Five years ago today I got the call that would lead to the end of something that had started 10 months previously. Looking back, I think I can say that it was the day that I finally lost myself after the previous 5 years of fighting to find myself again. I suppose that I ought to give some background so that this makes sense to someone other than me...

In 2005, Peter and I agreed that it was time for a divorce. In June 2006, the divorce was finalized. Memorial Day weekend 2017, I left the house that we had bought together and everything I knew to move to New York. To say that I was lost is perhaps the understatement of the century. I left behind everything I knew and in some ways, my very identity. For the 10 years or so before that, I had been known as Peter's wife. Since 2000, I had been someone's mom. There was no me outside of those two roles. I didn't have any local friends. The only people I socialized with were online.

For the next five or six years, I fought to figure out who I was without being someone's wife or mother. (Of course, I was still the boy's mom but I had made the heartbreaking decision to leave the boys with their dad because he had the job, the money, the insurance, and the location where all of Ben's team were located.) I missed almost an entire semester of school due to a depression so bad that it crippled me and gave me panic attacks whenever I tried to get into the car to go anywhere. I ended up in therapy that was mostly useless because the therapist decided that my entire issue was that I was lonely. I wasn't lonely, I was lost.

I did finish that semester of school by some tiny miracle, dropping most of my classes, and having some incredibly understanding instructors. I finished the following year as well and while it improved, I never really shook that depression. Later, I would be diagnosed as Bipolar II. I graduated with honors with a degree in Psychology and was once again faced with the idea of having nowhere to go. The people I had been renting from wanted me out and I wanted out. The atmosphere was unhealthy on almost every level. In the end, I decided to "come home". I needed to be back with my boys. I found a house to rent in Sunfield, about 25 miles from them. It wasn't perfect but it was at least within driving distance. I threw myself back into being their mother. I drove (and still do) every day to town to do homework with one or both of them. I went (and still go) to all of their events. This was a me that I knew.

Slowly, piece by piece, I recovered from losing the world that I knew and I started to build up a new one. I was finding me again. I started writing again. I started crafting again. I slowly purged the things that I had accumulated and that I really had no need for. I felt as if I had close friends, even if they again lived nowhere near me. I started working out and eating better. In fact, I think I lost close to 75 pounds and for the first time in a long time, didn't hate myself when I looked in the mirror.

My Grandparents

Then, my world started to crumble again. The only person who I had ever felt loved me unconditionally got sick and suddenly everyone was leaning on me for strength and acted as if I could somehow magically fix it. I should have been stronger. I should have said no, but I didn't. They knew what cards to play. They reminded me how she'd taken me in when my own parents didn't want me. Before I knew it, I was spending almost every weekend at her house cleaning, organizing, purging, sorting and with my poor boys in tow. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to them, but the guilt laid on me was too much for me to say no to.

I stopped working out. I stopped cooking because I was tired and stressed and I was starting to crack around the edges. I was trying to keep everything normal but nothing was normal and the guilt of the fact that I was dragging my children into it added to everything. Five years ago today, my grandmother died after being sick for 10 months. I'm not going to lie. I was glad. I was glad that she was no longer suffering and I was glad that it was over. Except, for me, it wasn't over.

For the next six weeks, my family would guilt me into going through ever box that had been packed and sorting it into things they could sell and things they could toss. I was exposed to their greed, their hypocrisy, and their selfishness. They were allowed to mourn but I was expected to work. During that six weeks, I was pushed to my breaking point and at the end, when I finally had the strength or perhaps the desperation to say no more, it was too late. I had lost myself again. I had lost myself and I had lost the few close "local" friends that I had thought I'd had. I went home and buried myself..literally.

Boxes and boxes of her things had made their way to my house either because I'd brought them there or because they'd been dumped there. On top of that, I had started to surround myself with stuff in a desperate effort to feel some sort of security. In the years that followed, it would only get worse. There are very few who know the true conditions that I was living in and in some ways, still live in. I wish I could explain how this was "okay" to me but I can't because it wasn't. The worse the house got, the worse I felt. The guilt, the anxiety, all of it overwhelmed me until I was crippled and frozen by it.

Five years ago, I lost myself again and I'm just starting to find myself. Some of you have seen the tag Reclaiming Me either here or on Facebook. That's a very real thing for me.  Just over a year ago, I started purging my house again. I've backslid at times and made huge strides at others. Eight months ago, Nick convinced me to work with him on a book series. When he brought it up in exchange for doing something for me, we both knew that it wasn't a fair deal but neither of us cared. I think he knew I needed to push myself, that I needed a challenge and as for me, I felt ready to take that challenge. Oh, I've had major bouts of anxiety and self doubt since that agreement, but I finished book one and it's had good feedback.

Five years is a long time and I'm not back to the place I was before it happened. I wish that I could say that I was, but I'm not. Every day is a challenge on some level. Today, I woke up and my power was still out because of a wind storm yesterday. I was cold, tired from waking up repeatedly because i was cold, emotional because of today's anniversary and while what I really wanted was to have a message saying I love you, I had one that felt harsh...harsher than it really was but a tired me is a vulnerable me. I'm not going to lie. I laid on the couch for an hour and just cried. The world felt like it was just too much for me. Just thinking about it has me in tears again. This morning I relived the loss of everything that mattered to me and it's still in my head... but I got up, changed into jeans, and drove to someplace warm that had outlets so I could recharge things in case there's still no power when I get home tonight.

Five years is a long time, but it isn't forever and today I'm a little bit stronger than I was then. Today, I got up off the couch. Today, I walked out my front door. Today, I wrote this. Tomorrow, I will write more. Two years from now, I will make a final decision on where I'm moving to and hopefully, I will have the courage to do it. I know where I want to be at that point. It's not just up to me though, but today, under the fear and the emotions, there is hope.



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Edit: This was written a week ago, but for reasons..yes, reasons...I waited until today to post it.



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Yep. 40. In a mere 13 days, I will be arriving at that major milestone in my life. As with any birthday that ends in zero, it's caused me to be introspective and to look at where my life is, where my life was, and where I'd like my life to go. Then, because I so rarely post here as much as I would like, I decided to share it with you. After all, it was that or do more than pretend to watch one of my least favorite iCarly episodes with the boys. This way, I can be in the room, hanging out with them, but don't have to focus on it. Yay for having teenagers that like you around but don't care if you're watching the show with them!

So...40. Ben tells me that reaching 40 is a major life accomplishment. He didn't expand upon that, but looking back on my life and where I've been, I can't argue with him. There have been times in my life that I wanted nothing more than to no longer be on this planet, but somehow (and with the love and support of some amazing people), here I still am. Do I regret those feelings? No because fighting to get past them is part of what's made me who I am today.

Life hasn't always been grand, but I don't want to dwell on a lot of it. For that you'll have to buy my book. *grins* So let's just talk about birthdays. I don't remember having a birthday party after maybe my 13th. My birthday just kind of became a non thing. After I got married, even my husband didn't give it much attention. If I had a cake, it was because I made it. He'd tell me to go buy something for myself. As the years went on, I felt less and less like I mattered to anyone. It didn't get any better after the divorce.  For my 30th birthday, I was raped. For my 35th, someone decided to throw me a birthday party that nobody came to. After that, I tried to make plans with friends so that I wouldn't be alone but every year for the past 4 years, I've made plans and people have bailed on me.

This year was going to be different. Last year I said that I was going to spend my 40th in England, surrounded by friends. It didn't happen because financially the kids needed those funds for various things. Then, I made tentative plans with someone really special and awesome. Sadly, circumstances have made that impossible.

So where does that leave me? Well, that depends upon how you look at things. Let's look at a couple of scenarios:

1) I turn 40. I spend the entire day alone until it's time to go into town for the football game. At the game, I sit in the stands alone. After the game, I chaperone the dance where I stand alone against a wall and just feel generally miserable. I've had this birthday before. It pretty much sucks.

2) I still turn 40. I don't think I'm going to avoid that. I spend the day doing something I love, like learning or writing or talking with any friends who may be around online. I go to the game and enjoy watching Ben on the sidelines and Roger on the field with the band. Afterwards, we skip the dance, come home and hang out for a while. Then, we take the rest of the weekend and just have fun (except for any homework that needs doing).

In the end, it's about attitude. It's about my attitude towards the day. I could look at 40 and sigh and say life is half over or I could smile and say hey, I have half a life to go, what should I do with it? It's all up to me. I know that option 1 will be what my programmed mind will want to veer towards. My mean brain will tell me that nobody cares enough about me to come and spend my birthday with me, that if people loved me that they'd make a big deal out of the day I was born, that cards and gifts somehow show my self worth. None of that is true, but I've been programmed to believe those things. The bonus of being human and not a computer? I can retrain myself. I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So, that's what I'm going to be working on...that and planning what awesome shenanigans I can get up to in my 40th year! Keep your eyes open for the annual birthday post with my hopes and plans for the upcoming year!

Oh...and if you wanted to get me something, ocd me created an Amazon wishlist specifically just for my birthday. Don't worry. If you don't, I'm not going to take it personally because y'all show me you love me every time I post anything here and you stop by to read. Let's create another year of amazingness because after all 40 is going to be the new me!



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I don't know how many people read my post earlier today, but this is a follow up to that. What I wrote earlier was based purely on anxiety and emotion and was logical in its own way, but not in the way it should have been.

I want to start out this post by thanking people for either giving me hugs, coming up with options, reminding me of legalities, or in the case of one just plain telling me that I was wrong.

Was I wrong? Not entirely. Like I said, there was some logic in how I was thinking. I really do love it here and don't want to lose this house because of my own hoarding issues. I'm also proud of me that I know that I deserve to live in a house that has things like hot water, something most of us take for granted these days.

Was I right? Not entirely. I never should have let the anxiety take over. I should have taken a deep breath, looked around at the work I had already accomplished, created a plan to deal with the rest and then contacted the owner of the house. I have a problem with overreacting before thinking clearly. I usually come around to the right side, but it's not always my first response to something. On top of that, I'm still forgiving myself for things getting how they were. So my instinct was to go into a mode where I felt ashamed and didn't want to let anyone in.

Nick was right. I was letting the anxiety make decisions for me and that isn't me taking care of myself. It's not me standing up for myself, even to myself.  I guess I'm still learning. I've come a long way but the journey isn't over and I know that I'm blessed to have someone who is willing to say hey, you're wrong. Even if it makes me defensive, it usually makes me stop and think too..because who likes being wrong?

So what's next? An email will be going out to the owner of the house about the water heater. She's always been good about getting things fixed when I let her know something was wrong. I need to keep working on shutting down the anxiety I feel about being on a month to month lease. I know we've been good about paying rent on time, we're rarely a problem and it is her responsibility to make sure the house is in livable condition.

After that? Well, I've started tackling the dining alcove. Who knows, maybe by the end of the weekend, it will be complete and the boys and I can sit at the table again to eat and play games. Won't that be a lovely thing? For now though, I have about 30 minutes before I have to go pick up the boys and I don't have a shopping list yet! Time to create one!




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The plumber came. The plumber went. Nothing is repaired. Why? Because it's worse than anyone realized. Someone installed shoddy plumbing and pipes need to replaced. The good news is that it's only for the kitchen drain, not the whole house. The water heater wouldn't light and the gentleman who came out only does line snaking. The furnace and water heater vent together and the vent is rusting out. The water heater is ancient...and on and on it goes..

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm currently sitting on my couch with tears running down my face. Not because any of this is impossible to get fixed, but because I worked so hard to get the house to a place where I could let someone come in to fix these things and nothing got fixed. On top of that, I posted my frustrations to Facebook and while I'm thrilled that a few people jumped in to remind me of leases and laws, I feel a bit as if I'm being lectured as if I don't know that I ought to contact my landlord when something breaks...I do know..but I haven't and I won't. At least right now, I won't. I can't.

You see, I'm a hoarder. Remember? Maybe my landlord can't remove me because an ancient water heater breaks, but she can if she doesn't feel as if I'm caring for the property and having to wade into a room isn't caring for anything. I've worked really hard these past few months and I have four rooms that are functional spaces (except for what's broken). That's huge progress and I'm proud of it..but it's not enough. If I call them and tell them there are problems, they'll send someone out...that someone could be a spy for them. I know that sounds paranoid, but it's happened before. Until this downstairs is 100% , I cannot let them in here.

And it's hard...it's so damn hard. Everyone is acting as if I can't take care of myself, as if I'm not taking care of myself and they don't understand. I'm trying to protect myself. I'm trying to fix things. I'm trying to undo years and years of trauma and habits to reclaim my world, to make things better. This isn't about the fact that I don't know the owner should handle these repairs. This isn't about me not knowing my rights as a tenant. This is about me. It's about me trying to fix me. It's about me having the space to do those things and I can't do that if I'm sitting here worrying that someone might report back to her that the place is a disaster. The bipolar brain looooves obsessive thoughts, after all.

So yes, if me paying a plumber god knows what to replace a section of pipe will buy me some peace of mind then I'm going to do it. Is it going to frustrate me that some owner in the past 100 years went with cheap fixes instead of proper repairs? Hell yes it is. I hate half assed done things. Are there going to be tears? Yep. Sometimes I just need to cry out the frustration and the feelings of being ashamed so that I can reset and go on to tackle the next thing.

I say this to remind myself ....I can do this. I am doing this. I am being the change I need within my own world and if people don't understand, all I can do is try to help them to. I know people think I'm crazy (and I am..it's been certified, check my medical records), but this is what I need to do for me. Who knows...maybe I'll whip through these last 2 downstairs spaces and then be comfortable contacting the owner. Maybe I won't. I need to do this in my time to prevent setbacks.

I'm working hard at this and what I need is for people to try to be understanding that if I don't do things the "normal" way, there's probably a reason for it. I haven't been as public about some of my issues as I have about others, but one by one, I'm knocking down mountains and support is always appreciated. Remember those goals that I posted yesterday? Today is another day to chip away at them.



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When I wrote the other day, I mentioned "people hoarding" in passing towards the end. I'm back here again to write about that because it's been on my mind ever since it came up in conversation with Justin. So, here we go...this isn't going to be pretty, but as always, it's going to be me...

Sometimes in life, you have a light bulb moment and with people who have things like ocd, for them to make progress, that has to happen. Justin and I were talking the other night...okay, he was talking, I was...what's the word..venting? ranting? I was pouring everything out that had been stuck inside my head. One of the things I said was that I don't know why I even keep certain people in my world...and he agreed with me. Neither of us was sure why I kept people around, even those who had been horrible to me. Then, there was the light bulb. I keep people around for the same reason I keep stuff around. It's a security blanket. I'm afraid that if I cut them loose, it means that I've given up on them and I've had people give up on me and know how painful that can be.

It's more than that though. I'm afraid that if I cut them loose, others may leave and soon, I'll be completely alone. Is that rational? Heck no. Is it a pretty typical thought pattern for someone with anxiety and other issues? Heck yes. We worry that we're such a burden that everyone is going to leave..we're just too much work to be friends with, to love.

With any light bulb moment comes a decision. Do I stay in this pattern or do I try to break it? Today, I'm going to work on breaking it. It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt. With each person, I'm going to mourn what we had and that they chose to not have that. I'm going to list those people here, not out of some sense of revenge, but as a reminder to me of what these people did. In a way, it will be me saying goodbye to them...and as I finish each person, I'll be removing them from my social media and other accounts...It's time to move on with those who truly love and care about me.

Zac - Cheated on his girlfriend with me (I had no idea he was with someone). A few years later, our paths crossed again and he talked about having a relationship with me. Instead, he lied to mutual friends about me, tried to create drama, and then when something happened within the group, allowed his girlfriend who didn't know me to threaten my life.

Brian - Became an incredibly close friend, asked me out and then started dating his best friend that I didn't care for. The problem was that he just stopped talking to me and I had to find this out through a mutual friend. I was okay with him dating her but the fact that he refuses to talk to me tells me that our friendship wasn't all that important to him.

Dawn - Yes, as in my mother. The list of things she's done is too long to mention. Let's just say that her latest childish behavior has pushed me to go past avoidance to just plain removing.

Mark - Yes, my father. He's had a lot of years to make an attempt at being part of my life and instead is just on the drama train with the rest of them. No thanks.

Jim - Someone I considered one of my closest friends. So close that I gave him my grandfather's pen set the last time we exchanged Christmas gifts. Then, he got a girlfriend, got a new grasp on religion and suddenly I no longer existed in his world. He stopped responding to all messages, didn't return phone calls and when a mutual friend died didn't even call me...even when I left a sobbing message on his voice mail.

Other Family - There are a few other family members on my friends list on Facebook and there's really no reason for them to be. I have no relationship with them and due to circumstances, have no real desire to.

That's it for now...I know others will come to mind over time and I hope I have the strength to say goodbye and to move on. Just like surrounding myself with trash and stuff isn't good for my physical or mental health, neither is having these beacons of negativity around. They're constant reminders of people who made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. Even though it's hard, it's time to tell myself that I deserve only the best people in my life, not those who would hurt me without a second thought.

I'm not going to lie to any of you and say that this is easy. My anxiety levels are high and there's that little voice saying, "What if these were the best people you could get?" and "What if there's some kind of fallout from this?"  I'm not listening though. I'm hearing, but I'm not listening. I know for a fact that I have some amazing people in my world already so the first is nonsense. As for the second, I'm fairly certain that none of the people listed above will even notice.



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Far too many people in contemporary culture feel they don't have enough time to "get it all done." The stress of this chronic overwhelm creates a disorganized mind that leads to a chaotic life. Based on her highly acclaimed "Energy Management" workshops, and drawn from over 25 years of counseling and coaching experience, professional trainer and speaker Jackie Woodside shares her breakthrough methods that lead to becoming the least stressed, most productive person you know!
In Calming the Chaos, you will learn the step-by-step skills and thought processes that lead to increased productivity and peace of mind. Jackie's approach stems from the new frontier of human performance called energetic consciousness. Part philosophy, part psychology, fully practical application, you will learn:
- Why there is no such thing as time management and what to do instead.- How to manage your energy instead of your time and stress.- The three-step formula for managing every component of your life for the rest of your life!- Why "to-do lists" are a set up for failure and what really works.- "The Three Strikes Rule" that will end procrastination for good!- How to always know that you have the time for what you want and need to do!
Many books promise to change your life. Applying these principles will make this a reality!

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Another book for the bin of books I will come back to time and time again! Honestly, this is just one of those books that you have to pick up and read for yourself to truly understand just how great it really is. There are so many principals in it that I intend on applying to my own life and so many that I already have. I love the fact that she does say that clutter in the home is clutter in the mind. It's something that I've said for years and years and that I am now very solidly applying to my own life. I always thrive in clutter free zones and it's good to see that when I came up with the theory that a cluttered home often equals a cluttered mind, I wasn't crazy.

So, kudos to the author for agreeing with me...lol! Also, tons of love goes out to her writing for being such an easy, down to earth read. The personal stories were not only easy to relate to, but often immensely helpful. Like I said, this book will be in my basket of books that I come back to time and time again.



I received a copy of this book for the purpose of this review.  All thoughts, comments, and opinions are my own.
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It's actually been close to seven weeks since my birthday, but for one reason or another...or one excuse or another, I never sat down to write this post. Now, I am..it's time to recap, recover and roll out the goals for the coming year.

I'm happy to say that this past year brought no physical deaths to my doorstep. Sadly, it did bring the deaths of some friendships. As life changes, it seems that sometimes people do too. People move on and I'm learning to deal with the aftermath of that. I won't say it's been easy, but it's not knocked me down as hard as it may have in the past.

There have been good things, as well. Both of my boys are happy and healthy. Ben is up in high school now and though he's struggling with the amount of work and how not to become overwhelmed, he's doing well. He was even the girls' swim team manager, which I know that he loved. Roger is busy being Roger. He's a straight A student, was on the football team and is now doing basketball. Did I mention he's in band and jazz band, as well? As a mom, I do a lot of running around these days. While it can be exhausting, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

One of the not so great things that has happened has happened with me. I've really struggled with the bipolar side of things over the past year or so. I'm on new medication now so I'm really hoping that it helps. While I've come to terms that this is something I will always have to deal with, I haven't done so well in setting up routines and such to help keep the house functional. If I'm honest, the house is in pretty rotten shape right now. It's not as bad as it has been, but it needs to be a lot better.

Which brings us to the list...This year's goals:

Outside of the House:
1. Clear out all of the flower beds - They're overgrown and some even have trees in them!
2. Finish spray painting the tires and get new roses planted in them.
3. Clear the front porch and make it look inviting.
4. Paint the front door - It's time to give this house some character.
5. Finish clearing the back deck.
6. Get the front porch roof repaired/replaced. - This is a job for the owners and may include the entire roof.
7. Create a third composter for all of the after garden soil.
8. Complete barn re-organization.
9. Clear out any trash that has blown/been dragged under the front porch.
10. Get cable re-hooked up to the barn.
11. Clear out pile of rubble from in front of barn.

Inside of the House:
1. Replace living room flooring.
2. Complete wall redecorating (clean, new shelving, organizing, purging)
3. Complete living room redecorating (clean, paint, organizing, purging)
4. Get everything hung up in boys' room.
5. Complete master bedroom redecorating (clean, paint, organizing, purging, light repaired)
6. Purge until we're only surrounded by the things we need and the things we love.
7. Get dryer repaired - owner job
8. Get water repaired - owner job
9. Get heating repaired - owner job
10. Get living room ceiling repaired - owner job
11. Maintain what I've already accomplished.

In Life:
1. Continue to build up the websites, this one and Geek-o-Rama
2. Focus on true friendships ...quality over quantity
3. Travel
4. Spend as much time with the boys, doing things we love.
5. Learn Irish (again) on my own.
6. Take time for me.
7. Take care of me - mental health and physical health
8. Work on finding more writing and editing jobs.
9. Remember what's really important in life.
10. Build routines to help manage life.
11. Be someone that I can be proud of, no matter what others may think.

Whew..that's some list but instead of being overwhelmed or intimidated, I'm excited to see it down in writing. Now, to pick an area and get to work!



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It's been a long time since I wrote about anything personal here. I bet some of you have noticed that. Others of you may just be used to coming here for book reviews. Tonight though, I write about myself and my life and I hope that you'll read it with as much love as you do my other posts.
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I love quotes. Even on my worst days, it's not uncommon to find me looking for new quotes on a variety of subjects. Tonight, I came across the one posted in the graphic and it made me stop and think about my life and my daily struggles. It was just about 14 months ago that I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. Let me tell you that those words brought the strongest combination of fear and relief that I think I've had since Ben was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.  I finally had a name for what I was going through. With a name, maybe I could find a battle strategy..

Battle..seems like a word that's saved for things like cancer, doesn't it? I guess I was just gung ho about reclaiming my life from something that had been stealing it from me. It took me nearly a year to come to terms with the fact that it would never go away. There is no cure. It is and always will be a part of my regular life. It's taken a year, but slowly I'm taking back my life.

For the first time in probably about four years, my kitchen is nearly scrubbed back to immaculate. My bathroom and laundry room are both about 15-20 minutes away from company ready. My living room is still cluttered, but I'm making progress on it. If you remember, hoarding tendencies came along for the ride so the fact that you can easily navigate the downstairs is a huge deal.

Is life perfect? Oh goodness no, but it's so much better than it was. I've accepted that daily medication is going to be a part of my life for a long time, if not forever. Yes, there will be time when we have to adjust it and yes, the weight that it's helped me to put on will be a fight to get off. However, neither of those things are end of the world things for me anymore. I can accept them, take a deep breath and get back to my life of being a mother, a writer and an editor.

Want to know the best part? I'm feeling strong enough these days that I've reached out to a friend in the blogging world about getting back into writing. I've also reached out to someone in the comic industry about potentially doing some show travelling this next year. Who knows...I might even start getting a small income to help us catch up and get ahead again!



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I don't write much here anymore. Sure, I try to keep it filled with book reviews and if I'm honest, most of the time, I miss writing. Writing is a part of my soul, but it's been a part that I've had to put on the back burner while I dealt with other things. Then, something happened...and it opened my eyes just a little bit wider..

You see, I just returned from spending a week in Canada with one of the most amazing people that I know. I know that I've mentioned him here before. His name is Rob and we've been friends for something like seven years now.  Sometimes it feels like I've known him a blink of an eye and others for a lifetime. He's just one of those people who came into my life and it was as if there was a perfect Rob shaped space that he slid right into. In all that's happened, there has been a comfort knowing that whatever happens, he's in my life for good. I can't imagine us not knowing each other.

Now, before I gush on too much and make y'all think that I'm in love with the man or that we've secretly snuck off to the Canadian version of Vegas (is there such a thing?), let me just say that he really is one of my best friends and if I take sneaky pictures of his backside, that's my business. *grins* Seriously though. Rob is amazing. For starters, he has lost an entire person over the course of the past year or so. I cannot begin to tell you how proud of him I am. He looks seriously amazing and I can tell just how much it's helped his health and has bled into so many other areas of his life.  If that wasn't enough, he's also really taking control of his life and starting to live it for him and his children and nobody else. I've long said (and yes, said it to myself, as well) that you have to live for you before you can add in anyone else. Like me, he had that a bit reversed for a while. It's exciting to watch as he rediscovers aspects of himself.

Folks, that's just what I got to spend a week doing. I got to watch as he puttered around his new apartment, making it just how he wants it. He asked my opinion of where he had things stored and I couldn't help but smile as I told him that it was his place. It only had to work for him. I'd find things if I needed them. I got to listen as he talked about his struggles and yes, preened a bit over his accomplishments. It reminded me of how far I've come and how far I have yet to go. It inspired me. He inspired me.

So, here I am...back at the keyboard because I wanted to put all of this down into words. I'm not sure that I'm really doing it proper justice..just how much that time meant to me...but my heart knows and for once, my head is right on board with it. Every time a negative thought peeks its head in, I'm reminded of how he told me to take away the memories of a good weekend together..I remember and I smile. I'm also taking the inspiration and I'm using it. They may be tiny little things to the "average" person, but to me, they're steps in the right direction...

Since I've been home, I've:

• not left things sitting in the van to be dealt with later.
• stopped drinking most anything other than water.
• hauled out more bags of trash than I'm going to admit to here.
• gotten my new nightstands into place and organized them.
• flipped my mattress and put clean bedding on it.

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The holiday time are upon us again and I realize that it's been a long time since I wrote more than a book review for this site. It wasn't because I didn't want to but because I needed to focus on rebuilding my life. Finally receiving a diagnosis was merely the first steps in what will be a lifelong journey.

I'm on medication now and it helps. The ups and downs are still there but for the most part, I can ride them out and still be functional. Once I got used to taking the medication, I started building routines to help me get through the day and to get back on track. I've been thrown off a time or two, but the basic routine is still there and it's helping me get through. Every so often, I add back in a piece that has gotten lost.

I sat not only this website aside, but also Geekorama.net which was a tough decision but one that was necessary. It's just now, nearly 6 months later that I'm slowly coming back to both of them. Instead, I focused on spending time with the boys and on slowly reclaiming my home. In that time, I've lost track of how many trash bags have gone out and how much we've donated. This past weekend, we helped load up 5 trash bags of stuffed toys, a full box of books, a fan, a vacuum and a small bookshelf to go to a family who lost everything in a fire. There will be a lot more to go as I slowly work my way through our home. So far, there are only three rooms that have been seriously worked on. Our laundry room has been redone, the bathroom is done and the boys' room is in progress. All of those I'm struggling to maintain but they're better than they have been in years. I'm hoping that by May..a year after my diagnosis, I'll have the entire interior of our home done and then I can focus on the van and the barn.

All of this sounds good, right? I've been making progress. I can't argue with that. There has been some really good progress around here. Except in one area...finances. Financially, we're barely hanging on. We're behind on some bills and there's never any extra money for anything and it kills me. Whenever I think about money, I feel like a complete and total failure.

I know there are those who know me who judge me because I don't work. They point to the trips that I've taken for the website and make comments about how they wish they had someone paying the way. They comment how I'm an abled body person who just lives off of their ex-husband and the generosity of others. They comment and I bleed inside. I want so badly to shake them and scream they wouldn't take my life if they had the chance..a life without a special needs child who *needs* his mother to do homework with him as much as she can because without that extra help, he doesn't succeed at school..a life with a mental illness that can be downright crippling at times. It's not a life that many would choose if they looked beyond the surface to what was happening inside.

I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you how it is. My oldest son is 13 and in the 8th grade. He's one of the joys of my life and I wouldn't trade those after school homework sessions for anything. My heart breaks on the days when I don't have the gas money to go help him and he calls me crying because he doesn't know how to do something. I would give anything to find a magic cure to help things not be such a struggle for him. There is no magic cure other than a lot of hard work, hard work that both he and I and his father and his father's wife put in. He'll be joining Special Olympics soon for bowling and I don't care if I have to beg on the street, I will find a way to get him the hour drive to practices.

As for me, I'm still rebuilding and it's going to take a while. One thing that I've learned in this process is that I have to go slow. I have to add pieces back in slowly. It's like a tower of cards. If you move too quickly, the whole thing collapses and you have to start over. I wouldn't give this to anyone. It's a challenge that nobody in life should have to face, but to many of us do every single day. Am I physically able to work? Yes. Am I emotionally and psychologically able? Unlikely. Adding in something that huge right now would cause my house of cards to collapse.

Would I trade my life for another? No. I love my children and I love the world that we're building together. I am who I am but sometimes being who I am makes me feel like a total failure. These past few years have been miserably hard for me and for the boys and it was my hope that this year I could provide them with an amazing Christmas..tree, decorations, wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with family movie time and then just for once, really spoil them on Christmas morning. That isn't going to happen this year. Both of the editing jobs that I had agreed to take on for this month fell through and
money just isn't coming through the door. I have bills that are piling up and we're struggling. I try really hard not to compare my life to others, but when I see people saying how broke they are and yet they're going to the movies or fancy places, it's hard. Then, I remind myself that I can't see behind closed doors to know their life more than they can know mine.

“In fact, if you're wondering if I expect miracles---the answer is yes. Even when they don't seem to happen, I keep believing in them. Even when I stop believing in them, I'll always start again. Because if you don't have hope, what's left? I believe. And maybe they'll happen in a way I never saw coming--they usually do. Or maybe I'll find the way to make them happen myself. But ether way--I expect miracles.” Jennifer DeLucy



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Bonus Fact! This isn't me.

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I'm here..and I'm alive and that's a wonderful, wonderful thing. 2012 did it's best to knock me down but I'm happy to say that through it all, I managed to keep getting up. There were days and moments when I wasn't honestly sure that was going to be possible. Life has a knack of continuing to roll on even when you're begging it to stop, even for a moment, so that you can catch your breath.

I watched as those that I loved passed on whether in the sense of heaven or in the sense of they just no longer wanted to be a part of my life.I watched as those that I trusted and thought would be major parts of my support network proved themselves to be hypocrites. I watched as my own mental and then physical health deteriorated. It seemed just as I'd get one on an even keel, the other would dip. There were times when it felt like bailing water with a holey bucket. It was a rough year.

It wasn't all bad though. I also watched as my fledgling idea for a website grew into a reviewing "machine" with a staff of half a dozen people. I watched as my baby took his first steps into athletics and fell in love with football. I watched as my oldest took on new challenges. I watched as people that I barely knew rallied around me and held me up when I thought there was no chance I could stand. I watched as people that I've known for years suddenly appear back in my life just when I needed them. I got to experience more hugs, more laughs and more smiles. I got to experience more love.

Life is never all good or all bad. If you look, even in the worst times, there are sparks of goodness. I don't know what 2013 will bring. However, without a doubt, I know that there will be love and laughter. I know that my little site will grow or it won't, but that there are those working hard on it. I know that even in the bad times, there are those who have it so much worse than I do. I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I have friends who love me and who don't hesitate to tell me so.

I don't have resolutions. I'm not going to resolve to do something better. I'm simply going to be better. I'm going to be a better me. I'm going to focus on the good and on what I can control. I'm going to continue to simplify our lives and our home. I'm going to be healthier and I'm going to be happier. I'm going to love more openly. There will be those who will come and those who will go. Such is life. If they go, they will go knowing that I was thankful for them. I'm going to read more, relax more, laugh and learn with my children more. I'm going to try new things and I may fail. That's okay. If I fall, the floor will always be there to catch me and those who love me will always be there with a hand back up.


So here's to 2013..another year filled with opportunities and love. I hope all of you will join me on the journey.



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Yesterday, was my birthday. It's hard to believe that not only another year has gone by, but that so much can change in just that short amount of time. In the past year, I've lost friends and my grandma passed away.  I've gone through some really dark times. My world started caving in around me.

On the other side, I've gotten to know some really amazing people and I'm lucky enough to call some of them friends. I've been blessed to do some travelling to spend time with those friends. I've had friends who have stuck by me for years remind me that they're still there and willing to kick me in the ass when necessary. There's a certain bonus that comes with knowing people who won't feed you a line no matter how down you're feeling.

It is thanks to the amazing people in my life that I'm coming out of the dark period and into a new and far more fun period. They've pulled me, sometimes kicking and screaming along until I've remembered the good things about life. I'm a much stronger person than I was a year ago and perhaps it's because of the bad times but it's also because of the support that I had through those times.

The year ahead may hold some more tough times, but I'm more prepared for them. I have goals and that's a great first start for me. I already showed you the start of the barn project. I've actually done a bit more out there and it's coming along nicely. It's just the start in a long line of goals that I want to share with all of you...this isn't a new years resolution kind of thing, but more a list of what I know I can do and what I want to do before my birthday rolls around next year.

Outside of the house:
1. Clear out all of the flower beds - They're all overrun and it's time to give them a fresh start.
2. Build up the flower beds again. - The rails on them have fallen down and it just looks a mess.
3. Put in a small vegetable garden. - A couple of the flower beds would be great for that.
4. Clip the bushes into shape. - I dislike these things but unless we buy the house, they have to stay. There's no reason they can't look semi-decent though.
5. Clear the front porch. - It still has things on it that need to be put away.
6. Get the front porch roof repaired/replaced. - This will be a job for the owners.
7. Clear out the trash from under the front porch. - Not mine but it looks a mess.
8. Put in a new compost bin & area.
9. Complete barn re-organization
10. Clean out the van.
11. Get cable rehooked up to barn.

Inside the house:
1. Replace bathroom flooring.
2. Complete kitchen redecorating (clean, paint, flooring, cupboard organizing)
3. Complete wall redecorating (clean, new shelving, organizing)
4. Complete living room redecorating (clean, paint, new shelving, area rug?)
5. Get desks & hope chest into house.
6. Repaint boys bedroom.
7. Repaint master bedroom & get light repaired.
8. Empty out laundry room and put new flooring in.
9. Purge until we're only surrounded by the things we need and the things we love.
10. Get dryer repaired. - Owner job.
11. Get plumbing repaired. - Owner job.

In life:
1. Continue to build up my websites, including the new baby of the family, Geek-o-Rama
2. Continue to build up my friendships.
3. Travel.
4. Spend as much time with the boys, doing things we love.
5. Learn Spanish (again) with Ben.
6. Learn Irish (again) on my own.
7. Continue to do what makes me happy even if it doesn't make everyone else happy.

I think that's a pretty good list for the upcoming year. Maybe from time to time, I'll revisit this and cross things off as I get them accomplished. I'm eager to see what the next year has in store.



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Hello 2012 and all my incredibly wonderful readers out there! I've been pondering this post all day and what I wanted to say in it. What did I want to say to all of you about 2011? In the end, I decided I didn't want to say much. 2011 was a year of ups and downs and a lot of chaos and anxiety. It brought the failing health of my grandmother and right at the end of the year, surgery for my oldest son. Instead of looking back at the pain, I want to look forward. Hope is an amazing thing and it's something I'm grasping tight to as I look forward to the coming year.

After all, knowing where you came from is one thing but knowing where you're going is an entirely different creature. But, before I get into all of that, I want to share with you a toast that was posted today by Raven on his Facebook page. I could have said this but why re-invent the wheel when someone so darn fantastic already did it for you? So...I offer you Raven's Toast to 2012:



I honestly couldn't have said it better myself and sometimes, even I consider myself fairly gifted with words. Now, on to 2012:

If any of you remember, last year was supposed to be about simplifying my life. I started out the year with a bang and then chaos happened and woah, did I drop the ball! This year, I try again. I try again for me. I try again for my family. I try again because I deserve better than I've allowed myself to have up to this point.

You see, somewhere along the way, I decided that I didn't deserve to have nice things. I didn't deserve to have the kind of friends who would do anything for you. I didn't deserve to have nice furniture or even a clean and organized house. Those of you who really know me have to be shaking your head at the last one. I'm the girl that other people call to come over because they know I'll jump into any organization project with a gleeful smile and more excitement than anyone should ever have. So, why have I not given myself that same gift within my own home?

I don't honestly know. Even to me, the girl with the Psych degree, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I can explain the packrat/border line hoarding. I can explain a lot of things, but this total insanity of I don't deserve the nice things other have? Nope..don't get it. Ok, I do get it. For a very long time, I felt really bad about me. Not just for me, but about me. I thought I'd gotten past most of that but every once in a while I have a lightbulb moment where I go ding ding ding (ever hear a light bulb with a bicycle bell? me either..but roll with it, ok?) and realize that woah, I'm having a majorly insecure moment or woah, I guess I'm not as past all that as I thought. This has been one of those times.

So, I'm repeating last year's goal and that's ok. I don't look at it as any kind of failure. I look at it as life got the hell in the way and sometimes that's what happens. Life happens. I didn't do the best I could with it, but I did the best I did and it's a new year and a new chance to make it happen. Over the next week, I'm going to try to make a plan...a simple plan. Nothing complex. Just simple. One day at a time, one project at a time and sometimes, one schedule at a time, I'm going to size down our home. I'm going to get the organization projects tackled. I'm going to do the gross jobs and the fun jobs and teach my boys that it can be done.

Sometimes life knocks you down but what happens afterward is what matters. You do what you have to do and what I have to do is start feeling more in control of things. I've been letting things spiral and it's not healthy for any of us. So, consider me back as much as I can be back. I'm hoping to pick up some of our daily themes. We might not get them every week, but I'm going to try to be here a bit every week. Hopefully it's as good for you as it is for me. Before I head out though, I want to leave you with 2 quotes...

"Simplicity is about subtracting the obvious and adding the meaningful." - John Meade


That's just what I want to do. I want to subtract the obvious..seriously obvious..like the books we never even look at and add in the meaningful. I close my eyes and see a home filled with warmth and love and the space we need to be able to do things as a family. To get that, I need to subtract so I can add in those things.

And finally...





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I don't know if you can see that tiny print over there on the left, but it says simplify. If you remember back, this was my theme for the year and while I've played with it some, I haven't really taken it seriously until recently.

What changed? I think part of it was a book that I read recently. In fact, if you were here yesterday, you saw the review that I wrote for it. It really got me thinking about how the boys and I are living our lives and what, as a parent, I'm teaching them.  Then, came the conversation with Roger (age 10) as he dramatically flopped across my bed one afternoon. The first words out of his mouth? "Mom, I'm bored." I thought, how could this kid be bored? There are 2 video game systems, hundreds of books, board games and toys in this house. There's a backyard to run around in. Then, it hit me. He's not bored. He's overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices he has.

So, we're making changes. One of the first changes has to do with computer time. Starting today, the boys are now limited to 3 hours each every day. I know this sounds like a lot and it is a lot. However, I'm weaning them off. Prior to today, the pair of them would probably spend twice that playing on the computer. Now, that's being cut in half which is a pretty heft change for two kids.

What's next? Well, today, instead of sitting online or watching tv, we're going to the lake. There's a nice (supposedly) beach about 20 minutes from here. After lunch, we're packing up and we're going to go check it out. We're going to play in the water for a few hours and then, after a quick stop to pick up some new shelving (thank you, Craig's List!) for our laundry room, we'll be home and spend the evening relaxing together.

That's something else that is changing for me. For a while now, I've been in full envy mode. I've envied other people's "perfect" houses and the nice items that they had. Now, I'm shaking my head at myself. I may not have the nicest items in the world, but I do have what's most important. I have my boys. I have a man who loves me and puts up with all of my silliness. I don't need new dishes. There is nothing wrong with the dishes that I do have. Of course, I also don't need the giant pile of towels that I discovered we had once we caught up on laundry. So, I'm passing a big bag of those on to some friends who do need them.

It's about simplicity. It's about getting back to basics. It's about setting goals for our family and achieving them. For the first time ever, my boys have a daily chore list. It's amazing how much we're getting done around the house.  Each night, I write the boys out a list of 6-9 things that they need to get done the following day. I place it on the table outside of their bedroom door and each day, they find it, do the items and cross them off of their list. Seeing those lines gives them a real sense of accomplishment and it's teaching them to be more responsible.  Already, I've noticed that they're picking things up when they're done so that they don't have to do a big clean up later.

Getting back to basics is a good thing and I honestly feel blessed that as we downsize, we can give things to those who need them. I'm passing towels and bedding onto Lindy and Paulie. I'm passing on a box of girls' books to my friend Lauren and her soon to be step-daughters. I know that Freecycle is going to get a few boxes of items very soon. As we have less, we feel as if we have more. It's a really good feeling.



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After my last post, my heart has been hurting and my mind has been spinning. I had the opportunity to talk with Graham and I'm glad that I did. We've both realized that time is a blessing and if we don't take our chances now, the chance might not be there later. So, I've been thinking...What do I want to do with my life?

For the first time ever, I'm going to put it down into writing. What it is that I want to do with my life right now. Consider this to be a bit like What I See Myself Doing in 5 Years. Did anyone besides me hate those essays in school? Even then, I didn't have the first clue what I wanted to do with my life. Well, after a lot of thought, I have some idea and I want to share it with you. I'm going to put it out into the universe and see how it feels.

1. I want to write. I've spent major portions of my life writing and it's something that I love to do. I actually started a book. I want to pull that out and start typing it up and adding to it. I want to share things with the world. More than that, I want to write for a website. Specifically, I want to write and work for 5MinutesForMom.com. There, I said it. I don't believe that it's any great secret, but for the first time, I've made it a declarative statement and not a joking one.

2. I want to teach. I don't think that this one will surprise very many people either. I don't want to get a degree in it. I want to teach at conferences. I want to share what I know.

3. I want to learn to bootblack. I know that this seems totally random but those closest to me will understand that it's not.

4. I want to get back on air. I don't want to do a daily show anymore but I do miss dj'ing and I want to sign on and do a show from time to time. More than just music, I would love to incorporate an advice segment.

5. I want to be more open and transparent. For a variety of reasons, I have hidden certain aspects of my life and I no longer have a desire to do so. I don't know that it's possible right now to be 100% transparent but I would like to work towards that goal.

6. I want to travel. I want to attend conferences. I want to attend events, both in the more hidden aspects of my life and the more public ones. I would love to see me combine 2, 3 and 6 and/or various aspects of those.

7. I want to learn Irish. I started and stopped and keep making excuses for why I haven't picked it up again.

8. I want to be me. I'm pretty good at it and it's time that I let other people see that I'm good at it too. I have talents and abilities and it's time to share those with the world.

When I grow up, I want to do all of these things. Step 1 is done. I've put them down into writing. I've shared them with all of you. Now, it's up to me to put them into action. It's time to stop wasting my talents and my abilities and to use them. Time is a precious gift and I've been squandering it, assuming there will always be a tomorrow. My friends, sometimes tomorrow doesn't come and so we have to appreciate and live now.



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I love this graphic. I wish I could remember where it came from. It has my favorite flowers and my theme for 2011. For the past few years, I've heard about Ali Edward's One Little Word Project.  In fact, for the past couple of years, I've actually chosen a word. The problem is, after a couple of months, I've gone and forgotten the word! Tonight, while reading over at Forever Daisies, I realized what the problem was. They were all good words and good goals, but I made it far too complicated. So, this year, I've decided to go simple. Just like the lovely Kimberly, over at Forever Daisies, I've chosen Simple for my word.

I really believe that my life has gotten far too complicated over the years. I've become more and more reliant on technology and less focused on the things that really are goals I've had for years. I spend far too much time sitting online and not nearly enough creating wonderful things. I have collected far more things than I need.

Now, I can't say I've spent more money than I should because let's face it, there's just no money there to spend. I don't have a credit card and the little bit of money that I do bring in just covers my bills. The bit that I occasionally make here on the blog quite often goes to other things that pop up. However, that doesn't mean that I can't look for other ways to save money. Honestly, I should have been doing that ages ago. So, I'm going to work more on finding new ways to save money and I'm going to try to share those with my readers.
In fact, I would love it if people could post their tips here in the comments. I can them combine them all into a post and share them with everyone.

Simple. It's not only going to be my word, but my lifestyle goal for this coming year. It's going to mean more purging and maybe some tough decisions, but I believe I'll be a happier woman for it.



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