As some of you may know, I've been down and out with horrible, rotten allergies for the past two weeks. I could live with the congestion, but man, the pain is just too much. So what's a girl to do? She hauls herself off to urgent care in the hopes that they can give her something to make it feel at least a little bit better. That's what I did...and that's where this post begins.

Since I had to go grocery shopping anyway, I decided to go to the urgent care that's over near where I wanted to shop. I hadn't been there before and so I was a little bit surprised when they had me step on the scale in addition to all the usual tests. The number I saw there terrified me. I had suspected that I had been putting on weight again, but not nearly as much as that number showed. I am now at the highest weight I have ever been at. Then, when she took my blood pressure and that was also high, something just shifted inside of me. I have to do something. If I don't, I'm going to die. That may sound dramatic, but it really isn't. At the weight I'm at, my body has to work harder at every single thing it does. This puts wear and tear on everything...my heart, my lungs, my joints...and those things can wear out completely.

My doctor warned me back in August about my weight and my blood pressure. She wasn't particularly kind about it and it made me defensive.  This time, nobody said a word. They just showed me the numbers when they came up. Then, I spent a week thinking about those numbers and what they mean to me. Those numbers are the reason that I have trouble climbing up or down stairs. They're the reason I won't volunteer to chaperone trips with the boys. They're the reason that I have some of the health problems that I do.

The numbers scared me, but they got me thinking and for that, I'm thankful. For too long, I've let pride get in the way of me getting help in this area. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. Growing up, food was a sanctuary of sorts. My grandmother used food as a way to show us that she loved us. I never walked into that house without an immediate offer of being fed being made. As I grew older, food became either a way to fill the holes in my emotional world or a control object. Soon I hope to write an entire post regarding my relationship with food. This isn't that post.

This post is about the decision that I've made. Twice now, my doctor has given me a referral to the Sparrow Hospital Weight Management Clinic. Twice, I let get pride get in the way. I told myself that I've lost weight before and that it's not rocket science. I can do this alone. The truth is that I can't do this alone. When I'm doing it alongside someone, I do okay. When I have that accountability. The problem with that comes along when the other person meets their goal or they don't take the time/make the effort to be my cheerleader. When that happens, it's easy to make excuses and let things slide.

It's time to stop the cycle. It's time to get the help that I need to understand what it is that I need to do. If what that is equals therapy, so be it. If what that is means surgery to help my body start helping itself again, so be it. So, I made the courageous decision to attend a meeting next week at the weight management clinic. It's just an introduction to what they do there so I can see if it's the right fit. I suspect that so long as insurance covers it, I'll be going there on a far more regular basis and finding my way to healthy again. After all, I want to be able to ride roller coasters with my boys, to travel comfortably on trips, and most importantly to live a long, long life where I watch all my dreams and hard work turn into something amazing.

I've also made the decision to keep this off of social media for the time being. I'll be posting about it here and over on Welcoming Weight Loss as things happen and I treasure any support that I get, but this is a private decision and that on some level, I need to do for me on my own.




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For the past few days, I've had multiple posts running around in my head, but I wasn't in a mental or emotional place where I could sit and write without it sounding like I was having some sort of breakdown. I want to start out by assuring everyone that I'm okay. I'm just having a really rough week, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting and that's the part that really matters. Now...on with the post....

Yesterday something happened that put me into a near panic attack like state for almost the entire day. It got so bad that I ended up with a migraine, which oddly enough may be the best thing that could have happened, but we'll get to that. So, what happened?

A friend of mine took the day off from work to celebrate his wife's birthday. He made her breakfast in bed, gave her amazing presents, and perhaps the best gift of all, he gave himself to her for the day. The day really was all about her. I'm sure you're shaking your head wondering what this could have possibly triggered. Fear. It triggered the biggest bout of panic and fear that I've had in a long time.

You see, I have a long history..39 years worth at this point of being tossed aside by nearly every single man who I have ever let get close to me and seeing what he was doing for his wife made me
afraid. I was afraid..and still am, though I'm working on it..that I will never have anything like that. I will never have anyone love me that much.

One thought..seemingly innocent.."I would so badly love for someone to love me like that." turned into a day of hell. My mind spiraled to the point where I was sure that it was impossible. If people saw me the way I see me...well, surely there isn't a single soul out there who could possibly love someone as messed up as me. I cried. I tried to fight my way out of it, but the harder I fought, the deeper I sank. I sank until I could no longer function and I gave up. I had a migraine, no rational way to explain the panic I was feeling, and nobody who I would completely subject them to the entirety that is the insanity that is my brain. So, I gave up. I shut down the laptop and I laid down on the couch. I tried to watch a movie, but I couldn't focus. My mind wouldn't stop. It kept right on going with its lies and nonsense... "You have an upcoming anniversary with someone and I bet they don't even know the date and they're not going to do anything special for you. You'll never be loved like that."

I don't know what suddenly changed. The movie was about over (Life of Brian, for anyone curious. I hadn't seen it yet and thought funny might help) and in the final scene, they start singing this ridiculous song, one I've heard over and over again and suddenly something clicked. All day long, I'd been thinking that I was jealous or envious, but the reality is that I was afraid. None of those three emotional states are rational, but somehow fear is easier to deal with. I know fear to be a way that depression keeps its hold. Depression lies and uses fear to help.

Fear is the reason that I don't lose weight. Fat is a buffer against rejection. When my ex-husband cheated on me and it led to our divorce, my grandmother asked me if I thought it had anything to do with my weight gain throughout our marriage. It hadn't, but the question was out there and as I laid there last night, silence in the house, I realized the fear is keeping me from a lot of things. I don't lose the weight because what if I did and nothing changed, nobody wanted to be with me. I don't go out (partially due to finances) because what if I met someone (male/female/whatever) and I liked them and then I never heard from them again?

Fear and depression pipe up in their twin voices with a single message. It's okay because you don't deserve those things anyway. Nobody could possibly love you or want to be your good friend with your past, with how you are. It's an incredibly hard mental prison to break free from. I've given my heart fully and openly, showed my entire self to just a few people ever and of those, two of them stopped talking to me and have pushed me completely out of their lives. Fear uses that as evidence that it's right.

Knowing that fear is trying to become the motivator in my life is a blessing. Remember I said that the migraine may have been the best thing that could happen to me? This is why. It allowed me to shut out all of the outside noise that bombards so many of us every day. No Facebook, no Twitter, no music, nothing but me and when I can get to the core of me, I can find the problem. Knowing the problem allows for me to find a solution. As you may have heard, knowing is half the battle. The other half is the fight to shut down those voices, but if Fear is the enemy of love, the solution is love. Loving myself and my flaws, acknowledging them but not letting them rule me. It's not going to be easy. I have over 30 years of conditioning to conquer. Still, if I can love myself, take care of myself, and yes, even spoil myself, I'll be doing the best thing that I can do.




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During his more than thirty years as a vascular surgeon, Richard Furman literally held clogged arteries and diseased hearts in his hands and wondered why the person lying on the table hadn't been more careful. Heart disease is the number one killer of men and women in America, and in most cases it is completely preventable. So why are we slowly destroying our bodies and killing ourselves? And what can we do to turn it around?

The good news is, simple, sustainable lifestyle changes can mean the difference between health and infirmity, between life and death. Putting his three decades of experience and education to work, Dr. Furman gives readers the strategies they need to live not just longer, but "younger." This essential resource to health helps readers :
-achieve and maintain their ideal weight
-reduce their risk for life-threatening diseases
-make exercise a natural part of their lives
-learn what foods to eat and what foods to avoid

It even shows how following the plan can not only eliminate heart disease, but also keep people safe from various cancers, dementia, diabetes, stroke, erectile dysfunction, and other age- and obesity-related problems.

Dr. Furman wants readers to realize that poor health during one's "golden years" is not inevitable. It can and should be avoided at all cost. And with his expert advice, readers can live long, healthy, vibrant lives, enjoying time with friends and family instead of wasting it in doctors' offices and hospitals.
=========================
Recently, I made a decision that I needed to change my life. I've had high cholesterol for as long as I can remember and I've been overweight for nearly as long. So, when this book came up for review, I jumped at the chance. I'm so glad that I did..while it took me a little while to get through (it gives you a lot to think about), I learned a lot too. For years, I've heard that I need to lower one type of cholesterol and raise another, but nobody told me how to do that. This book does. Filled with a ton of information and written in a way that anyone can understand it, I found myself highlighting entire passages and I even have a post it sticking out at one part to remind me where to find a certain chart. If you have weight, cholesterol or heart problems, this book could be a major help to you. Even if you're in perfect health, this book could make you look at  certain things differently. As for me, this one is going into my bedside table so I can pull it out whenever I have a question.



I received a copy of this book for the purpose of this review.  All thoughts, comments and opinions are my own.
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Wow, what a crazy week this has been. Today was the boys' last day of film camp. They had a great time but boy, were they exhausted by the time we got home at night. Luckily, they actually finished up 2 hours early today so we could be home by about 6pm. Granted, we would have been anyway, but by doing it this way, they had to go grocery shopping with me. mwahahahaha..hehe

So, what did I do today? I knocked things off of my to do list. That's what I did. It gives me great pleasure to be able to cross things off of that list. Plus, I got to spend/enjoy one last day at the library. I love libraries. I love to watch the people there. I love to be surrounded by so many books. It's just such a great atmosphere. Plus, I was lucky enough to snag a couple more really good books off of their free giveaway book carts. Yay! Of course, I can't really start reading any of them until I finish the first Snookie Snackcake (Sookie Stackhouse) book. I still can't make up my mind if I like it or not. It's the weirdest feeling.

Oh well. That's the way it goes, I guess. (Though it's never happened to me before.) I'm off to put a star on my calendar for finishing all 4 bottles of my water today! Yay! If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out our weightloss blog.

Ugh. It's hot. Who the heck authorized it to be hot? It most certainly was not me. I can tell you that. This week is insane enough without us getting smacked with temperatures hovering around 90. Yuck!

Welcome back to another Monday here at Crafts By Katie. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a lot better. Not perfect, but a lot better. I'm hoping that by the end of the week, I'll be back to full strength and getting lots done. There's always tons to be done. I spent part of the weekend working on some holiday plans. I'm going to have to make some of the things that normally I would buy because the money just isn't there this year. For the first time ever, I've considered asking that those who sponsor a family for the holidays to sponsor my boys. I hate that I'm just not sure how I'm going to get them anything for Christmas this year.

But, I'm not going to focus on that right now. I'm going to focus on what I can do and what I can do is plan our menu for the next couple of weeks. I think that I mentioned last week that I really want to work on losing weight. In the past, I did a "bastardized" version of Weight Watchers and it really seemed to work for me so I'm going to try that again. Luckily for me, I do own a few of their cookbooks which should help make this a lot easier. For the next two weeks, I'm going to use their 5 Ingredient, 15 Minute Cookbook.

Monday- Whatever sounds good (nothing thawed)
Tuesday- Taco Chicken (6 pts)
Wednesday- Horseradish Hamburgers (9 pts)
Thursday- Speedy Chicken Cacciatore (8 pts)
Friday- Turkey BBQ Sandwiches (7 pts)
Saturday- Wagon Wheel Pasta w/ Salsa Chicken (8 pts)
Sunday- Taco Chicken Tortilla Wraps (6 pts)


So there you have it, my menu plan for this week. Next week will be the same cookbook. I'm going to be doing a lot of grocery shopping on Friday.