Hi all! I realized today that it's been quite a while since I posted just a random update post. Since I have a bit of time before I need to go pick up the youngest, I thought I'd stop by and say hi! Hi!

Thing here are actually going pretty well. There are the usual concerns but for the most part, we're doing okay. I've been making slow progress on the house. Watch for an upcoming photo update post from the kitchen. It's been a long summer though. I've rarely been at home and it's very much taking its toll on me. I'm tired. How tired am I? So tired that I can't stop giggling over this darn image.

Surprisingly enough, my mood seems fairly stable. I'm incredibly appreciative of that fact. Usually when I get this run down, I'm a complete disaster. Right now, though I have my moments of melancholy, it's not crippling me. I'm doing okay and it puts a huge smile on my face to be able to say that. Ever since I went to Baltimore, I've been working on me. It was pointed out to me then that I spend most of my life hiding away and I realized that the person was right. I had gotten to the point where I was scared of most everything.

It hasn't been easy but one little step at a time I've worked on reclaiming me. I've started working on my weight. (You can read about that over on Welcoming Weight Loss) I've gotten back into working on the kitchen. I went out for drinks one night when I was invited. My biggest thing? I've taken on a co-author role on a series of books. The opportunity was offered to me over a year ago but I was too afraid to agree to do it. Now, even though I'm not as confident in myself as my partner is, I'm doing it - one word, one paragraph, one chapter at a time. I've also decided to further my education. Not with another degree quite yet (there's some serious financial mess to clear up before that can happen), but with an hour every other week during my writing time where I focus on something. Some of you may remember Caliban's website. I'm working my way from beginning to end of that. It's a bit of a journey of self-discovery. Once I finish that, I have a ton of blogging and writing tool pdfs that I'd like to go through. Once the boys are back in school, I'm going to increase the frequency for working on the book and for "homeschooling" myself. I do want to go back to college and most likely get a second bachelor's degree and then who knows, one day I may even become Dr Kat. I kind of like the sound of that.

For now though, things are going well. I'm doing well. Finances are always tricky, but I'm not letting that defeat me. I'm keeping busy doing what I can do and trying not to focus on the things that I can't control.

Eek! I just noticed the time! It's time for me to get changed and to head into town to pick up Roger. We have some grocery shopping to do and then home. I'll be back soon though. I have to tell all of you what the boys are up to!



If you like what you've read here, please share it with others using these buttons:

Over the past few weeks, it's been pointed out to me that I've changed...the girl who used to be so open has hidden herself away, she's more careful with what she says and she doesn't really talk to anyone anymore. Sure, she posts on social media, but it's shallow. It's not what's inside her. It's just enough so that people will leave her alone.

Those people are right. Losing Reece changed me. It woke up every feeling of insecurity and worthlessness that I've ever felt. It took me to a place that I never thought I would see again. A few weeks ago, I planned on killing myself. While I'm glad that I didn't, living with these feelings has been incredibly hard. I've shut myself off to most people. People scare me. There. I said it. People scare me.

There are very few people that I trust right now and it's to those people that I turn. They're doing their best to remind me how amazing and awesome I am and while I don't argue with them, it's hard for me to believe them. What happened to the girl who was starting to believe that she could do anything? It's as if she got knocked down and then trampled on until there was nothing of her left but a battered and bruised shell.

The thing about bruises is that they heal. Some take longer than others, but broken bones, broken hearts, and bruises all heal. It's a process and for someone who constantly has a voice in their head that tears them apart, it can be a long process. Yes, I've hidden myself away but I needed to. I needed to focus on myself and deciding if I were worth the effort. I'm not ready to come out yet. I need this time with me so I can try to be okay again. I have doubts that I'll ever find happy again, but right now, okay seems like a pretty good place to be.

Yes, people scare me, but I know that over time I'll slowly start to stick my head out again. I'll find my place and maybe even love again, but right now, I'm going to be quiet. I'm going to protect my heart because it's fragile. The wrong thing said by someone I care about starts the tears flowing. Letting even a few in has been incredibly hard when all I want to do is hide. We're all built with the instinctual fight or flight response. Mine has always been flight. By letting even one person in, I'm trying to fight. I'm trying to silence the awful feelings of worthlessness, of being forgettable, of being a nobody unworthy of anything good.

I'm here...and I'm fighting...but for me, right now, it's a silent fight...



If you like what you've read here, please share it with others using these buttons:

Ok, I know it's Tuesday but yesterday was just insane. I had to be out the door just after 11 to pick up the boys and to take them to Film Camp at the school. Then, I grabbed some lunch and went to the library with the intent on making this post, but that didn't happen because the library's wifi was being just plain awful. Then, I had to pick up the boys and do a quick run to Walmart before meeting Peter and Donna at the movies to see Toy Story 3. Then, it was off to home where I got the boys tucked into bed and collapsed on the couch, totally exhausted. I'm not sure why I'm so tired these days. If it doesn't improve, I may actually go and see a doctor about it.

Anyway, how about a meal plan?

Monday - n/a
Tuesday - Mac n Cheese w/ Hamburger
Wednesday - Spaghetti
Thursday - Tacos
Friday - Lasagna
Saturday - Fish Sticks & French Fries
Sunday - Family Reunion (not sure if we'll be able to afford the gas money to go)

Ta da! One menu that now I have to turn into a shopping list.

Going crazy, I swear. Ok, I was already crazy but it's felt like an insane summer. My boys are here with me and we've been trying to keep busy with trips to the library and 1 or 2 of the free movies each week. I've been feeling a bit under the weather with what appear to be never ending allergies. I think I've gone through a box and a half of tissues, at least. If anyone wants to buy me stock, Kleenex might be a good one to buy.

Other than that, I guess I've been feeling a bit low. No particular reason. It just happens sometimes. I've been slowly tackling projects around the apartment, though. Right now, I'm working on totally clearing out my cupboards of foods we won't eat or things I have multiples of. Like, why do I need or even have 3 containers of baking cocoa? If all goes well, I'll be posting two or three bags of food up on freecycle (www.freecycle.org) later on today.

Let's see..what else? Oh! My nephew Dominic was born on Friday. He's in NICU right now, but hopefully won't be too much longer. As a former NICU mommy, I can tell you that he's coming along just fine and was there mostly for preventative reasons.

Oooh...and Klo has asked me to join the Pazzles girls for an upcoming show! I'm super excited and can't wait. It's not til the end of this month though, which is good because I have so much to get done. We have company coming about a week after we get back (the boys are going to stay with my sister, her kids and my grandmother while I'm gone) and I need to kick this apartment into shape.

Guess that's about all happening here. Hopefully I'll be back to updating regularly real soon.

Oh, and if anyone knows a really good Stampin' Up! demonstrator, I'm looking for a new one. I'm finally giving up on the nonsense that the current one puts me through just to get my orders.

That's what I'm starting to wonder myself. I seem to have stalled on my grand scheme of getting this place in order so that I could actually craft. I know that this is due to a combination of factors : working, kids, depression and just being tired. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. With the help of someone special, I've got a plan of action for reclaiming this apartment. It's started today and before I go to bed tonight, my bathroom will be halfway clean again. That's the easiest of my rooms, but I have to start somewhere, right? I know that I didn't post my Finish It Friday post this week, but I'm going to probably later on tonight. I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about it, but you know..why not? It's another thing in my life taken care of.