Last post I left off with the conversation that I had with myself on the drive home after a busy day. Today, I want to tell you about what happened after that....

I came to the conclusion that I think I knew all along. Once I cut away all the insecurity and all the garbage surrounding the truth, there it was waiting for me. It wasn't anyone's doubt in my abilities but my own. He didn't use me (or anyone else) because he didn't feel he needed to. He had the confidence in his work that I never seem to have in my own.

The review on Amazon for the book that I worked on with Nick was harsh but it was true. I didn't give the book the attention it needed on what should have been its second to last pass through. As I worked on the book, Nick repeatedly told me that it needed more of me in it and after taking the time to process the review, I think I finally understand what he meant. I tweaked his story but I didn't add to it. I didn't change it. It's still Nick's book with me making the most minor of changes, things that most people wouldn't even notice when reading it.

By the time I pulled into my driveway, I was completely calm and at peace with the situation. I had hope that no longer feeling the panicked anxiety that I had failed Nick on book 1 would allow me to get back to work on book 2. Wednesday is supposed to be my writing day, you see. It's the day that I have 3 hours set aside to do nothing but write. Except, that isn't what happened...

I looked at my bag where my writing notes live. I looked at the folder icon on my laptop. I did both these things but I couldn't go further than that. I was suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion. I decided that perhaps the time had come to lay down and explore these feelings and to try to get to the bottom of the situation. Except, the oddest thing happened...I laid down on the couch, stared up at the ceiling and started working my way through things. What was the cause of the anxiety? That part was easy...

1. I "failed" at book 1. While people seem to like it, I didn't do my job to the best of my abilities and I let Nick and myself down in that.

2. Book 2 is supposed to be far more me. Nick has made that clear when we've talked about it. This book isn't supposed to just be me tweaking. It's supposed to be me adding things to it, changing it, and when I finish this book, I'm supposed to write a third book all by myself. I'm terrified of book 3. I don't know that I can do it.

3. See author in quotes triggered my ptsd. It brought back every moment when I was told that I couldn't do something and/or wouldn't ever be anything.

Except, as I laid there, I wasn't feeling any of the anxiety. I was laying there, completely clear minded as I went over everything in my mind. Finally, I asked myself one question, telling myself that whatever my first answer would be would be what I trusted. I asked myself, "What are you supposed to do?" and without second thought, I answered "Write book 2." I had total peace and no insecurities, no indecision, just peace that this is what I was meant to do.

What does this mean? Well, it could be a few things...

1. The anxiety over working on the second book may not be true anxiety but something I've taught myself. The only way to get over it will be to force my way past it and to just pull out the notebook, to open the file and and do something. It won't be easy but it will be something I do.

2. I've acquired a form of ...numbness when it comes to this. This happens to me in high anxiety/stress situations. I don't realize just how badly things are affecting me until I have some sort of physical manifestation of the stress. This first started happening to me when I was 19. It's called conversion disorder and it's not much fun. For me, it's happened different ways...I develop a cold spot in my chest, my hands go cold, one time I had a pain that raced down my left arm and for 3 days, my hand on that side was pins and needles as if I'd slept on it.

3. I have finally, on some level, accepted that this is what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to write. I have stories to tell and I'm supposed to tell them.

If I really have to say, I'd say it's a combination of all three. Knowing that gives me power though. It means that the next time I have the chance to pull out my files and notebook, I will take a deep breath and I will pull things out. It may take me a couple of attempts to actually start working again on the book, but  I will start working on it again. I have an April 30th deadline. It won't be done by then and that's okay.



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Once upon a time, I probably lived without anxiety, without fear, without constant worries, but I don't remember that time. These things have been a part of my world for so long that they've become a part of me. I've lived with certain levels of anxiety for so long that to not have it starts a new wave of fear and anxiety.

Those are the thoughts that led to me writing this post today. No, those are some of the thoughts. There are times that my mind moves so quickly that i can't keep up with it. Last night wasn't one of those nights and that's truly what led to me sitting here now writing as if I'm sharing secrets with my closest friends....

Yesterday was a busy day. I had my first eye exam in about ten years. I wasn't nervous until they called me back and put me in a chair. Suddenly I was having to take deep breaths and to remind myself that it was only an eye exam...to fail it meant nothing more than getting a pair of glasses. I felt ridiculous for being anxious over something so small.

From there, I picked up my oldest and took him to his annual check up with his orthopedist. The appointment seemed to go too quickly and she has essentially released him from her care unless something happens. That led to another round of anxiety, especially when his stepmom questioned the entire thing. I had to remind myself that her office is only a phone call away and if I feel as if I need to go talk to her, I can go and talk to her.

After that it was picking up the youngest and waiting for him to get changed into his tux, taking him back to the school, helping a little bit with the concert set up and enjoying the annual Band-o-Rama concert. It was during this that I saw an instagram post that showed that I wasn't doing editing work on a comic that I had been 150% sure that I was. I was waiting on the file to arrive. It turns out that I misunderstood and there had never been an intent for me to work on the book.

My reaction scared me. There was the usual bit of hurt and such, but then something shifted. I took a look around the gym, at the kids rushing about to make sure everything was perfect and I just stopped caring about a comic.  For the next two hours, I didn't care. Instead of being wrapped up in my fears, insecurities, and anxiety, I was wrapped up in the music and what was happening in front of me.

It was after the concert, after I had dropped the kiddo off at his dad's and during the 30
 minute drive home that it all came back. I cycled between insecurity, being completely calm, and perhaps somewhere between the two. I had entire conversations with myself:

"He didn't use anyone. He probably doesn't feel as if he needs a proofreader/editor for comics, just for prose type things."

"Yes, but he said he was sending it to me."

"Yes, that's probably how you took his yes when you asked about seeing it that week, but that's probably not what he meant."

"What if he doesn't think I'm capable of doing it? After all, that one book review said I sucked as an editor and that a professional needs to look at it and fix it. What if he agrees with her?"

"And what if you acknowledge that you aren't perfect and that you rushed the second review of the book and didn't do a third like you usually do because you were more worried about disappointing him by missing the deadline than you were with your usual level of perfectionism?"

Yep, sometimes I'm pretty darn harsh with myself. Still, that last self was right. I didn't give it the third review that I do with all of my projects. I missed things. It's the accepting that it's okay that's the hardest. Anything less than perfection in this kind of thing isn't okay and I will be going over it again and sending it back in so that hopefully it can be updated.

Why am I telling you all of this? I don't honestly know. I think, more than anything, I felt the need to write, to share some of  this with someone.

There's more to this, but this post is long and perhaps it's better left to another post...




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It's been a while since I've had a night where I felt so downright lost and inconsequential. Quite often, I can pinpoint the reason why but tonight it was just suddenly there.

I popped into the incredibly talented Kate Finnegan's livestream to watch her color for an upcoming cover for Big Dog Ink's Oz. Usually when I pop into these things I just sit and watch in amazement as she works. Of course, if you know me, you also know that I'm an active participant in the chat portion. Heck, I've been doing chat rooms for so many years that it's near impossible for me to sit quiet in one.

Everything was fine. Kate was working away and suddenly it hit me. I was sitting in a chat room full of mega talented comic book folk. Artists, colorists and writers were all right there in that room and through no one's fault, suddenly I felt like a nobody. I was surrounded by amazing talent and there I was. I didn't belong with them. I watched as back and forth they went, supporting one another, telling each other how great they all were and more and more I thought, why am I in here? I don't belong here. I don't have any kind of skill that I could offer them.

You see, lately, I've feel feeling ...unfulfilled? Unimportant? I don't know. I know it's a flaw of my own to need to feel like I'm important..that I'm changing lives..that I'm making a difference to someone..It's why I volunteer to research locations for people's drawings. It's why I'm willing to write reviews for free. Yes, I love the books I get, but they're digital and when it comes to comics, I want the physical copies and I have paid for every single one that I've liked enough to review.

So, here I was...in a room filled with amazing people and all I could hear inside my head was, why are you here? You're a nobody. You're just a blogger. If you vanished tomorrow, not one of these people would notice. You'd just be gone. I watched as amazing things happened to someone in that room and while I was thrilled for them, a part of me thought...See, that will never happen to you. You won't be the girl who goes to a convention, no matter the type, and have a job offered to them. You know others who that has happened to. You know someone who that happened to less than a week ago. That won't be you. You have nothing to offer these people. You have no skills.

Sometimes my brain has a big mouth that runs on for ages. I even posted about it to Facebook..and while the responses I got were sweet, they didn't touch on the real issue. What are these supposed skills that I have that are so valuable? Yes, people talk to me about all sorts of things and sometimes I know the right thing to say. What does that get me other than a lot of people who only want me around when they're having problems? Don't get me wrong, I have real friends but a lot of these people only seek me out during hard times. They're not there for my hard times and when mine come, they still only want to talk about themselves. Sometimes, I just need to talk about me.

I don't know where this all came from. It made me sad at myself for feeling this way. Not even Justin could get through it tonight. He actually told me that he's not allowed to tell me how great I am because I don't believe it anymore when he says it. Maybe he's right. Maybe I've somehow decided that unless I hear it from others too, it's not true. It's something to think about.

Want to know the saddest little bit about this whole thing? I actually offered my "skills" to Tom for $1 a day tonight. I know it read as a joke and it was a joke...kind of. I guess I'm tired of sitting on the outside of the world and looking in. I want to be a part of things. I want to be taken seriously. I'm tired of hearing oh, you're just a blogger, whether it's from my own brain or someone's lips or fingertips. I just want someone to come up to me one day and say you know what? You're an amazing and awesome person and I want you to be a part of the team.

For those of you who actually read all of this, thank you. I know that there won't be many comments left because people just don't leave many comments these days, but I do appreciate the eyes that come and read. I started writing in the hopes this would turn into another amazingly insightful piece but I think mostly, I just needed to write for me. I needed to purge some of this out of my system. Someone said tonight that I don't have any physical skills..and it's left me wondering, if I don't have those, what skills do I have?



"Big Dog Ink Official Artists Therapist..."

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When I was a little girl, I fell in love with the book The Story of Holly and Ivy. It's about a little girl who lives in an orphanage and when all of the other kids go off to visit families for Christmas, she says she's going to visit her grandmother. By the end of the story, she's gotten the best present ever, a new family. I used to dream that I was that little girl. Not because I wanted a new family, but because in the end, all of her dreams came true.

As an adult, I have new dreams. I have dreams for my own life and now dreams for my boys. I want them to grow up to be good men. I want them to find what makes them happy and to go for it. I think that's my biggest hope and dream for them. I want them to be happy. I know that true happiness comes from loving the person that you are and it's my hope, that as their mom, I can teach them how to do that.

As Christmas approaches, more and more I think about what it is that I can give to them. Yes, they'll have presents under the tree. They'll have the fun of tearing open packages and seeing what Santa (and mom) has brought them. I'll get the joy in watching their faces. There's something wonderful about watching a child open a present, knowing that it was picked out just for them. More than that though, I'll give them experiences.

Like many families, we have our own traditions. Every year, the boys get new pajamas on Christmas Eve. Every year, I wrap them and let them open them, even though they know what's inside. This year, I waited with tons of other people for the midnight sale at Walmart to begin. It was important to me that I be able to continue a tradition that they said they wanted to do still.

After they open their pajamas and get into them, we'll all cuddle up on the couch and read The Night Before Christmas together. I started reading it to them when they were tiny and now they read it to me. We'll put out milk and cookies for Santa. The boys have let me know that they think Santa wants chocolate milk and homemade cookies this year. Every year, I ask them what they think he wants and every year it changes a little bit. One year the poor man had to drink both egg nog and chocolate milk. After that, he let us know one glass of drink is enough to go with his cookies.

Do my boys still believe in Santa? I don't really know and you know what? It doesn't really matter. It's all part of the fun we share together each year. I'm sure in a couple of years I'll know for sure but I don't think that will stop us. I remember the first year I didn't get a stocking filled with treats. Even though I "knew" Santa wasn't real, it made me sad. So, we'll do stockings here until the boys let me know they don't want me to anymore.

As for me, I still believe in Santa and I hope that all of you do too. Imagine if we took the Christmas Spirit that he embodies and applied it year round. This world would be a much better place.

Whew! It's Thursday and it's still hot out! I thought the weather was supposed to cool down today. You coulda fooled me! I went outside to throw away some yucky cat litter and the heat smacked me right upside the head and had me scurrying back inside where I can sit in front of my little fan. It doesn't do much good but it's sure better than a boot in the butt!

What I want to write about today isn't any sort of earth shattering, mind blowing concept but it certainly was a light bulb moment for me. The other morning, I was standing in the shower, grumbling to myself about shaving my legs. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the final product, it's just the process that I'm not so keen on.

I do a lot of thinking while in the shower. I think it's because it's quiet and peaceful and there aren't any interruptions so I can actually think something all the way through. I was thinking about my poor van. Now, if you haven't heard, we're about to have to dump maybe up to another $400 to get it running properly. The first $300 of that is for a tune up. Now, I'm not a car person but even I know that vehicles require maintenance and I'm lucky to not have had to do this before now. The van is 11 years old and this is the first tune up it's ever had. Realistically, it probably should have had one ages ago but not being a car person, I knew/know very little about what is routine maintenance with vehicles. Shame on me for always relying on a man to know these things. Seriously, it's my vehicle, why did I not find out? Sheesh.

Anyway, from there I went to thinking about house maintenance. You see, I love this house and I'm seriously hoping that everything works out so that we can make an arrangement to buy it from the owners when the lease is up in June. However, there are some issues with it and one of them is the dryer. It works fine, but it vents down and out through the basement and then back up and out one of the walls. I don't know if it's because it's never been cleaned or just because of the turns it must be taking, but lint has built up in it. Now, lint in a dryer vent is actually dangerous and can lead to fires, not to mention your clothes take forever to dry. When I was outside the other day, I finally figured out where it was venting from and the outside portion of the vent was clogged up with dryer lint! I cleaned it out from there and intend to get a dryer vent kit (Flylady has this wonderful one!) as soon as I can.

Now, what does all of this have to do with light bulb moments or even taking care of myself? Well, after thinking about how vehicles and houses need routine maintenance to function well, I realized that so do I. Just like my kitchen only requires routine maintenance after I do a deep clean in there, I realized that if I shaved my legs before they looked like gorilla legs, the process would be a lot faster and easier. The same goes with dry elbows and feet. If I routinely apply lotion and take care of them, I won't have to battle to get them back to smooth and lovely.

After making this "remarkable" discovery, I've decided that the Time For Me Thursdays are even more important than maybe I realized before. If we routinely take time to take care of ourselves, maybe we can ward off some of those expensive fixes down the road. It's much easier to take time to relax now then to need heart surgery later because the stress put stress on my heart.

So, I'm going to keep on posting those Thursday posts and hope that more people jump on my bandwagon. Taking time to help you take care of you is a good thing.

I love this picture. It reminds me of my boys. Ben loves frogs and collects stuffed ones. When the boys were little, I saw them hug each other like this more than once. It always makes me smile. Peter picked them early today so I'm missing them a little extra. It warmed my heart to hear them both say that they weren't quite ready to go back to Dad's. It's good to feel loved and I know my two loves have the biggest capacity for love. Not just for me (and Dad) but for each other. They really are each other's best friend.

I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. Last year, I made it one of my goals to be more open and to take risks when it came to friendship. I'm not sure that I actually did that. Friendship seems to be hard for me. I'm great at random meetings. I can (and often do) talk to anyone about anything, anywhere. People seem to like me on first meetings. The problem is, that's where it ends and I'm not totally sure why.

An example -- Rob and Nickle from when I lived in Buffalo. I first met these two wonderful people at a dinner thing back about six months after I moved to Buffalo. I thought they were great from that first meeting. The thing is, other than bumping into them at different events, I never saw them again. Imagine my total surprise, 18 months later, when Rob told me that he was sorry I was moving back to Michigan and they'd miss me. What? Really? I guess I figured that since they never contacted me outside of the group we were all part of, they didn't care one way or the other about me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't blame them for this. It's more something I'm pondering. Why do I do great first meetings but they never go from there? Were Rob & Nickle waiting for me to make that next move while I was waiting for them? Is that what happens? Am I missing out on friendships because I'm not being assertive enough? Are people waiting on me as I'm waiting on them?

Justin and I were talking about this the other night. He's totally baffled by the fact that I don't have any friends that I can meet up for coffee or anything like that. He says that I have more friends than I probably realize, but none of them are local. He actually thinks that people hint around me that we ought to do something and I'm just totally missing the hints. I don't think that's what's happened but I'm not ruling anything out.

The truth is...I'm always amazed when people are nice to me. I know that's a bit ridiculous since I know I'm a smart, nice person but it's true. When Rob said we could stay at their place back at Halloween, I was really like wow...seriously? You wouldn't mind. When Janice & Susan from 5 Minutes For Mom stopped by the blog the other day, I was amazed that they would stop by my lowly little space on the web. When I see bloggers tweeting back and forth, I'm envious, but I never believe that these incredible women would want to be friends with me. I swear I treat them like celebrities...incredible, wonderful beings who have done just what I want to do but I could never ask their advice because why would they talk to me? Sheesh. Can we say insecure?

So, what do I do about it? I want friends. I want to be able to meet up for coffee or crafting or heck, just about anything. I'm looking forward to having the house totally put together because maybe then I can invite people in. The house isn't ready for that quite yet but progress is being made every day.

I guess the real question is...How do you make friends?

Life has been so crazy with end of semester stuff and it isn't going to let up anytime soon, but I wanted to take some time to just post some thoughts and maybe some decisions, resolutions, etc.

This weekend, I so need to clean. This place looks a bit like a trailer park after tornado season. I need to take some time and just tidy and sort. I'm going to be sorting things that can be let go of and things that can actually be put away. That's the challenge in 300 square feet, there's just not enough places to put things away.

Next week I only have class on Monday, but I have yay me! company coming on Wednesday and staying through until Saturday. We're going to have tons of fun and if I actually remember, I'll take tons of pictures and post the play by play here later.

After that is hell week at school. I have four tests that week. Craziness. Then, a huge crazy final the week after that.

Then break! Woohoo! 4 weeks of no classes! Woohoo! Ahem. Sorry about that. I'm going into the last semester of my BA and I'm ready for the break that Christmas gives me. I have tons to do to prep for Christmas so I'll be curled up with my pazzles and presents for a good portion of everything between the 11th and the 22nd or so. I'll take pictures of everything and post those too! Woo! lots of pics coming your way! lol!

Now, would you believe it or not that I'm already scouting for moving boxes on freecyle? I've actually already got one box going and will be starting to seriously pack up over the next month or so. With a full semester coming up, I need to do a few here and a few there. Plus, this gives me the chance to sort out things as I go without it being so rushed. That way I can turn around post things back onto freecycle, too.

In the meantime, everyone have a good weekend. I'm excited to tell you that by next weekend, I very well might have my giveaway (and a fantastic etsy shop highlighted) posted and ..yes, there's an and! ...and I'm going to start posting a weekly challenge. I hope all of you will participate! See everyone soon!