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It's been a while since I've had a night where I felt so downright lost and inconsequential. Quite often, I can pinpoint the reason why but tonight it was just suddenly there.

I popped into the incredibly talented Kate Finnegan's livestream to watch her color for an upcoming cover for Big Dog Ink's Oz. Usually when I pop into these things I just sit and watch in amazement as she works. Of course, if you know me, you also know that I'm an active participant in the chat portion. Heck, I've been doing chat rooms for so many years that it's near impossible for me to sit quiet in one.

Everything was fine. Kate was working away and suddenly it hit me. I was sitting in a chat room full of mega talented comic book folk. Artists, colorists and writers were all right there in that room and through no one's fault, suddenly I felt like a nobody. I was surrounded by amazing talent and there I was. I didn't belong with them. I watched as back and forth they went, supporting one another, telling each other how great they all were and more and more I thought, why am I in here? I don't belong here. I don't have any kind of skill that I could offer them.

You see, lately, I've feel feeling ...unfulfilled? Unimportant? I don't know. I know it's a flaw of my own to need to feel like I'm important..that I'm changing lives..that I'm making a difference to someone..It's why I volunteer to research locations for people's drawings. It's why I'm willing to write reviews for free. Yes, I love the books I get, but they're digital and when it comes to comics, I want the physical copies and I have paid for every single one that I've liked enough to review.

So, here I was...in a room filled with amazing people and all I could hear inside my head was, why are you here? You're a nobody. You're just a blogger. If you vanished tomorrow, not one of these people would notice. You'd just be gone. I watched as amazing things happened to someone in that room and while I was thrilled for them, a part of me thought...See, that will never happen to you. You won't be the girl who goes to a convention, no matter the type, and have a job offered to them. You know others who that has happened to. You know someone who that happened to less than a week ago. That won't be you. You have nothing to offer these people. You have no skills.

Sometimes my brain has a big mouth that runs on for ages. I even posted about it to Facebook..and while the responses I got were sweet, they didn't touch on the real issue. What are these supposed skills that I have that are so valuable? Yes, people talk to me about all sorts of things and sometimes I know the right thing to say. What does that get me other than a lot of people who only want me around when they're having problems? Don't get me wrong, I have real friends but a lot of these people only seek me out during hard times. They're not there for my hard times and when mine come, they still only want to talk about themselves. Sometimes, I just need to talk about me.

I don't know where this all came from. It made me sad at myself for feeling this way. Not even Justin could get through it tonight. He actually told me that he's not allowed to tell me how great I am because I don't believe it anymore when he says it. Maybe he's right. Maybe I've somehow decided that unless I hear it from others too, it's not true. It's something to think about.

Want to know the saddest little bit about this whole thing? I actually offered my "skills" to Tom for $1 a day tonight. I know it read as a joke and it was a joke...kind of. I guess I'm tired of sitting on the outside of the world and looking in. I want to be a part of things. I want to be taken seriously. I'm tired of hearing oh, you're just a blogger, whether it's from my own brain or someone's lips or fingertips. I just want someone to come up to me one day and say you know what? You're an amazing and awesome person and I want you to be a part of the team.

For those of you who actually read all of this, thank you. I know that there won't be many comments left because people just don't leave many comments these days, but I do appreciate the eyes that come and read. I started writing in the hopes this would turn into another amazingly insightful piece but I think mostly, I just needed to write for me. I needed to purge some of this out of my system. Someone said tonight that I don't have any physical skills..and it's left me wondering, if I don't have those, what skills do I have?



"Big Dog Ink Official Artists Therapist..."

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Image from caramdir.at

Today, I woke up exhausted. Today, I feel like the world is closing in on me. Today, I want to be happy. Today, I want to curl up in someone's arms and be protected from the world. Today, I weep. Today, I mourn for the loss of one so small.

Today, through the pain, I am thankful. I am thankful for his brothers. Today, I am thankful for the beautiful souls that surround me when I allow them near. Today, I am not alone. I am never truly alone.

Today, I will cry. Today, I will look towards the heavens and wonder why. I will always wonder why. Today, life stands still and yet, life moves on. Today, I say farewell all over again..



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So, like a good girl, I went grocery shopping yesterday. Not my favorite thing in the world, but I was out of all the important things in life; bread, milk and cereal. I was "happily" shopping along when I decided to scoot down the cookie aisle to see if they had the low fat/cal/whatever Lorna Doone cookies. For some unknown reason, I've been craving shortbread cookies and since I'd had a crummilicious day, I thought I'd earned them.

Now...imagine my shock and horror as I'm walking past the Archway cookies section and I see a sign that says something like "Archway cookies has gone out of business. Cookies will be available only until we run out of stock." I was dumfounded. I just stood there and stared at the shelf. Then, for old times sake, I picked up a package of windmill cookies. I would have gotten some raspberry ones, but they didn't have any. If by any chance they have more windmill and maybe some diet gingersnaps, I may pick those up in next week's shopping.

Another childhood memory come to an end...I'm sorry to see you go, Archway!

I did so well holding it together today. Then, just as I pulled into the driveway Roger's favorite song (the Ghostbusters Theme) came on the radio and that was it. I'm curled up on the couch crying my little heart out. A few days of the year I feel like the most awful parent ever and this is one of them. I should be in Michigan, attending their class parties, making them dinner, taking them trick or treating.. but I'm not. I'm in New York, 8 hours away. I would give anything to have spent today with them, but I just couldn't afford to drive there. I miss them so much and it kills me to miss out on parts of their lives. Peter won't take pictures of them in their costumes and he won't have gone to their parties. I guess that's what momma's are for except I'm not there.

To those of you who got to decorate cupcakes or help your babies into their costumes, please know just how blessed you are. I would give anything just to have those simple moments back again.