After over two weeks of attempts, I finally have a cat scan scheduled for my lungs. It's not until mid-October, but at least it's scheduled. I'm not impressed with the hospital system for completely dropping the ball on this. Hopefully their techs are better than their schedulers. But hey, I got it done!

No Starbucks today. The kid had today off of class because he has to go in tomorrow to take a test. Instead, we had an emergency oil change done (emergency because the light started flashing in my car), grocery shopped, did bio homework, and studied more for the math test. Tomorrow I'm not sure how long I'll have while he takes the test so I decided I'd better write this week's post up tonight.

In honor of my baby turning 20...egads, I no longer have teenagers! How did that happen? Anyway, lol...I wanted to share another story from my upcoming book, Apo's Army. 

It's not a birthday without presents! So, over the next few weeks, I'm going to be giving away copies of all three of my books that are on Amazon! I'm going to be giving away one each week and some entries can be done each day so make sure that you come back and enter again!

a Rafflecopter giveaway




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The other day I wrote a post about turning 40 next week and my attitude towards it. I meant every single word in that post and somewhere, under the depression, there is still that spark of excitement over a new year with new possibilities and opportunities.

But right now, it's under the depression. Every year, about a week or so before my birthday, I feel it coming on. I try to fight it. I try to keep busy, to ignore it, but I pretty much fail every time. Very few people understand and that just makes it worse.

I make joking posts on Facebook about how it's 10 days before my birthday and I haven't received a single card yet and how people should celebrate the 10 days of me or something equally silly but under all the frivolity is a grain of truth. I watch other people post about all of the love and gifts and time with people that they got for their birthdays and while I'm so happy for them, a bit of it slices at me. The voice in my head reminds me that when my birthday comes along, I'll be alone, that I'm not important enough or special enough for anyone to be with me. I'll try to tell it to shut up and to remind it that I don't live near anyone, but it reminds me of how I've dropped everything to drive hours and hours or to fly to spend someone else's with them.

My brain can be a total asshole at times. It's worse when I try to talk to others about it because they always have the same response. Stop depending on other people for your happiness on that day. Go and do what you want to do. That's great because I can't do that. You see, all these people have one thing in common...they're in happy, committed relationships or they're surrounded by friends. They aren't alone. They can't understand or don't try to understand that the one thing I want to do that day is not be alone. I don't care if I curl up with someone on the couch and have a movie marathon or what have you. It doesn't have to be big or flashy. I just don't want to be alone.

I want my birthday to be special and in my head that means being with people or at least a person who loves me. I spend every day alone. Being alone isn't special. I can go to the movies or out to eat alone any time I want to. I've spent my entire life not feeling special or wanted.

When I was a child, my sister was the golden child in our household. She could do no wrong and I could do no right. At my mother's house, it was my brother. I had birthday parties canceled because of something they did. By the time I was in high school, I felt as if I were either invisible or expected to be an adult. I just wanted to be a teenager but I had been trained to take everyone else and so I fell into line and did just that.

Then, I got married to the first guy who paid me any kind of real attention and who I thought meant it when he said he loved me. I wrote in other post what birthdays were like for me. I always made a big deal out of his and out of things like father's day but it never worked the other direction. I still felt invisible and as if I were only there to serve a purpose.

After the divorce, I guess I thought things would be different. Instead, I was raped for my 30th birthday by someone I thought I knew and trusted after I'd spent over 12 hours traveling to get to where he was. The fact that I had any spirit left was something to be beaten out of me or taken another way. I was a nobody in his eyes, just something to use, abuse, and then throw away.

I don't remember the next few years...I moved to New York, spent birthdays alone or in class. I moved back to Michigan and I think once since 2007, I spent the day with someone I loved and it was lovely. For my 35th birthday, someone decided to throw me a birthday party...except nobody came which just solidified my feeling of not mattering. Now, here we are, five years later and it's 9 days before my birthday.

I'm depressed, in tears, and just want to put my head down until it's over. Little things feel huge and though I know they're not, I can't seem to push past them. I'm trying. Oh, how I try. I give myself little speeches about how it's not personal if someone sees your messages and doesn't bother to respond to them even though you used to talk every day all the time. It's not personal if someone you've worked with on multiple projects goes ahead with a project without you or without even telling you. It isn't personal if people don't like or comment on your posts or on things you comment on theirs. I tell myself that I'm not invisible. I tell myself that I am loved.

I tell myself all of those things and deep down, I know them all to be true but for the next 9 days it will be a constant battle of depression vs reality. I'm exhausted already from it and I know that there will be a million more tears, a million more times checking my email, a million more times stopping myself from doing things like checking my amazon wishlist to see if anyone has bought anything for me...it will be all of these things and I will win but for now, I fight.

So please...if you interact with me over these next 9 days, try to understand that I'm fragile, that I'm hyper sensitive and that my brain is ready in an instant with some lie or way to misinterpret things. Most of all, just try to love me. Know that I am not this way by choice and that it's something I'm constantly working on and trying to get past. It's hard but not impossible.

I love you all...really and truly, I do and if nothing else, writing this helped me. It cleared things out of my head and somehow, when it's in my own words, in black and white, it's easier to deal with. It gives me those moments of peace where I can take a deep breath and say yep, brain, you suck and you're full of nonsense but I'm going to keep going because I know I'm loved and I'm stronger than this. The depression will strike back but it's those moments..the moments of truth...that keep me going. This post helped me and maybe it might help someone else too.




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Yep. 40. In a mere 13 days, I will be arriving at that major milestone in my life. As with any birthday that ends in zero, it's caused me to be introspective and to look at where my life is, where my life was, and where I'd like my life to go. Then, because I so rarely post here as much as I would like, I decided to share it with you. After all, it was that or do more than pretend to watch one of my least favorite iCarly episodes with the boys. This way, I can be in the room, hanging out with them, but don't have to focus on it. Yay for having teenagers that like you around but don't care if you're watching the show with them!

So...40. Ben tells me that reaching 40 is a major life accomplishment. He didn't expand upon that, but looking back on my life and where I've been, I can't argue with him. There have been times in my life that I wanted nothing more than to no longer be on this planet, but somehow (and with the love and support of some amazing people), here I still am. Do I regret those feelings? No because fighting to get past them is part of what's made me who I am today.

Life hasn't always been grand, but I don't want to dwell on a lot of it. For that you'll have to buy my book. *grins* So let's just talk about birthdays. I don't remember having a birthday party after maybe my 13th. My birthday just kind of became a non thing. After I got married, even my husband didn't give it much attention. If I had a cake, it was because I made it. He'd tell me to go buy something for myself. As the years went on, I felt less and less like I mattered to anyone. It didn't get any better after the divorce.  For my 30th birthday, I was raped. For my 35th, someone decided to throw me a birthday party that nobody came to. After that, I tried to make plans with friends so that I wouldn't be alone but every year for the past 4 years, I've made plans and people have bailed on me.

This year was going to be different. Last year I said that I was going to spend my 40th in England, surrounded by friends. It didn't happen because financially the kids needed those funds for various things. Then, I made tentative plans with someone really special and awesome. Sadly, circumstances have made that impossible.

So where does that leave me? Well, that depends upon how you look at things. Let's look at a couple of scenarios:

1) I turn 40. I spend the entire day alone until it's time to go into town for the football game. At the game, I sit in the stands alone. After the game, I chaperone the dance where I stand alone against a wall and just feel generally miserable. I've had this birthday before. It pretty much sucks.

2) I still turn 40. I don't think I'm going to avoid that. I spend the day doing something I love, like learning or writing or talking with any friends who may be around online. I go to the game and enjoy watching Ben on the sidelines and Roger on the field with the band. Afterwards, we skip the dance, come home and hang out for a while. Then, we take the rest of the weekend and just have fun (except for any homework that needs doing).

In the end, it's about attitude. It's about my attitude towards the day. I could look at 40 and sigh and say life is half over or I could smile and say hey, I have half a life to go, what should I do with it? It's all up to me. I know that option 1 will be what my programmed mind will want to veer towards. My mean brain will tell me that nobody cares enough about me to come and spend my birthday with me, that if people loved me that they'd make a big deal out of the day I was born, that cards and gifts somehow show my self worth. None of that is true, but I've been programmed to believe those things. The bonus of being human and not a computer? I can retrain myself. I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So, that's what I'm going to be working on...that and planning what awesome shenanigans I can get up to in my 40th year! Keep your eyes open for the annual birthday post with my hopes and plans for the upcoming year!

Oh...and if you wanted to get me something, ocd me created an Amazon wishlist specifically just for my birthday. Don't worry. If you don't, I'm not going to take it personally because y'all show me you love me every time I post anything here and you stop by to read. Let's create another year of amazingness because after all 40 is going to be the new me!



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It's actually been close to seven weeks since my birthday, but for one reason or another...or one excuse or another, I never sat down to write this post. Now, I am..it's time to recap, recover and roll out the goals for the coming year.

I'm happy to say that this past year brought no physical deaths to my doorstep. Sadly, it did bring the deaths of some friendships. As life changes, it seems that sometimes people do too. People move on and I'm learning to deal with the aftermath of that. I won't say it's been easy, but it's not knocked me down as hard as it may have in the past.

There have been good things, as well. Both of my boys are happy and healthy. Ben is up in high school now and though he's struggling with the amount of work and how not to become overwhelmed, he's doing well. He was even the girls' swim team manager, which I know that he loved. Roger is busy being Roger. He's a straight A student, was on the football team and is now doing basketball. Did I mention he's in band and jazz band, as well? As a mom, I do a lot of running around these days. While it can be exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

One of the not so great things that has happened has happened with me. I've really struggled with the bipolar side of things over the past year or so. I'm on new medication now so I'm really hoping that it helps. While I've come to terms that this is something I will always have to deal with, I haven't done so well in setting up routines and such to help keep the house functional. If I'm honest, the house is in pretty rotten shape right now. It's not as bad as it has been, but it needs to be a lot better.

Which brings us to the list...This year's goals:

Outside of the House:
1. Clear out all of the flower beds - They're overgrown and some even have trees in them!
2. Finish spray painting the tires and get new roses planted in them.
3. Clear the front porch and make it look inviting.
4. Paint the front door - It's time to give this house some character.
5. Finish clearing the back deck.
6. Get the front porch roof repaired/replaced. - This is a job for the owners and may include the entire roof.
7. Create a third composter for all of the after garden soil.
8. Complete barn re-organization.
9. Clear out any trash that has blown/been dragged under the front porch.
10. Get cable re-hooked up to the barn.
11. Clear out pile of rubble from in front of barn.

Inside of the House:
1. Replace living room flooring.
2. Complete wall redecorating (clean, new shelving, organizing, purging)
3. Complete living room redecorating (clean, paint, organizing, purging)
4. Get everything hung up in boys' room.
5. Complete master bedroom redecorating (clean, paint, organizing, purging, light repaired)
6. Purge until we're only surrounded by the things we need and the things we love.
7. Get dryer repaired - owner job
8. Get water repaired - owner job
9. Get heating repaired - owner job
10. Get living room ceiling repaired - owner job
11. Maintain what I've already accomplished.

In Life:
1. Continue to build up the websites, this one and Geek-o-Rama
2. Focus on true friendships ...quality over quantity
3. Travel
4. Spend as much time with the boys, doing things we love.
5. Learn Irish (again) on my own.
6. Take time for me.
7. Take care of me - mental health and physical health
8. Work on finding more writing and editing jobs.
9. Remember what's really important in life.
10. Build routines to help manage life.
11. Be someone that I can be proud of, no matter what others may think.

Whew..that's some list but instead of being overwhelmed or intimidated, I'm excited to see it down in writing. Now, to pick an area and get to work!



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Yesterday, was my birthday. It's hard to believe that not only another year has gone by, but that so much can change in just that short amount of time. In the past year, I've lost friends and my grandma passed away.  I've gone through some really dark times. My world started caving in around me.

On the other side, I've gotten to know some really amazing people and I'm lucky enough to call some of them friends. I've been blessed to do some travelling to spend time with those friends. I've had friends who have stuck by me for years remind me that they're still there and willing to kick me in the ass when necessary. There's a certain bonus that comes with knowing people who won't feed you a line no matter how down you're feeling.

It is thanks to the amazing people in my life that I'm coming out of the dark period and into a new and far more fun period. They've pulled me, sometimes kicking and screaming along until I've remembered the good things about life. I'm a much stronger person than I was a year ago and perhaps it's because of the bad times but it's also because of the support that I had through those times.

The year ahead may hold some more tough times, but I'm more prepared for them. I have goals and that's a great first start for me. I already showed you the start of the barn project. I've actually done a bit more out there and it's coming along nicely. It's just the start in a long line of goals that I want to share with all of you...this isn't a new years resolution kind of thing, but more a list of what I know I can do and what I want to do before my birthday rolls around next year.

Outside of the house:
1. Clear out all of the flower beds - They're all overrun and it's time to give them a fresh start.
2. Build up the flower beds again. - The rails on them have fallen down and it just looks a mess.
3. Put in a small vegetable garden. - A couple of the flower beds would be great for that.
4. Clip the bushes into shape. - I dislike these things but unless we buy the house, they have to stay. There's no reason they can't look semi-decent though.
5. Clear the front porch. - It still has things on it that need to be put away.
6. Get the front porch roof repaired/replaced. - This will be a job for the owners.
7. Clear out the trash from under the front porch. - Not mine but it looks a mess.
8. Put in a new compost bin & area.
9. Complete barn re-organization
10. Clean out the van.
11. Get cable rehooked up to barn.

Inside the house:
1. Replace bathroom flooring.
2. Complete kitchen redecorating (clean, paint, flooring, cupboard organizing)
3. Complete wall redecorating (clean, new shelving, organizing)
4. Complete living room redecorating (clean, paint, new shelving, area rug?)
5. Get desks & hope chest into house.
6. Repaint boys bedroom.
7. Repaint master bedroom & get light repaired.
8. Empty out laundry room and put new flooring in.
9. Purge until we're only surrounded by the things we need and the things we love.
10. Get dryer repaired. - Owner job.
11. Get plumbing repaired. - Owner job.

In life:
1. Continue to build up my websites, including the new baby of the family, Geek-o-Rama
2. Continue to build up my friendships.
3. Travel.
4. Spend as much time with the boys, doing things we love.
5. Learn Spanish (again) with Ben.
6. Learn Irish (again) on my own.
7. Continue to do what makes me happy even if it doesn't make everyone else happy.

I think that's a pretty good list for the upcoming year. Maybe from time to time, I'll revisit this and cross things off as I get them accomplished. I'm eager to see what the next year has in store.



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My birthday was back on September 23rd and for the first time in more years than I can remember, I had a birthday party! One of my bestest friends ever, Lauren, got some folks together and I have to say, it was wonderful. There might not have been a huge turn out but I felt so loved by those who could come out. It was really quality over quantity. Plus, I got an awesome birthday hug from Chris. I could have one of those every day and they would never get old. Yep, I'm a hugger and that man gives quality hugs.  It was seriously, the best birthday I've had in a very long time. Lauren even made me a birthday cake! I heard her hubby had a hand in it and while that sounds a bit gross if you take it literally, it was one yummy cake!





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Happy Birthday, to my baby! It's hard to believe that 8 years ago today, I was in the hospital being induced for this guy. After dilating, going backwards and getting there again and a mere 20 minutes of pushing (yes, you can be envious but after the pregnancies "easy deliveries" are good), Pirate Roger came into the world. Most kids come out crying. According to my Doctor, Roger sounded like a pirate. My 9lb 9.5oz 38 weeker is 8 years old now. 8 years old, 2nd grade...man, they grow up so fast! Mommy misses you buddy, but I sure hope you and your brother like your present when it gets there.

Today is my birthday and looking over my hopes and expectations for today got me thinking about life online. When is it that e-gifts and cards became so common nature that getting an actual physical birthday card in the mail became a big deal?

Every day since Friday, I've rushed upstairs whenever I heard the mail come through the slot. I dug through everyone's mail looking for a birthday card. Yesterday, I got one. One. Yep, that's the only birthday card I received this year.

Honestly, this bothers me. E-cards are nice, but let's face it, nothing can replace the feeling you get when you see that envelope in your mailbox. Or when you open it and see that someone has taken the time and effort to write something personal, something special to you.

The truth is that for a lot of years, my birthday plum went by forgotten by most of the people in my life. I didn't expect too much of a change this year, but I did expect some change. I've hooked back up with some wonderful women who I consider friends. I have some special people in my life.

And yet, our lives have become overrun with the idea that a quick email or an e-card or even a gift certificate that arrives via email can somehow replace an actual card or gift. I don't have any presents to open this year. The two gifts I did receive were for me to use online and I got an email notification. They're great gifts and I know that the people who sent them actually took some time to know that anything music or books and I'm gonna love it. They were right, I do love the gifts and I will use them both with a smile on my face and in my heart.

I know that life gets busy. It's hard to keep up with birthdays and anniversaries and the day to day craziness that we all live in. But let's not let go of the things that worked and made people feel loved and cared for, all for the sake of convenience. Yes, it is more effort to go to Hallmark or Walmart and pick up a present and a card. It's more work to tuck it in a gift bag or wrap it and then into a mailing box and possibly having to go to the post office to mail it. But, let me tell you, those are the very things that make those we care about feel loved and cared for. The fact that you took an hour from your life to do something nice for another person will never go unnoticed.

I'm sure that this post might upset some people and honestly, that isn't my intention. I guess because I am alone today and my big birthday plans included grocery shopping and homework, I've had a lot of time to sit and think about where we've gotten to as a society. For those who sent me a text message or an email to say Happy Birthday, thank you. It was good to know that I wasn't totally forgotten. For my dear friends who sent me a little something online, I will totally enjoy shopping for music, movies and books. I'll probably be calling you to help me decide what to choose, my wish lists are endless at times.. For the one person who sent me something physical, something I can look at and touch...thank you. Thank you for taking the time to pick it out and have it sent to me.