day all the time. It's not personal if someone you've worked with on multiple projects goes ahead with a project without you or without even telling you. It isn't personal if people don't like or comment on your posts or on things you comment on theirs. I tell myself that I'm not invisible. I tell myself that I am loved.

I tell myself all of those things and deep down, I know them all to be true but for the next 9 days it will be a constant battle of depression vs reality. I'm exhausted already from it and I know that there will be a million more tears, a million more times checking my email, a million more times stopping myself from doing things like checking my amazon wishlist to see if anyone has bought anything for me...it will be all of these things and I will win but for now, I fight.

So please...if you interact with me over these next 9 days, try to understand that I'm fragile, that I'm hyper sensitive and that my brain is ready in an instant with some lie or way to misinterpret things. Most of all, just try to love me. Know that I am not this way by choice and that it's something I'm constantly working on and trying to get past. It's hard but not impossible.

I love you all...really and truly, I do and if nothing else, writing this helped me. It cleared things out of my head and somehow, when it's in my own words, in black and white, it's easier to deal with. It gives me those moments of peace where I can take a deep breath and say yep, brain, you suck and you're full of nonsense but I'm going to keep going because I know I'm loved and I'm stronger than this. The depression will strike back but it's those moments..the moments of truth...that keep me going. This post helped me and maybe it might help someone else too.




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Hi all! I realized today that it's been quite a while since I posted just a random update post. Since I have a bit of time before I need to go pick up the youngest, I thought I'd stop by and say hi! Hi!

Thing here are actually going pretty well. There are the usual concerns but for the most part, we're doing okay. I've been making slow progress on the house. Watch for an upcoming photo update post from the kitchen. It's been a long summer though. I've rarely been at home and it's very much taking its toll on me. I'm tired. How tired am I? So tired that I can't stop giggling over this darn image.

Surprisingly enough, my mood seems fairly stable. I'm incredibly appreciative of that fact. Usually when I get this run down, I'm a complete disaster. Right now, though I have my moments of melancholy, it's not crippling me. I'm doing okay and it puts a huge smile on my face to be able to say that. Ever since I went to Baltimore, I've been working on me. It was pointed out to me then that I spend most of my life hiding away and I realized that the person was right. I had gotten to the point where I was scared of most everything.

It hasn't been easy but one little step at a time I've worked on reclaiming me. I've started working on my weight. (You can read about that over on Welcoming Weight Loss) I've gotten back into working on the kitchen. I went out for drinks one night when I was invited. My biggest thing? I've taken on a co-author role on a series of books. The opportunity was offered to me over a year ago but I was too afraid to agree to do it. Now, even though I'm not as confident in myself as my partner is, I'm doing it - one word, one paragraph, one chapter at a time. I've also decided to further my education. Not with another degree quite yet (there's some serious financial mess to clear up before that can happen), but with an hour every other week during my writing time where I focus on something. Some of you may remember Caliban's website. I'm working my way from beginning to end of that. It's a bit of a journey of self-discovery. Once I finish that, I have a ton of blogging and writing tool pdfs that I'd like to go through. Once the boys are back in school, I'm going to increase the frequency for working on the book and for "homeschooling" myself. I do want to go back to college and most likely get a second bachelor's degree and then who knows, one day I may even become Dr Kat. I kind of like the sound of that.

For now though, things are going well. I'm doing well. Finances are always tricky, but I'm not letting that defeat me. I'm keeping busy doing what I can do and trying not to focus on the things that I can't control.

Eek! I just noticed the time! It's time for me to get changed and to head into town to pick up Roger. We have some grocery shopping to do and then home. I'll be back soon though. I have to tell all of you what the boys are up to!



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As some of you may know, I've been down and out with horrible, rotten allergies for the past two weeks. I could live with the congestion, but man, the pain is just too much. So what's a girl to do? She hauls herself off to urgent care in the hopes that they can give her something to make it feel at least a little bit better. That's what I did...and that's where this post begins.

Since I had to go grocery shopping anyway, I decided to go to the urgent care that's over near where I wanted to shop. I hadn't been there before and so I was a little bit surprised when they had me step on the scale in addition to all the usual tests. The number I saw there terrified me. I had suspected that I had been putting on weight again, but not nearly as much as that number showed. I am now at the highest weight I have ever been at. Then, when she took my blood pressure and that was also high, something just shifted inside of me. I have to do something. If I don't, I'm going to die. That may sound dramatic, but it really isn't. At the weight I'm at, my body has to work harder at every single thing it does. This puts wear and tear on everything...my heart, my lungs, my joints...and those things can wear out completely.

My doctor warned me back in August about my weight and my blood pressure. She wasn't particularly kind about it and it made me defensive.  This time, nobody said a word. They just showed me the numbers when they came up. Then, I spent a week thinking about those numbers and what they mean to me. Those numbers are the reason that I have trouble climbing up or down stairs. They're the reason I won't volunteer to chaperone trips with the boys. They're the reason that I have some of the health problems that I do.

The numbers scared me, but they got me thinking and for that, I'm thankful. For too long, I've let pride get in the way of me getting help in this area. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. Growing up, food was a sanctuary of sorts. My grandmother used food as a way to show us that she loved us. I never walked into that house without an immediate offer of being fed being made. As I grew older, food became either a way to fill the holes in my emotional world or a control object. Soon I hope to write an entire post regarding my relationship with food. This isn't that post.

This post is about the decision that I've made. Twice now, my doctor has given me a referral to the Sparrow Hospital Weight Management Clinic. Twice, I let get pride get in the way. I told myself that I've lost weight before and that it's not rocket science. I can do this alone. The truth is that I can't do this alone. When I'm doing it alongside someone, I do okay. When I have that accountability. The problem with that comes along when the other person meets their goal or they don't take the time/make the effort to be my cheerleader. When that happens, it's easy to make excuses and let things slide.

It's time to stop the cycle. It's time to get the help that I need to understand what it is that I need to do. If what that is equals therapy, so be it. If what that is means surgery to help my body start helping itself again, so be it. So, I made the courageous decision to attend a meeting next week at the weight management clinic. It's just an introduction to what they do there so I can see if it's the right fit. I suspect that so long as insurance covers it, I'll be going there on a far more regular basis and finding my way to healthy again. After all, I want to be able to ride roller coasters with my boys, to travel comfortably on trips, and most importantly to live a long, long life where I watch all my dreams and hard work turn into something amazing.

I've also made the decision to keep this off of social media for the time being. I'll be posting about it here and over on Welcoming Weight Loss as things happen and I treasure any support that I get, but this is a private decision and that on some level, I need to do for me on my own.




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For the past few days, I've had multiple posts running around in my head, but I wasn't in a mental or emotional place where I could sit and write without it sounding like I was having some sort of breakdown. I want to start out by assuring everyone that I'm okay. I'm just having a really rough week, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting and that's the part that really matters. Now...on with the post....

Yesterday something happened that put me into a near panic attack like state for almost the entire day. It got so bad that I ended up with a migraine, which oddly enough may be the best thing that could have happened, but we'll get to that. So, what happened?

A friend of mine took the day off from work to celebrate his wife's birthday. He made her breakfast in bed, gave her amazing presents, and perhaps the best gift of all, he gave himself to her for the day. The day really was all about her. I'm sure you're shaking your head wondering what this could have possibly triggered. Fear. It triggered the biggest bout of panic and fear that I've had in a long time.

You see, I have a long history..39 years worth at this point of being tossed aside by nearly every single man who I have ever let get close to me and seeing what he was doing for his wife made me
afraid. I was afraid..and still am, though I'm working on it..that I will never have anything like that. I will never have anyone love me that much.

One thought..seemingly innocent.."I would so badly love for someone to love me like that." turned into a day of hell. My mind spiraled to the point where I was sure that it was impossible. If people saw me the way I see me...well, surely there isn't a single soul out there who could possibly love someone as messed up as me. I cried. I tried to fight my way out of it, but the harder I fought, the deeper I sank. I sank until I could no longer function and I gave up. I had a migraine, no rational way to explain the panic I was feeling, and nobody who I would completely subject them to the entirety that is the insanity that is my brain. So, I gave up. I shut down the laptop and I laid down on the couch. I tried to watch a movie, but I couldn't focus. My mind wouldn't stop. It kept right on going with its lies and nonsense... "You have an upcoming anniversary with someone and I bet they don't even know the date and they're not going to do anything special for you. You'll never be loved like that."

I don't know what suddenly changed. The movie was about over (Life of Brian, for anyone curious. I hadn't seen it yet and thought funny might help) and in the final scene, they start singing this ridiculous song, one I've heard over and over again and suddenly something clicked. All day long, I'd been thinking that I was jealous or envious, but the reality is that I was afraid. None of those three emotional states are rational, but somehow fear is easier to deal with. I know fear to be a way that depression keeps its hold. Depression lies and uses fear to help.

Fear is the reason that I don't lose weight. Fat is a buffer against rejection. When my ex-husband cheated on me and it led to our divorce, my grandmother asked me if I thought it had anything to do with my weight gain throughout our marriage. It hadn't, but the question was out there and as I laid there last night, silence in the house, I realized the fear is keeping me from a lot of things. I don't lose the weight because what if I did and nothing changed, nobody wanted to be with me. I don't go out (partially due to finances) because what if I met someone (male/female/whatever) and I liked them and then I never heard from them again?

Fear and depression pipe up in their twin voices with a single message. It's okay because you don't deserve those things anyway. Nobody could possibly love you or want to be your good friend with your past, with how you are. It's an incredibly hard mental prison to break free from. I've given my heart fully and openly, showed my entire self to just a few people ever and of those, two of them stopped talking to me and have pushed me completely out of their lives. Fear uses that as evidence that it's right.

Knowing that fear is trying to become the motivator in my life is a blessing. Remember I said that the migraine may have been the best thing that could happen to me? This is why. It allowed me to shut out all of the outside noise that bombards so many of us every day. No Facebook, no Twitter, no music, nothing but me and when I can get to the core of me, I can find the problem. Knowing the problem allows for me to find a solution. As you may have heard, knowing is half the battle. The other half is the fight to shut down those voices, but if Fear is the enemy of love, the solution is love. Loving myself and my flaws, acknowledging them but not letting them rule me. It's not going to be easy. I have over 30 years of conditioning to conquer. Still, if I can love myself, take care of myself, and yes, even spoil myself, I'll be doing the best thing that I can do.




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