Whew! I almost didn't get a post up today. I had a doctor's appointment, went shopping, came home, and after lunch took a three hour nap. Then, tonight, I was on a livestream to help promote an awesome anthology called Cthulhu Invades Neverland. It's currently on Kickstarter. If you're into either of these fandoms, you should check it out.

Hi, guys! It's me. Then again, who else would it be, right? I have some bummer news. I have pneumonia. I've been coughing for two months but thought maybe it was severe allergies or something. No such luck. This explains why I'm tired so much and why I start having coughing fits after doing things like grocery shopping. The doctor prescribed some meds for me so hopefully I'll be on the mend quickly. As for my hands, it looks like a pinched nerve in both elbows that will require me to see an orthopedic doctor and probably splints that I'll have to wear. I'll be calling on Monday to see what my next steps are. 

As some of you may know, I've been down and out with horrible, rotten allergies for the past two weeks. I could live with the congestion, but man, the pain is just too much. So what's a girl to do? She hauls herself off to urgent care in the hopes that they can give her something to make it feel at least a little bit better. That's what I did...and that's where this post begins.

Since I had to go grocery shopping anyway, I decided to go to the urgent care that's over near where I wanted to shop. I hadn't been there before and so I was a little bit surprised when they had me step on the scale in addition to all the usual tests. The number I saw there terrified me. I had suspected that I had been putting on weight again, but not nearly as much as that number showed. I am now at the highest weight I have ever been at. Then, when she took my blood pressure and that was also high, something just shifted inside of me. I have to do something. If I don't, I'm going to die. That may sound dramatic, but it really isn't. At the weight I'm at, my body has to work harder at every single thing it does. This puts wear and tear on everything...my heart, my lungs, my joints...and those things can wear out completely.

My doctor warned me back in August about my weight and my blood pressure. She wasn't particularly kind about it and it made me defensive.  This time, nobody said a word. They just showed me the numbers when they came up. Then, I spent a week thinking about those numbers and what they mean to me. Those numbers are the reason that I have trouble climbing up or down stairs. They're the reason I won't volunteer to chaperone trips with the boys. They're the reason that I have some of the health problems that I do.

The numbers scared me, but they got me thinking and for that, I'm thankful. For too long, I've let pride get in the way of me getting help in this area. I've never had a healthy relationship with food. Growing up, food was a sanctuary of sorts. My grandmother used food as a way to show us that she loved us. I never walked into that house without an immediate offer of being fed being made. As I grew older, food became either a way to fill the holes in my emotional world or a control object. Soon I hope to write an entire post regarding my relationship with food. This isn't that post.

This post is about the decision that I've made. Twice now, my doctor has given me a referral to the Sparrow Hospital Weight Management Clinic. Twice, I let get pride get in the way. I told myself that I've lost weight before and that it's not rocket science. I can do this alone. The truth is that I can't do this alone. When I'm doing it alongside someone, I do okay. When I have that accountability. The problem with that comes along when the other person meets their goal or they don't take the time/make the effort to be my cheerleader. When that happens, it's easy to make excuses and let things slide.

It's time to stop the cycle. It's time to get the help that I need to understand what it is that I need to do. If what that is equals therapy, so be it. If what that is means surgery to help my body start helping itself again, so be it. So, I made the courageous decision to attend a meeting next week at the weight management clinic. It's just an introduction to what they do there so I can see if it's the right fit. I suspect that so long as insurance covers it, I'll be going there on a far more regular basis and finding my way to healthy again. After all, I want to be able to ride roller coasters with my boys, to travel comfortably on trips, and most importantly to live a long, long life where I watch all my dreams and hard work turn into something amazing.

I've also made the decision to keep this off of social media for the time being. I'll be posting about it here and over on Welcoming Weight Loss as things happen and I treasure any support that I get, but this is a private decision and that on some level, I need to do for me on my own.




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Today isnt a good day and I question my own judgement in writing this here, but I swore that I would live my life out loud, where people could see that others go through maybe what they're going through....and so here we are...

About ten minutes ago, I posted this to Facebook...soon it will go onto my other site:

I want to apologize in advance that I may be scarce in the coming weeks/months. I have some mental and physical health problems that I need to take care of and really focus on. This may mean me taking more time for myself so that I can get well enough to tackle life head on again. I've been trying to juggle so much that I'm not giving my best to anything and the guilt and stress of that are adding to everything and are taking their toll. I know that I owe things to people and I will get them done. I just can't say when. All I can do is apologize and hope that you can understand that right now I need some time away from things that aren't directly helping me get better.

 I promise all of you that I will get better and I will come back stronger. I'm not disappearing but taking a step back. Call me, text me, email me, message me...it all helps but please understand that right now my focus is on fixing myself and my world. I love you all very, very much. That will never change. I just want to be okay and that's going to take some work.

I wrote that last night and waited about ten hours before posting it. I had hoped that sleep would change how I felt, but it didn't. I feel as if I'm falling apart and nobody sees me anymore. Oh sure, the rational part of my brain knows that isn't true, but as so often is the case with the things I suffer with, the rational side isn't completely in charge.  Instead, I find myself in this place that I don't understand and I don't like. For 90% of Valentines Day, I was okay. It was just another day and then suddenly a post was made by a friend of mine and I got angry. I got angry that he's with someone and I'm not...and yes, a bit that when he was single, he didn't notice me. Please, don't mistake this for jealousy. It could easily be seen that way and it's not. It's not just certain people being in relationships. It happens when a friend had a story published in an anthology and I saw him give a ton of credit for it to someone else even though I was his cheerleader and his editor. It happens when someone tells me I have no idea what I'm talking about even though I've been doing something for years. It's just that right now, I'm having these knee jerk reactions...I'm reacting and it's taking every last bit of energy that I have not to lash out. I'm living in a constant state of stress...my chest feels as if it's ice cold and burning at the same time all the time. I'm breaking apart and though I know there are others struggling too, all I seem to be able to see is everyone else's joy...new babies, new relationships, happy relationships, etc. More and more I feel like an outsider and it allows my fears to get a stronger grip.

Things that I thought I had gotten past...like my family and their pure jackassedness ...are popping up and instead of walking away and shaking my head, I'm struggling with the desire to just tell them precisely how I feel about how they're behaving now and in the past. My blood pressure is up, my body is one stress reaction after another...
 
How many of us have seen this image on places like Facebook? I'm sure a lot of us. I saw it again last night and it hit me...I'm not getting better. I had been getting better, but something shifted and now I'm getting bitter. When I feel as if nobody sees me or nobody appreciates what I do, I'm getting angry. I'm getting frustrated. I just want to throw my hands up in the air and walk away from everything. I want to say "fuck off" to everyone and just live a life of seclusion where I can be alone...except, I'd be alone with my anger and everything else. It wouldn't help. 

There's so much more to this....how I've become afraid of the outside world, why I hoard people even those who have been nasty to me, how I don't feel as if I'm worth spending $35 on....and I know that I'll write those and maybe a few of you will read them and maybe it will resonate with one or two of you and somehow help. If it helps even one person, it makes the fight a little more worth it. 



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During his more than thirty years as a vascular surgeon, Richard Furman literally held clogged arteries and diseased hearts in his hands and wondered why the person lying on the table hadn't been more careful. Heart disease is the number one killer of men and women in America, and in most cases it is completely preventable. So why are we slowly destroying our bodies and killing ourselves? And what can we do to turn it around?

The good news is, simple, sustainable lifestyle changes can mean the difference between health and infirmity, between life and death. Putting his three decades of experience and education to work, Dr. Furman gives readers the strategies they need to live not just longer, but "younger." This essential resource to health helps readers :
-achieve and maintain their ideal weight
-reduce their risk for life-threatening diseases
-make exercise a natural part of their lives
-learn what foods to eat and what foods to avoid

It even shows how following the plan can not only eliminate heart disease, but also keep people safe from various cancers, dementia, diabetes, stroke, erectile dysfunction, and other age- and obesity-related problems.

Dr. Furman wants readers to realize that poor health during one's "golden years" is not inevitable. It can and should be avoided at all cost. And with his expert advice, readers can live long, healthy, vibrant lives, enjoying time with friends and family instead of wasting it in doctors' offices and hospitals.
=========================
Recently, I made a decision that I needed to change my life. I've had high cholesterol for as long as I can remember and I've been overweight for nearly as long. So, when this book came up for review, I jumped at the chance. I'm so glad that I did..while it took me a little while to get through (it gives you a lot to think about), I learned a lot too. For years, I've heard that I need to lower one type of cholesterol and raise another, but nobody told me how to do that. This book does. Filled with a ton of information and written in a way that anyone can understand it, I found myself highlighting entire passages and I even have a post it sticking out at one part to remind me where to find a certain chart. If you have weight, cholesterol or heart problems, this book could be a major help to you. Even if you're in perfect health, this book could make you look at  certain things differently. As for me, this one is going into my bedside table so I can pull it out whenever I have a question.



I received a copy of this book for the purpose of this review.  All thoughts, comments and opinions are my own.
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Tomorrow is the day where I find out if I'm officially crazy. I've said it before and I guess I'm going to say it again...I don't know which idea is scarier..the one where he looks at me and says there's nothing wrong with you or the one where he looks at me and says yeah, you were right. You have entire subscriptions to issues. I've spent so many years fighting this and I'm so tired. I'm so dang tired and scared.

I'm tired of the days where I wake up and my brain just doesn't work right. It's so hard to explain. It's like I'm in a room and one minute, it's open and light and airy. The next minute, it's filled with dense fog and suddenly there are walls that I can't see and I keep smacking into them. If I try to push past it, I get terrible headaches.

I'm tired of the days where everything seems to be okay but then suddenly I'm caught up in this whirlwind of fear and anxiety and all I can do is sit and rock while I cry, whispering please can't someone help me? Those are the days where I feel so incredibly alone. I feel as if nobody on the planet has the time to just sit and spend a bit of time talking to me. Those are the days when I want to throw myself at the feet of some and beg them to just hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay because okay is the last thing that I can see.

I'm even tired of the up days. The up days where everything is remarkably clear and I can focus and my brain works at super sonic speeds and I get a thousand things done. I'm happy and cheerful and optimistic and nothing can bring me down. They also leave me exhausted, both mentally and physically. Plus, I can't maintain those levels and when I crash, I crash hard.

I'm tired of living life on this rollercoaster where there are times when I don't feel as if I have any control. I'm tired of the "side effects" of living a life this way. I need answers and tomorrow, I will get answers. It's been close to two weeks since I sat in that room and took a battery of tests. Before I took the tests, the psychologist told me that he thinks part of my problem is that I'm too smart and that I'm not using my brain to its potential so it gets bored and bored brains are bad things. He wasn't surprised that I found myself doing editing since it requires a high level of intelligence and attention to detail. Then, I took the tests and I left feeling like an idiot. It's not surprising. The tests are meant to challenge your brain and mine hasn't been properly challenged in a long time. It's like using muscles that haven't been used in years..they moan and groan and struggle.

Tomorrow, I get answers and I'm scared. Deep down I know that it will all be okay but on those upper levels, I'm scared and I just want someone to hug me, to hold me and to tell me that it's all going to be okay.




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It's Thursday and you know what that means! It's time for me! Wow, that sounded egotistical, didn't it? Maybe I should have said it's time for us to do something good for us! Does that sound nicer? If not, well shoot, y'all know what I mean. It's time for all of us to do something nice for ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves because if we don't, we're no good for anyone else.

Today, I'm doing something a little bit different. I'm giving myself a reality check. As some of you may have read over at Welcoming Weight Loss, I've joined this fantastic group called the Mamavation Sistahood. They are some of the most incredible, generous and loving women you will ever meet.

Now, what you may not know is that a few times a year, they select women to become Mamavation Mamas. This is a huge thing! These ladies take trying to lose weight to a whole new level. A few people were encouraging me to apply but honestly, I'm just not ready for that. I was really worried that I was disappointing people by saying no or that maybe they thought I was making excuses. The truth is I'm not ready. This morning, one of their most fabulous mama's, Shelley and I were talking and she said what I'd been saying. She said yeah, you're not ready. This brought some serious mixed feelings. On one hand, I was almost relieved that someone else saw what I was saying. On the other hand it was a big time reality check. Let me explain why.

For a very long time, I had the worse self esteem a woman could have. In fact, I called it negative self esteem because everything I thought about myself was negative. For the past few years, I've been working hard at getting past that. One of the ways I was doing that was by telling myself that I was ok just the way I am. Now, that didn't just mean personality, it meant physically. This morning, suddenly the reality was right in front of my face. I'm not ok just how I am. I'm not. I am a beautiful person but what I have done to my body is not beautiful. It's dangerous. It's scary and it needs to change.

So, what am I doing for me today? I'm exploring this reality check. I'm working on some "assignments" to help me explore how I got to nearly 300 pounds. I'm going to write in my paper journal. Then, I'm going to spend a fun afternoon/evening with my boys. It's Family Reading Night at their school and we're going to go and have a fantastic time!

What are you going to do for you today? Are you going to find time to journal? Paint your nails a delicious new color? Curl up with a favorite movie? Spend some time moving that body to get your sweat on? Make sure you come back and let me know!



*** This post has been copied over to Welcoming Weight Loss ***
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Hi all. I just wanted to drop in here and let everyone know that I'm going to be gone for a few days, possibly the rest of the week. My mother messaged me tonight (no, do not ask me why nobody picks up a phone to reach me.) on Facebook to let me know that my Grandmother was taken to the hospital yesterday. She has some problems with the veins/arteries/tubes/whathaveyou that run to her kidneys and as such, the impurities/waste does not leave her body the way it should and for some reason, it ends up going into her legs where it forms like an infection and clear fluid seeps through her skin at all times. Right, now that you have that image, huh? Anyway, it got to the point where it was so swollen and painful, she couldn't even stand. For some unknown reason, she had the former minister's wife take her to the hospital instead of calling family. I'm sure something like she didn't want any of us to worry.

Anyway, she was told to make an appointment at the wound center. Well, as of earlier today, it hadn't been done and it seems that nobody over there is stepping forward to take care of things. Instead, they're busy telling each other what should be done.

So, I'm packing up my things and heading over there to make sure things get done. As my oldest says, when mom is serious, you'd better just do what she says. While I'm there, I'm going to start (and hopefully finish) decluttering her upstairs and probably doing a lot of cooking and cleaning and bossing my sister's children around and making them help. I love them but they've not been made to help out around there and they're more than old enough.

I love my family but they're enough to drive me insane. All good intentions and promises but so damn little follow through.

Anyway, that's where I'm going to be. Of course, there's no net connection because why should life be easy, eh? I will, however, try to write up my posts offline and post them once I'm back home. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I have the suspicion I'm going to need all the help/strength I can get.

Happy Thursday, all! Another week has zoomed by and before we know it, the weekend will be here. Have y'all taken time out for yourself yet this week? I confess that I really haven't. I've been fighting technology to get stuff done and working on getting my poor living room in order. I'm happy to report that the only boxes in here are the holiday item storage totes that just today received another round of items as I unpacked them from various boxes.

I need to take time for me. It's been a great week so far, but have any of you noticed that when you have day after day of highs, your body gets tired out? I know there's a chemical reason for this. I remember learning about it while I worked on my degree, but honestly, it's probably long and drawn out and my brain is just plain tired. So, we'll just say that I'm tired.

Now, don't get me wrong, this is the best kind of tired there is...well except maybe the tired you feel after giving birth or after having..well, we'll leave that to your imaginations. This is a family friendly blog after all but I know that all of you moms didn't get to be moms by immaculate conception. *wink* Anyway...hehe...This is a good tired. It's the tired you get after really great news (which I've had some this week) and after you've been really productive.

The problem is that when I get this tired, it sometimes turns into a bad thing unless I take care of myself. A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. For me, that's something that will probably never go away. Once your brain learns a chemical pattern, it's hard to unlearn it..not impossible, but tough. So, when I get super duper tired or worn out, my brain goes ah-ha! and tries to put me into "the bad place." Well, I'm not going to let it. Today, I have two take care of me tasks. I'm going to drink all of my water (something I'm trying to get back into the habit of doing for my own health) and I'm going to turn on some of my meditation music and I'm just going to sit and let my body relax. This is something I actually learned how to do in a Psychology class and it's wonderful for my mind, body and spirit.

So, now that I've revealed my grand master take care of me plan for today, what are all of you going to do to take care of yourself? It doesn't have to be anything big, but it does have to be for you.

Friday was Wear Red for Women Day, to help remind us all that heart disease is still a major killer of women. My beautiful friend, Abby, is a survivor and while I didn't wear red (I know, I know..slacker extraordinare, but I did get up waaaay late for school.), I did wear something really special to me. I wore the scarf that she made me. I wore it all day long and every time I looked down, I remembered how blessed I am to have her as a friend. Clearly the world wasn't done with her way back then.

So having this all in mind, imagine my surprise when I was working on this week's challenge and on my shelf, I found the Go Red for Women Light and Easy Recipes cookbook. Dang, how long have I had this? Well, in honor of Abby and all us women out there who need to take better care of ourselves, I'm posting a recipe. Enjoy!

Swiss Chard & Ricotta Manicotti (serves 4, 2 filled shells per serving)

Ingredients:

Cooking Spray
8 dried manicotti shells

Filling:
1 bunch swiss chard (about 8 ounces)
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
2 medium garlic cloves, minced
1 cup low-fat ricotta cheese
1 large egg white
1/4 cup shredded or grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper

Sauce:
3 large italian plum tomatoes (about 1 pound), cored and cut into wedges
1/4 cup no-salt-added tomato paste
1/4 cup fresh basil leaves
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

Extra:
1/2 cup shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese

Directions:
Lightly spray a 13x9x2-inch glass baking dish with cooking spray. Set aside.

Prepare the pasta using the package directions, omitting the salt and oil. Drain well in a colander, being careful to not tear the shells. Set aside.
Meanwhile, discard the stems of the chard. Stack several leaves and cut crosswise into 1/2 inch slices. Repeat with remaining leaves.
In a large nonstick skillet, heat the oil over medium-high heat, swirling to coat the bottom. Cook the onion and garlic for 3 minutes, or until soft, stirring occassionally. Stir in the chard. Cook for 3 minutes, or until the chard is wilted and the liquid has evaporated. Transfer to a medium bowl. Let cool slightly. Stir in the remaining filling ingredients.

Preheat the oven to 375 (F).

In a food processor or blender, process the sauce ingredients for about 20 seconds, or until chunky (do not process til smooth). Pour 1 cup sauce into the baking dish spreading to cover the bottom.

Gently spoon about 1/4 cup filling into a manicotti shell, being careful not to tear the shell. Transfer to the baking dish. Repeat with the remaining shells. Top with the sauce and sprinkle with the mozzarella.

Bake, covered for about 15 minutes. Uncover and bake for another 10 to 15 minutes, or until heated through.


Ok..I lied..I found this one and had to share it too!

Strawberry and Cream Cheese Coffee Cake (serves 16 - 1 piece per serving)

Ingredients:

Cooking spray
3 ounces light cream cheese, softened
2 tablespoons sugar
1 large egg white
1/4 cup uncooked quick-cooking oatmeal
1 tablespoon light brown sugar
1/2 tablespoon light tub margarine
1.25 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 cup uncooked quick-cooking oatmeal
1/3 cup sugar
2.5 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 cup fat-free milk
1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4 cup egg substitute
1 tablespoon canola or corn oil
1 cup fresh strawberries, chopped

Directions:
Preheat the oven to 350(F). Lightly spray an 8-inch square baking pan with cooking spray.

In a small bowl, whisk together the cream cheese, 2 tablespoons sugar, and egg white until smooth.

In a seperate small bowl, stir together 1/4 cup oatmeal and brown sugar. Using a fork, cut in the margarine until it is distributed evenly throughout the oatmeal mixture. The mixture will be crumbly.

In a medium bowl, stir together the flour, remaining 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1/3 cup sugar, and baking soda. Make a well in the center. Pour the remaning ingredients except the strawberries into the well. Stir until just combined; the batter will be somewhat lumpy. Do not overstir or the coffee cake may be tough. Pour into the baking pan, smoothing the surface.

Lightly spread the cream cheese mixture over the batter. Arrange the strawberries on top. Sprinkle with the oatmeal crumb mixture.

Bake for 25 to 30 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean. Transfer to a cooling rack. Let cool for at least 10 minutes before cutting.

** If anyone actually wants the nutritional information for either of these, just let me know. It's in the cookbook, as well. **