Sometimes something someone says gets stuck in my head and I can't get rid of it. It sits there, tugging at my thoughts, pulling at my emotions, until I give it the attention that it desires and perhaps the attention that I need to give it. After all, if it's there, it must be there for a reason, right?

In this case, a man that I was involved with a few years ago, perhaps more now, wrote me this rather horrible email to not only end our relationship but to end any association he had with me. Honestly, it was cruel and below this person, but that's not what this post is about. It's about what he said to me in that email that has hung around in my head for all these years and the fact that I'm finally at a point where I can deal with it clearly and without wasted emotion. After all, emotion is wasted on someone who was flat out cruel to you.

I'm not going to directly quote him because honestly, I have no desire to open that email. The gist of what he said was that I'm not me. I'm not someone who stands for anything or has her own beliefs. I'm merely someone who morphs herself into whatever she thinks the other person wants. I'm nothing more than a mimic.  Harsh, huh?

That one single idea has stuck with me ever since I read it and I wondered if it was true. Who am I? I'm reminded of this quote from the movie Music and Lyrics:

"Since then, every time I pick up a pen, I'm haunted by those words that he wrote, you know? "She was a brilliant mimic. She could ape Dorothy Parker or Emily Dickinson, but stripped of someone else's literary clothes, she was a vacant, empty imitation of a writer.""

Stripped of other people's interests and beliefs, who am I? You see, he was right in a way. I do tend to take on the interests of those I care about. Do I do it to define me? No, I don't think that I do. I do it to have more in common with them, to learn about new things. Rob is a perfect example of this and someone who, on the tiniest off chance that he ever read this, wouldn't care if I used him as an example.

Rob was/is very much into roller derby. Me? I knew next to nothing about it. When I'd visit him, if one of his friends stopped by, they'd sit and talk about it and I'd be left out because I knew nothing about it. I hated that. It was also something he was very passionate about so I wanted to know more. I downloaded and read the complete rule book. They teased me that the next thing they knew, I'd be some sort of official. The reality is that I never intended on playing myself or getting involved. I just wanted to know more. I'm still holding out for Rob to take me to my first bout.

Did I change myself into a derby girl because Rob was into derby? No. Some would point out that I did go and buy a pair of skates. I did. I still have them though due to illness, etc I haven't used them since right after I bought them. Skating is fantastic exercise and a lot of fun. It was something I could do on my own or go with Rob to do when I was visiting him. Was it because of him that I looked into it? Yeah, it was. Did it change anything? Not really.

So where am I going with all of this? I guess I'm going to the part where I say Stuart was right. Over the years, I've molded myself at times. My upbringing caused that. If I wasn't what was wanted, things happened. When I was with the boys' dad, that continued. Please don't misunderstand. He never raised a hand towards me, but he knew what buttons to push to get me to be or do what he wanted.

Then, I was on my own. I was no longer his wife. I no longer had an identity. I didn't know who I was. So, over the years since then, I guess I've explored options. With Rob, I explored the idea of skating and I discovered that it was something I enjoyed. I totally sucked at it, but I enjoyed it. With others, it may have been certain television shows or hobbies. Does that mean that I continued to morph? Perhaps, but only to the smallest extent. As someone who had no idea who they were anymore, what their interests were or what they wanted to do/be in life, it was a way to discover the answers to those things. I discovered that no matter how much someone else liked it, I just could not get into Buffy, but that I loved Doctor Who. I realized that I do kind of like certain types of science fiction. I found a tiny piece of me.

I tend to think of myself as one of those jigsaw puzzles that have 10,000 pieces and each time I discover something, a tiny piece slides into place. With enough exploration, I may find me again. I think that I started my container garden a number of years ago because Rob or someone was growing tomatoes and it gave me an additional connection to him. It also allowed me to discover that dirt therapy is really good for me. Does Rob still grow tomatoes? Heck if I know. I do know that right now, there are 8 plants on my front porch that I need to water later today.

There are also things that I do simply because they're a part of me. I love to craft. I've been making things since I was a child and while I don't do it as much these days it's not because someone has frowned on it. It's simply because I got in my own way and now I need to clear that out so that I can get back to it. Nick once told me that coloring is my therapy...crafting always was and I suspect it always will be. I can't draw but I can still create in my own way.

Which brings me to writing...another thing that I've done for as long as I can remember. In fact, if you asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I'd tell you that I want to write. It's another thing that I'm just plain getting in my own way of. Will I ever be famous for writing? Probably not. Could I be successful at it? Probably. It's my own fears that are getting in the way of that, but that's probably another post for another day. It's another one of those thoughts that have been bumping around in my head lately.

What does this all mean? It means that you may see me becoming interested in something that you do. I may try it out for a little bit. I may discover that I love it and stick with it. I may discover that it's not me and leave it. Either of those things is okay. The only way to truly discover if something is me is to try it. I'm not mimicking, I'm exploring and exploration is healthy. It's good.

In order to reclaim me, I have to find me.



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Wow, you can tell it's been a long time since I used this graphic, huh? It has the old domain on it! Goodness gracious, I'm going to have to do something about that. I wonder if I still have any sort of software. Probably not! No worries though. This is a minor thing in the story of life. Now...on with the proper Save the Planet Saturday post!

One of the things that the boys and I are doing this year is putting in a fairly good sized container garden. We're growing all sorts of things and while they're not as excited as I am, it really is a great family project. The boys each have a plant of their own and once summer rolls around, it will be their responsibility to care for it.

If you've ever planted a container garden, you'll know that it takes a few things to make it happen: containers, seeds and a lot of dirt. Did I mention a lot of dirt? To be honest, I've lost track of how many bags of topsoil and garden soil we've purchased this year and we're not close to done yet. I don't even want to imagine how much money we've spent or how much money, etc went into getting that dirt to a location where I could purchase it. Some of you may be thinking... but it's just dirt. How much could that affect the environment? Well, how about the plastic bags that it's all packaged in? The cost, not just in money but emissions, for transporting it to the various stores? Plus other things that I won't take the time to mention.

So, what's a girl with a garden to do? Compost. Now, if you're like me, you can't have a giant compost pile just sitting in your yard. It's not precisely attractive and they can take up quite a bit of space. My solution? Trash can composting. Keep reading for just how I did it...

 Step 1: Collect up your supplies. In this case, a 32 gallon or larger trash can with a lid that snaps closed and a cordless drill with a drill bit attached.
 Step 2:  Using your drill, drill holes into the lid of your trash can. These serve multiple purposes. To properly get your compost composting, you need to have air and moisture. Having the holes in the top allows rainwater to drip in and for air to circulate.
 Step 3: Flip your trash can over and drill holes into the bottom. Again, this helps with air circulation, but it also serves the opposite purpose of the top holes. It allows for excess water to drain out the bottom.
Step 4: Continue your drilling by adding holes all around the trash can itself. Be careful that you don't drill so many that you ruin the structural integrity of your container. After all, you want this to hold soil, not break open and dump who knows what all over the place!
 Step 5: Find a location for your brand new composter! You have a couple of options. What's shown in this photo is actually not a recommended one! It doesn't allow for air circulation or drainage. If you'd like worms to find their way into your trash can (and this is a good thing! Worms make great compost helpers!), place your new composter onto a patch of soil. This will allow them to wriggle their way up through your drainage holes and to start munching away at all the worm goodies that you'll be putting into your compster.
Step 5 continued: Your other option is to place your composter up on something like bricks. This is actually my original composter. It's almost halfway full of some seriously great looking dirt. Once it's full, I'll be switching over to my brand new one. This gives me a chance to pop into the store (or look around) for a few bricks. Having the composter raised allows for drainage and for proper air circulation. It doesn't allow for our friends the worms to climb up in, though. So, if you want some worm help, you have a couple of options. You can buy some or you can do what I've done and as you spot them in your yard, pick up the little wrigglers and move them into your composter.



Once you have the structure built, you're ready to get started! For my composter, I added a bag of old topsoil, a bit of water and then started adding the "gunk."  What defines gunk? Gunk includes fruit and veggie scraps, produce that's past it's prime and yard debris such as grass and leaves. Things that you don't want to include? Meat and dairy products because as they break down, they stink! Not only do they stink, but that smell is much more likely to call critters that you don't want hanging about. You also don't want to add in things like sticks because they don't really break down in this sort of composter.

A couple of quick tips: Compost does best when it's rotated to get a good mix. You have a couple of options for this. If your lid snaps down firmly and won't come off, take your bin, lay it on its side and roll it around a few times every couple of weeks and then put it back in place. If this won't work for you, do what I do..whenever I add something new, I take a shovel and mix it all up.  Also, if you can, chop whatever you're tossing in there into small pieces. This will decrease the amount of time that it takes for it to break down. Again, I've found my shovel is really useful for this, especially when I don't want to touch that science project veggie that I found hiding in the back of the fridge!

With any luck and a little patience, you'll have some great soil for your garden beds, flower beds or containers!



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