Unknown Source

It's been a while since I've had a night where I felt so downright lost and inconsequential. Quite often, I can pinpoint the reason why but tonight it was just suddenly there.

I popped into the incredibly talented Kate Finnegan's livestream to watch her color for an upcoming cover for Big Dog Ink's Oz. Usually when I pop into these things I just sit and watch in amazement as she works. Of course, if you know me, you also know that I'm an active participant in the chat portion. Heck, I've been doing chat rooms for so many years that it's near impossible for me to sit quiet in one.

Everything was fine. Kate was working away and suddenly it hit me. I was sitting in a chat room full of mega talented comic book folk. Artists, colorists and writers were all right there in that room and through no one's fault, suddenly I felt like a nobody. I was surrounded by amazing talent and there I was. I didn't belong with them. I watched as back and forth they went, supporting one another, telling each other how great they all were and more and more I thought, why am I in here? I don't belong here. I don't have any kind of skill that I could offer them.

You see, lately, I've feel feeling ...unfulfilled? Unimportant? I don't know. I know it's a flaw of my own to need to feel like I'm important..that I'm changing lives..that I'm making a difference to someone..It's why I volunteer to research locations for people's drawings. It's why I'm willing to write reviews for free. Yes, I love the books I get, but they're digital and when it comes to comics, I want the physical copies and I have paid for every single one that I've liked enough to review.

So, here I was...in a room filled with amazing people and all I could hear inside my head was, why are you here? You're a nobody. You're just a blogger. If you vanished tomorrow, not one of these people would notice. You'd just be gone. I watched as amazing things happened to someone in that room and while I was thrilled for them, a part of me thought...See, that will never happen to you. You won't be the girl who goes to a convention, no matter the type, and have a job offered to them. You know others who that has happened to. You know someone who that happened to less than a week ago. That won't be you. You have nothing to offer these people. You have no skills.

Sometimes my brain has a big mouth that runs on for ages. I even posted about it to Facebook..and while the responses I got were sweet, they didn't touch on the real issue. What are these supposed skills that I have that are so valuable? Yes, people talk to me about all sorts of things and sometimes I know the right thing to say. What does that get me other than a lot of people who only want me around when they're having problems? Don't get me wrong, I have real friends but a lot of these people only seek me out during hard times. They're not there for my hard times and when mine come, they still only want to talk about themselves. Sometimes, I just need to talk about me.

I don't know where this all came from. It made me sad at myself for feeling this way. Not even Justin could get through it tonight. He actually told me that he's not allowed to tell me how great I am because I don't believe it anymore when he says it. Maybe he's right. Maybe I've somehow decided that unless I hear it from others too, it's not true. It's something to think about.

Want to know the saddest little bit about this whole thing? I actually offered my "skills" to Tom for $1 a day tonight. I know it read as a joke and it was a joke...kind of. I guess I'm tired of sitting on the outside of the world and looking in. I want to be a part of things. I want to be taken seriously. I'm tired of hearing oh, you're just a blogger, whether it's from my own brain or someone's lips or fingertips. I just want someone to come up to me one day and say you know what? You're an amazing and awesome person and I want you to be a part of the team.

For those of you who actually read all of this, thank you. I know that there won't be many comments left because people just don't leave many comments these days, but I do appreciate the eyes that come and read. I started writing in the hopes this would turn into another amazingly insightful piece but I think mostly, I just needed to write for me. I needed to purge some of this out of my system. Someone said tonight that I don't have any physical skills..and it's left me wondering, if I don't have those, what skills do I have?



"Big Dog Ink Official Artists Therapist..."

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You shouldn't tease a muse. I talked about mine hiding and pouting and it got its revenge. It decided to whisper in my ear at about 2 am.  I was mostly asleep and refused to get up and this is what it gave me instead.

The Dream-

I was on a cruise with Peter and the boys. We were on some island and Peter had hired a guide to take Ben around. Except, he couldn't get his card to work at any of the atms on the island. It was a shared card with Lindsaye (someone I am pretty sure he hasn't spoken to in years). I tried explaining to him that debit cards don't always work outside of the US but he didn't want to hear it. So, while he want from machine to machine, I pulled out cash and paid the guide.

Then, as dreams do, the dream shifted and I was laying in my backyard with Justin. It was the middle of the night and we were laying there, looking up at the stars. I was asking him if he thought anyone would notice the 3 elephants, 3 giraffes and 3 zebras that were lined up about 3 feet from us. Then, I looked over and the zebras were bowing while the elephants were raised up on their hind legs. Everything was silent but they were posed like this. I looked down the line to the balloon carriers. There were 3 of them as well, each holding a giant bundle of balloons. We must have dozed off because I woke up to the animals being gone and the balloon carriers slipping away in the dark. Justin and I decided we should go into the house because it might be weird if the neighbors caught us sleeping outside. So, we went inside and there were candles lit everywhere. I was a bit worried about this. After all, what if the house had burned down when we were outside. Justin just smile and shrugged and went to the kitchen to make something to eat while I stood in the living room, trying to figure this out.

Then, I was at a pool. I was assisting in teaching 4th graders. The odd part? Raven Gregory was the instructor. We worked together with some parents and pretty soon it was time for the kids to change and go back to school. I went into the locker room area and spoke to both the boys and girls (they were fully dressed!) about thanking Raven for his time (he was some sort of expert) and the kids all gave us hugs and filed out onto the bus.

There was more...and something good must have been about to happen because when the phone woke me up, I punched the bed in annoyance at being woken up...

See what happens when you ignore a muse? Your head gets filled with weird dreams and you don't get the restful sleep that you chose to begin with.



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After my last post, my heart has been hurting and my mind has been spinning. I had the opportunity to talk with Graham and I'm glad that I did. We've both realized that time is a blessing and if we don't take our chances now, the chance might not be there later. So, I've been thinking...What do I want to do with my life?

For the first time ever, I'm going to put it down into writing. What it is that I want to do with my life right now. Consider this to be a bit like What I See Myself Doing in 5 Years. Did anyone besides me hate those essays in school? Even then, I didn't have the first clue what I wanted to do with my life. Well, after a lot of thought, I have some idea and I want to share it with you. I'm going to put it out into the universe and see how it feels.

1. I want to write. I've spent major portions of my life writing and it's something that I love to do. I actually started a book. I want to pull that out and start typing it up and adding to it. I want to share things with the world. More than that, I want to write for a website. Specifically, I want to write and work for 5MinutesForMom.com. There, I said it. I don't believe that it's any great secret, but for the first time, I've made it a declarative statement and not a joking one.

2. I want to teach. I don't think that this one will surprise very many people either. I don't want to get a degree in it. I want to teach at conferences. I want to share what I know.

3. I want to learn to bootblack. I know that this seems totally random but those closest to me will understand that it's not.

4. I want to get back on air. I don't want to do a daily show anymore but I do miss dj'ing and I want to sign on and do a show from time to time. More than just music, I would love to incorporate an advice segment.

5. I want to be more open and transparent. For a variety of reasons, I have hidden certain aspects of my life and I no longer have a desire to do so. I don't know that it's possible right now to be 100% transparent but I would like to work towards that goal.

6. I want to travel. I want to attend conferences. I want to attend events, both in the more hidden aspects of my life and the more public ones. I would love to see me combine 2, 3 and 6 and/or various aspects of those.

7. I want to learn Irish. I started and stopped and keep making excuses for why I haven't picked it up again.

8. I want to be me. I'm pretty good at it and it's time that I let other people see that I'm good at it too. I have talents and abilities and it's time to share those with the world.

When I grow up, I want to do all of these things. Step 1 is done. I've put them down into writing. I've shared them with all of you. Now, it's up to me to put them into action. It's time to stop wasting my talents and my abilities and to use them. Time is a precious gift and I've been squandering it, assuming there will always be a tomorrow. My friends, sometimes tomorrow doesn't come and so we have to appreciate and live now.



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