Normally I would shrink down the images here to the "small" setting but I just can't with this one. I'm so incredibly proud of what that image represents that to shrink it would actually harm me. I'm sure you're thinking, yet again, that I'm a bit of a weirdo but that's okay. Let me explain what I mean...

That image is the cover to my very first book. Yep, I wrote a book. Okay, Nick wrote a book and then gave it to me and said it was mine now as much as it was his and to do what I wanted with it. So, after some serious nerves, I settled in and that's what I did. I tugged and tweaked, added a bit here, changed a bit there, and then gave it all back to him. He's taken it, formatted it, created this beautiful cover and is working on the publishing side of it.

When I first saw the cover yesterday, I nearly burst into tears because it's the fulfillment of a dream that I never thought would come true. It's one of those, if I were to die right now, I could die knowing that I did this. I was terrified, absolutely terrified, but I did this. I helped write a book and that's something I never thought I could do.

I can't remember a time in my life where I wasn't writing. By the time I was in middle school, I was writing poetry on a regular basis (and being envious of Kim Wisniewski because she got all the attention from classmates for hers) and it just grew from there. From the time my babies were in the womb, I told them stories. Still, it remained something private because like anything else I loved, I didn't think that I was any good at it. Years of being told I was stupid, useless, unwanted, lazy, etc had taken their toll and I rarely showed anyone anything that I wrote. Putting up my erotica pieces online helped with that a bit, but it didn't take long before people forgot that I even wrote them. I tried to be brave and followed a few people's advice and their belief that my writing was good and placed about half a dozen up on Amazon but in the 6 plus months that they've been up, I haven't sold enough for them to even send me a check.

Being a writer is hard. Being a writer who lacks confidence in her abilities can be crippling. When Nick asked me not once, but multiple times to work on this series with him, I thought he was crazy. It took him asking me multiple times over the course of a year for me to agree to work on it. I told myself that it didn't matter if I never finished, at least I would have stepped out of my comfort zone and tried. I had no idea how many areas of my world it would challenge me in.

If you were to look at the first five chapters, after my first pass at them, you wouldn't recognize me in them. In fact, I made an absolute mess of them. I spent those first five chapters fighting the anxieties that I would be a disaster at what I was doing, that Nick would see that I really couldn't write, and my dream of having my name on the cover would be destroyed. I can only imagine what Nick thought when I sent them to him. He never said anything though...simply I want to see more of you in this. He said that a lot as I worked through the 30 chapters that would become The Tether  - None Good. I want to see more of you in this. You can do this. You've got this. He wasn't overflowing with praise but every step of the way, I knew he believed in me. Knowing that saved me more than once as I fought my own shyness and nearly crippling anxieties to attend writing workshops and nanowrimo meetings.

The day I emailed him the final document, I so badly wanted him to be proud of me and to tell me that it was really good. I was proud of me. I don't often feel that way, but this time, I was proud of me. I'd overcome everything and maybe more of the words in the book were his than they were mine, but I'd had my "fingers" on every single one of them multiple times. This book truly is mine as much as it is his. It's my baby...my first and with someone I'm incredibly proud to be working with. Did he give me that praise? No, not really. He told me it was awesome work and asked about book two. That's him. Yep, good job, now let's start the next thing. He doesn't stop and he won't let me. I'm okay with that.

Then, yesterday and the cover...There it was. My name...and I was completely overcome with emotion. Sharing that image on Facebook and seeing him share it was like a dream. Then seeing people react and talk about how they want to read it, how they're just waiting to find out where/when..well, it just kept that high going. Every positive comment, every bit of encouragement and my insecure soul lapped it up. I had people offer to be beta readers and while I know that's not something we're likely to ever use, it felt really good to have people want to read it that badly. People believed in me and what I had done. They probably always have but I'm still insecure and worry. Nick will tell you that I worry far too much and need to shut off my big brain. He's right. I do and I do. It's a work in progress...

Then tonight something happened and I went from soaring high to crying in about 2 minutes.
Tomorrow I may see it as a silly little thing, but tonight it made me realize just how tenuous that pride and confidence about my writing really is. Suddenly I was questioning if I'd really messed something up and what if others read it and thought that it didn't work. Every horrible voice popped up in my head and suddenly I crashed.

Why am I telling you all of this instead of just saying omg, here's my book cover? Because I promised to be real with all of you. This book journey has had its highs and its lows and I wouldn't go back and change any of it. It's pushed me and I needed to be pushed. The past couple of days have shown me that I can do things, even if they're hard and scary. They've also shown me that I'm still pretty fragile in that oh my god I can do this department.  And you know what? That's okay. Life is a journey and each step forward is a good thing.

So, now that you've read through all of this...let me share with you the text that Nick included when he posted this image originally:

Yeah, I just had to show you again!

Something evil is stalking the streets of Baltimore, our only hope is the Keeper of the Tether - Sarah Taylor. The only problem, she doesn't want it and her only guide CT, the Grandson of the original Keeper wants it back. And there is a Demon, a Psychotic Killer and a secret society chasing them; all wanting the power of the Tether for their own nefarious plans. One bright spot, at least Sarah can summon an Angelic Guardian for protection, if she can figure out how to use the Tether. Watch the shadows as the battle for our reality is only just beginning...

The Tether - None Good is coming Easter 2017
written by Nick Davis of The Words & Art Of Nick Davis
And Katrina Roets of Katrina Roets - Author

Crazy, huh? That's me. That's my name. That's my little fan page. Of course, that's also Nick and Nick's fan page. I encourage you to like his. He does some really cool things. I think he also has a Kickstarter coming up so you'll want to be getting in on that if you can. Yeah, I know...I can't resist promoting someone else, but this someone else is pretty awesome. I promise I'm not just saying that because we have two more books to go or because I'm the editor on his other projects. He really is a great storyteller and talent. 

So what now? Well, now I take a few deep breathes and I get a firm grip on that feeling of excitement and pride that is still in there trying to fight past the anxiety and the fears. I take that and I smile because I did it. I did something I never thought I'd be able to do. Yep. Me. The girl/woman who was told she was stupid, that nobody would ever want her, that she wasn't any good at anything just proved every single jackass who ever spoke those words wrong, including myself. I did it. I helped write this book. I'll help write the next one and then I'm going to write the third one. Why? Because I can. I did which means I can.

As for all of you? Well, you keep your eyes and ears open for the official release date and the where to buy announcement.  I'll post it here, but if you want more regular book updates (I'm still getting used to this whole official author who needs updates thing), go hit like on my fan page. I post there about this far more often. Then, I hope that you'll try this book on for size and if you like it, let me know, write reviews, tell your friends, and maybe even buy book 2 when it's done and ready to go.

PS My next big dream is to have an actual book signing. Is that crazy or what?
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It's been a while since I've had a night where I felt so downright lost and inconsequential. Quite often, I can pinpoint the reason why but tonight it was just suddenly there.

I popped into the incredibly talented Kate Finnegan's livestream to watch her color for an upcoming cover for Big Dog Ink's Oz. Usually when I pop into these things I just sit and watch in amazement as she works. Of course, if you know me, you also know that I'm an active participant in the chat portion. Heck, I've been doing chat rooms for so many years that it's near impossible for me to sit quiet in one.

Everything was fine. Kate was working away and suddenly it hit me. I was sitting in a chat room full of mega talented comic book folk. Artists, colorists and writers were all right there in that room and through no one's fault, suddenly I felt like a nobody. I was surrounded by amazing talent and there I was. I didn't belong with them. I watched as back and forth they went, supporting one another, telling each other how great they all were and more and more I thought, why am I in here? I don't belong here. I don't have any kind of skill that I could offer them.

You see, lately, I've feel feeling ...unfulfilled? Unimportant? I don't know. I know it's a flaw of my own to need to feel like I'm important..that I'm changing lives..that I'm making a difference to someone..It's why I volunteer to research locations for people's drawings. It's why I'm willing to write reviews for free. Yes, I love the books I get, but they're digital and when it comes to comics, I want the physical copies and I have paid for every single one that I've liked enough to review.

So, here I was...in a room filled with amazing people and all I could hear inside my head was, why are you here? You're a nobody. You're just a blogger. If you vanished tomorrow, not one of these people would notice. You'd just be gone. I watched as amazing things happened to someone in that room and while I was thrilled for them, a part of me thought...See, that will never happen to you. You won't be the girl who goes to a convention, no matter the type, and have a job offered to them. You know others who that has happened to. You know someone who that happened to less than a week ago. That won't be you. You have nothing to offer these people. You have no skills.

Sometimes my brain has a big mouth that runs on for ages. I even posted about it to Facebook..and while the responses I got were sweet, they didn't touch on the real issue. What are these supposed skills that I have that are so valuable? Yes, people talk to me about all sorts of things and sometimes I know the right thing to say. What does that get me other than a lot of people who only want me around when they're having problems? Don't get me wrong, I have real friends but a lot of these people only seek me out during hard times. They're not there for my hard times and when mine come, they still only want to talk about themselves. Sometimes, I just need to talk about me.

I don't know where this all came from. It made me sad at myself for feeling this way. Not even Justin could get through it tonight. He actually told me that he's not allowed to tell me how great I am because I don't believe it anymore when he says it. Maybe he's right. Maybe I've somehow decided that unless I hear it from others too, it's not true. It's something to think about.

Want to know the saddest little bit about this whole thing? I actually offered my "skills" to Tom for $1 a day tonight. I know it read as a joke and it was a joke...kind of. I guess I'm tired of sitting on the outside of the world and looking in. I want to be a part of things. I want to be taken seriously. I'm tired of hearing oh, you're just a blogger, whether it's from my own brain or someone's lips or fingertips. I just want someone to come up to me one day and say you know what? You're an amazing and awesome person and I want you to be a part of the team.

For those of you who actually read all of this, thank you. I know that there won't be many comments left because people just don't leave many comments these days, but I do appreciate the eyes that come and read. I started writing in the hopes this would turn into another amazingly insightful piece but I think mostly, I just needed to write for me. I needed to purge some of this out of my system. Someone said tonight that I don't have any physical skills..and it's left me wondering, if I don't have those, what skills do I have?



"Big Dog Ink Official Artists Therapist..."

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