The holiday time are upon us again and I realize that it's been a long time since I wrote more than a book review for this site. It wasn't because I didn't want to but because I needed to focus on rebuilding my life. Finally receiving a diagnosis was merely the first steps in what will be a lifelong journey.

I'm on medication now and it helps. The ups and downs are still there but for the most part, I can ride them out and still be functional. Once I got used to taking the medication, I started building routines to help me get through the day and to get back on track. I've been thrown off a time or two, but the basic routine is still there and it's helping me get through. Every so often, I add back in a piece that has gotten lost.

I sat not only this website aside, but also Geekorama.net which was a tough decision but one that was necessary. It's just now, nearly 6 months later that I'm slowly coming back to both of them. Instead, I focused on spending time with the boys and on slowly reclaiming my home. In that time, I've lost track of how many trash bags have gone out and how much we've donated. This past weekend, we helped load up 5 trash bags of stuffed toys, a full box of books, a fan, a vacuum and a small bookshelf to go to a family who lost everything in a fire. There will be a lot more to go as I slowly work my way through our home. So far, there are only three rooms that have been seriously worked on. Our laundry room has been redone, the bathroom is done and the boys' room is in progress. All of those I'm struggling to maintain but they're better than they have been in years. I'm hoping that by May..a year after my diagnosis, I'll have the entire interior of our home done and then I can focus on the van and the barn.

All of this sounds good, right? I've been making progress. I can't argue with that. There has been some really good progress around here. Except in one area...finances. Financially, we're barely hanging on. We're behind on some bills and there's never any extra money for anything and it kills me. Whenever I think about money, I feel like a complete and total failure.

I know there are those who know me who judge me because I don't work. They point to the trips that I've taken for the website and make comments about how they wish they had someone paying the way. They comment how I'm an abled body person who just lives off of their ex-husband and the generosity of others. They comment and I bleed inside. I want so badly to shake them and scream they wouldn't take my life if they had the chance..a life without a special needs child who *needs* his mother to do homework with him as much as she can because without that extra help, he doesn't succeed at school..a life with a mental illness that can be downright crippling at times. It's not a life that many would choose if they looked beyond the surface to what was happening inside.

I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you how it is. My oldest son is 13 and in the 8th grade. He's one of the joys of my life and I wouldn't trade those after school homework sessions for anything. My heart breaks on the days when I don't have the gas money to go help him and he calls me crying because he doesn't know how to do something. I would give anything to find a magic cure to help things not be such a struggle for him. There is no magic cure other than a lot of hard work, hard work that both he and I and his father and his father's wife put in. He'll be joining Special Olympics soon for bowling and I don't care if I have to beg on the street, I will find a way to get him the hour drive to practices.

As for me, I'm still rebuilding and it's going to take a while. One thing that I've learned in this process is that I have to go slow. I have to add pieces back in slowly. It's like a tower of cards. If you move too quickly, the whole thing collapses and you have to start over. I wouldn't give this to anyone. It's a challenge that nobody in life should have to face, but to many of us do every single day. Am I physically able to work? Yes. Am I emotionally and psychologically able? Unlikely. Adding in something that huge right now would cause my house of cards to collapse.

Would I trade my life for another? No. I love my children and I love the world that we're building together. I am who I am but sometimes being who I am makes me feel like a total failure. These past few years have been miserably hard for me and for the boys and it was my hope that this year I could provide them with an amazing Christmas..tree, decorations, wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with family movie time and then just for once, really spoil them on Christmas morning. That isn't going to happen this year. Both of the editing jobs that I had agreed to take on for this month fell through and
money just isn't coming through the door. I have bills that are piling up and we're struggling. I try really hard not to compare my life to others, but when I see people saying how broke they are and yet they're going to the movies or fancy places, it's hard. Then, I remind myself that I can't see behind closed doors to know their life more than they can know mine.

“In fact, if you're wondering if I expect miracles---the answer is yes. Even when they don't seem to happen, I keep believing in them. Even when I stop believing in them, I'll always start again. Because if you don't have hope, what's left? I believe. And maybe they'll happen in a way I never saw coming--they usually do. Or maybe I'll find the way to make them happen myself. But ether way--I expect miracles.” Jennifer DeLucy



If you like what you've read here, please share it with others using these buttons:

Did y'all know that it's only 6 weeks until Christmas? I suddenly realized that last night when I was looking at scheduling some posts over at Geekorama. Then, I had a moment of pure panic. I am just not organized about the holidays this year. Losing my grandma has thrown me all out of whack when it comes to anything that we used to spend with her. I don't even have my Christmas card list made let alone addresses collected or anything like that! Ahh!

Then I realized, treat.com may just save my hiney this year. I can go to the site, create a unique and personalized card and they can send it for me. No time standing in the store or waiting in line at the post office. Whew!

How about you? Are you set for the holidays? If not or heck, even if you are, why not head over to treat.com and try out the site? Create a card and then using the code TREATBLOGR, send off that card for Free*. Give them a shot and when you're done, come on back here and tell us about your experience. We would love to know!



*Free card offer only valid 11/19 and 11/20/2012.

This post is brought to you on behalf of treat.com. All comments, thoughts and opinions belong 100% to me.
If you like what you've read here, please share it with others using these buttons:

I know! I know! It's October! None of us want to hear about Holiday Cards, yet! Well, believe it or not, while some of us are cringing at the Santa Claus' in the stores, others are already planning out their holiday cards. They're browsing through all of the options and planning their family photos.

No matter which category you fall in, you cannot deny that Shutterfly has some of the greatest card choices for making personalized holiday cards. Every single year, I go there and I look through them, wishing that this year I had just a little extra money so that I could send out something like this instead of my dollar store selections. Do you guys feel the same way? If so, I have a bit of a treat for you...are you ready? How would you like the opportunity to win $50 off an order from Shutterfly? Now, I warn you that it won't include shipping and cannot be combined with other offers, but still, that's pretty awesome, right? I just love being able to bring things like this to you! Check out the Rafflecopter below and once you're done, why not browse the site a little and maybe even pick up a little something off their Special Offers page?


a Rafflecopter giveaway


This post brought to you by Shutterfly. All content is 100% mine because I wrote it. ) 

If you like what you've read here, please share it with others using these buttons:

Can you believe that it is now less than 3 weeks until Christmas? Where the heck has this past year gone? I'm not even sure where the last month has gone. I keep thinking I just wrote here and then I come over and bam! it's been something like three weeks. I need to do better. I'm doing pretty good with making the changes within the house and I'm going to keep doing that and I'm hoping to add in more blog stuff soon. If nothing else, I want to start doing my Wednesday photo posts again. Photos make me happy and happy is good. :)

Now, I know it's not Wednesday, but I just have to share some photos with everyone. I think I may..no wait, maybe I didn't. Ok, I need to give some background here. I've been divorced now for about 4.5 years. About 3.5 years ago, I moved out of the "family home" and moved to Buffalo. I didn't put up a tree for the two years I was there or last year because the apartment didn't have enough room and this house was in total chaos at this time last year. This year, when I went looking for my bin with all of our Christmas tree ornaments, I was dealt a pretty harsh blow. It's gone. The tote that held all of the boys' ornaments and all of the ornaments that I've had since I was probably a toddler. They're gone. As you can imagine, insert devastation here. Then, I took a deep breath and said no, I'm not going to wallow in this. Yes, it sucks in more ways than a person can imagine, but it could be so much worse. My friend Jenny just lost her husband and is looking towards a Christmas without him. There are people who can't give their children food, let alone presents or a tree.

So what did I do? I put out the word on Facebook that I was looking for anyone's spare ornaments. My father's cousin and his wife went through their ornaments and found some for us. I went digging through my holiday totes and found some that I'd gotten last year at Goodwill. I think I'd planned them for a craft project, but now they're happily shining on our little tree. We didn't put up the big tree this year. This house just isn't made for a 6' tree. We did have a great spot for our little 3-4' tree though. Now, without further ado...I'd like to introduce you to our tree....











Yes, those are popcorn strands. I sat on my couch, watching the boys play games, smiled and fed a needle through hundreds of pieces of popcorn. I thought about how thankful I was to my mother for giving me her ancient air popper so many years ago. When I needed it, it was right there in the cupboard. I also made that huge 3D star. I had no idea it would turn out as big as it did, but we love it no matter.

As we go into the holiday season and the crazy rush that sometimes happens, I want to ask my readers for two things:

1. If you have leftover ornaments that you're not going to use or that you just don't love anymore, look for a family who can use them. As I've said on Facebook, our family is hosting the "Ornament Rescue Program" for this year. If you have ornaments that you would like to share with our family, drop me an email and I can send you our address. If you have some that you just want to share, check out your local FreeCycle group.

2. The next time you walk by one of the bell ringers outside of a store, drop in your loose change. You have no idea how far that change can go. If you live in an area where those people don't exist, look around online. There are so many charities that can use a helping hand not just now but all year long.

One of the big topics of conversation around my house right now is finances. Honestly, it's a word that strikes fear in my heart. With the holidays coming up, it terrifies me even more. We're still struggling. In fact, with the increases in the heating and electricity bills, we're struggling even more than we were a year ago. We're making it but in some ways, we're just barely making it. Making it even worse, we're looking at moving right around Christmas/New Years and the added expenses for that freak me out.

Those of you who know me know that Christmas is a huge deal for me. I spend months coming up with the perfect gifts for people. I work hard to make sure my boys have a perfect Christmas with me. I spend time thinking and deciding what dish I should take to the family dinner because I want to make the perfect choice. Ut-oh...Does anyone else see a pattern here? Perfectionism has snuck in yet again.

Here's reality. Life isn't perfect. Holidays will never be perfect no matter how little or how much money I have. Some silly thing will go wrong or one cousin will pick a fight with another cousin. Perhaps this year one child will suddenly realize that another gets more spent on them at grandma's house. Yep, that's life. It's reality. Life isn't perfect.

So why do I try so hard to make it be? It all goes back to being abandoned by my own parents and my fears that my children will somehow think I love them less because I went to Buffalo for two years or because I don't live with them now. I want them to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are the most important pieces of my life so I try to create this perfect environment for them at the holidays.

I know, even on a good financial year, that I will never be able to buy them everything that they want. However, this year, it's killing me to know that I might not be able to buy them anything. I have nieces and nephews who expect me to give them something really great and personal because I do every year. This year, they might not get that. With the move coming, I've already told my boys that we won't be decorating this year. They're ok with that because they understand the work involved. My youngest, heaven love him, was concerned that without them there wouldn't be presents. He was worried that maybe Santa (I swear he plays along for mom's sake.) won't know we're still celebrating without them. I reassured him that there would be so now I have to find a way to make that happen.

Will Christmas be the perfect event that I always try to push for? No and that's ok. Perfection shouldn't have ever been my goal, even subconsciously. What it will be is ours. It will be us, together as a family. We will still read The Night Before Christmas together on Christmas Eve. We will still put out milk and cookies for Santa. They will still have something to open on Christmas morning, even if it's not the huge stack of presents that every kid dreams about. Who knows, maybe after opening their presents we'll go out and have a snowball fight before we go to see our family.

What's important is that Christmas is about love and family and I am so blessed to have both in my life. My boys may not remember what they got for Christmas 2010 but they will remember that their mom loved them enough to bake cookies with them and to cuddle with them to watch classic Christmas cartoons before tucking them into bed. They're going to remember that I loved them enough to give them me.

It's Tuesday and boy has it been a long one! I was up at 6am this morning to meet up with Peter to take Ben into the doctor. I did make it to their place by 7:15 and Peter rushed us right out the door. The roads were kinda slick this morning and so was their parking lot! I slipped about 4 feet out their door and Ben laughed all the way to the car. Little turkey.

The appointment went well. The doctor checked out Ben's legs and did some x-rays. She thinks that surgery might be a good idea for Ben's right leg. She also said that more physical therapy as well as wearing a leg immobilizer at night. Peter wants to rush into surgery but I'd rather explore alternative options instead of doing surgery. Peter used time and money as an excuse, but that's precisely why we carry extra insurance on him and I could take him to appointments plus let's face it, the surgery could cost more and be far more time intensive as far as therapy goes. Luckily for me, the doctor doesn't make surgery appointments the first meeting and she feels that extra therapy and such won't hurt to try at all.

After the appointment (which kept us at her office for just over 2 hours), we drove on back. Peter dropped Ben and I off at the apartment to get my van and I took Ben back to school. After signing him in, I hung out with him for about 15 minutes until his class got in from recess. I spent a few minutes talking to his teacher and then popped over to tell Roger that I'd see him at his party on Thursday. It's going to be a lot of trips to Hastings because they need to be in school on Friday because Ben has 2 tests that day. Poor kid.

Then, it was off to the dollar store and then the grocery store. As usual, the groceries took me almost 2 hours. It may go faster if I didn't stop to talk to so many random strangers. ;) Then, I used my grocery receipt to get 25c off a gallon of gas at their gas station and then drove on home. Did I mention in all of this that it was freezing cold today? Brrrrrrrrr!

Sadly, our house here has some serious air leaks and I haven't had the money to get plastic to cover up the windows. I've been trying other creative means though and they've been partially effective. After getting back, I decided to take a nap but our upstairs only has 1 heat vent and it seems pretty ineffective. I was so cold that I couldn't fall asleep! I'm going to have to get out our small space heaters and take them upstairs to take the chill off the bedrooms before we go to sleep at night.

I did eventually go outside and unloaded most of the groceries from the van. I'll snag the rest of them tomorrow. I was just too dang cold and honestly, exhausted to handle all of them today. I did get those inside and then I did something I'd been meaning to do for about the last month. I actually got about half of the fridge totally cleared out. Ugh..how do they get so full of stuff? By the time I was done, my trash bag was full and it was so heavy that I had to carry the whole trash can to the porch, open our outdoor trashcan and then (after tying the bag closed) tip the whole trashcan over the rail so the bag fell out into the outdoor can! But, my fridge looks much nicer and isn't full of spoiled food. Yay! Now, I only have to do the other half.

Tomorrow, I have to go into Lansing and then spend a big chunk of time baking cookies for teacher gifts. Plus, if all goes well, I'm hoping to be able to get the rest of the presents wrapped. I do wish I could find Grandma's bell and Alex's gift. I know they're here. I just don't remember where the heck I sat them down at!

Okie, time for me to try to get some extra sleep. It's going to be a crazy week and tomorrow is only the halfway point!

Hello, Hello, everyone! It's Thursday and it's all about doing something to spoil or really just to take care of yourself today. If you're anything like me, you're elbow deep in holiday preparations. Now, if you're also like me, you're loving it. For the first time in years, I feel like I'm on top of things. I still have a ton of gifts to make, but I'm plugging away at them so I feel like they'll be done in time. My holiday newsletter is written and my cards are signed and addressed. I'm just waiting to see if I get the money to get my newsletter printed out. If not, well, I'll probably post a version of it to my website and send out the cards without it.

Now, before any of you attack me and beat me up for being on the ball this year, I'm going to very nicely remind you that you could have been too, if you're not. If you are then I'm so proud of you! So, today's time for me challenge: If you are not ready for the holidays or they're stressing you out, take an hour or so and figure out just what needs to be done. I find that if I have a list, it gives me a starting point and that relieves a lot of stress.

For me, I'm going to be crafting. Yep, crafting. These gifts won't make themselves and it's been literally years since I could just sit and craft and it's soooo relaxing and wonderful for me. I'm working on another set of ornaments right now and then I have to make a train bank. If I can find a pattern, I'd also like to do bookmarks for the boys. We'll see on that one.

Before I sign off today, I do want to do a couple of yay me's. I think it's important that we recognize the good things that we do and to be proud of yourself. Oooh..make that challenge 2 for today. I want you to blog about at least 2 things that you've done recently that's made you proud of you. As for me, for the past 3 days I have drank 9 glasses of water a day. I'm slowly losing weight and that is huge for me! The other thing is that I got both of our new dvd racks built and put in place and the movies all re-organized.

Yes, my movies are organized. For the kids, all movies of a type are together..so like all the Thomas the Tank Engines, all the Disney, all the full length non Disneys. For me, They're divided into categories (holiday, musicals, old movies, adult, chick flicks) and then alphabetized. Yes, I am ocd and I admit it. ;)

So, that's my yay mes and my time for me for today. What are all of you up to? Make sure you comment or link back!

Hi everyone! It's Wednesday and you know that means a photo posting from me for today. I meant to write yesterday but I had to go into Lansing and then I got wrapped up working on the items I'm going to show you here today. I've been working hard on these because they're going to be Christmas gifts. Now, the theme over at Sunday Shutterbugs is orange. I actually have some orange in these and I took them like 10 minutes ago! Woo! So, here we go!

The first little guy there is my snowman that I made for me. The second set is going to a friend of mine as a Christmas gift. It was really great being able to craft again and I had so much fun making these!

This snowflake too me hours! Cutting it out took ages and then stitching it took probably 2 hours. I couldn't believe it. This family of snowmen will be staying here at my house. The boys picked out which colors they wanted for their scarves and hats. I think they turned out super cute and I can't wait to hang them up.

These four handsome/beautiful snowmen will be going to my nieces and nephews. From the time my 13 year old nephew was a baby, I've given each of the kids a new ornament for Christmas. The little guy there in orange is for the baby who will be celebrating his second Christmas this year. Roger picked out the colors for him and I think he turned out soooooo cute.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving, if you're celebrating it and I'll try to post here throughout the weekend, but I am going to see family tomorrow and I do have company coming for the weekend, so no promises!

With the holidays fast approaching, I've been thinking a lot about how we're going to be doing things. The boys and I have some holiday traditions that we do every year, but this year, I'm going to start another one. Every year, we all get things for Christmas, even if it's just a little something because money is tight. I was reading earlier that 1 in 50 children (in the USA) this year are homeless. How scary is that? With unemployment so high and parents just unable to pay the mortgage anymore, more and more families are turning to shelters. Where we live, there isn't a homeless shelter, but there are plenty of organizations like Salvation Army and Goodwill. So, let me tell you about our new tradition and then I'll share with you some ideas on how you can be a Christmas Angel to a needy child or family.

This year, I'm going to be taking a decorated cardboard box with us to the family Christmas party. It's going to be our donation box. I'm going to ask that every family member donate 1-2 items to the box. For the kids, this will most likely be old toys, games or books. For the adults, it could be just about anything. These items will then be donated to a local charity. I want my children to learn that even when times are tough, they are often tougher for someone else and we should always be willing to lend a hand where we can.

Now, for those of you who do live near a shelter, I'm going to encourage you to consider one of these ideas:

1. Donate comfort items, such as stuffed toys or soft blankets. These could turn into items that the children could keep for themselves.

2. Go in together with another family and host a pizza party/game night at a local shelter. This could be just for the kids or for everyone staying there.

3. Buy new school supplies and donate them to be handed out at the shelter. Can you imagine what it must be like to not be able to buy your child the new backpack that they need for school?

I know that it might seem as if I'm throwing these ideas out early, but let's face it, people need year long, not just at the holidays. Plus, if you start setting aside a little money or time now to help make someone's life better, it won't be nearly as tough when Christmas does roll around!

I just wanted to wish everyone Happy Holidays from my family to all of yours. I'm going to be in Michigan for the next two weeks, visiting my family and spending some much needed time with my boys. I will have sporadic connections at best, so if you need to reach me right away, your best bet is my phone. See everyone when I get back!

Oh my gosh, I'm so behind on posting things here! I'll warn y'all now, this post is gonna be loooong and graphic intensive. Ok, now that you've been warned and probably some of you ran away in terror, let's get to the goodness.

Ok..so in order of...well...order that I find the pics, here we go!

Socks..now most of the time, I'm totally barefoot, but when I do wear socks, I want to wear fun socks! K-mart had Christmas socks on sale for $1/pr so you know I couldn't resist. In no particular order...fun socks!


That 2nd shot was taken at school, so to celebrate the end of the semester (yay!), I present..school pictures:


Okie, so if anyone reads Abby's blog (and honestly, you all should..it's fantastic!), you'll know that she challenged us all to go out and paint our nails. And to prove that I did it, I present..my nails!


And speaking of Abby, I have to show you what she sent me! I was so excited when this package arrived. I had no idea what to expect..buttons, ribbons, crafty stuffs, the scale she swore she'd send me for my birthday...but she surprised me! Look at the totally fantabulous goodies that she sent me! Did I mention that she totally made both of those? She is just beyond..well..let's just say I consider her one of my bestest friends ever.


Now, on to the crafting and I've done a bunch! I won't bore you with all of my "in progress" photos, but you can go check them out on my flickr account.



There you go! As always, if you want to see a larger version, just click on the picture..If you want instructions for any of these projects, just let me know and I'll do my best to post them before I go out of town on Friday.

My cards went out in today's mail! How did all of you do? Did you get those cards or holiday letters done? Leave me a comment and let me know!

Now, on to this week's challenge...and I'm gonna make it a double challenge week!

Part 1 - Kitchen Clean Up! I can almost hear the groans already. Sorry folks! This is a challenge that I need and if I need it, chances are someone else does too!

I live in a 300 square foot (yes, I know how small that is!) apartment and my kitchen becomes the catch all room because it's the first room you step into. This makes it darned near impossible to cook or anything else. So, the challenge is to get it totally cleaned up and "organized." That means wiping down those countertops, hauling out any extra trash and wiping down any other surfaces there may be.

Part 2 - Ok, this one is a bit more "fun", I promise. Now that your Christmas cards are all out in the mail, we're going to move on to presents. How many of you are done shopping already? I am. I did all of mine on Black Friday and I only have the homemade gifts still to go. So, what's the challenge? Start wrapping! Start with the stacks you've already bought and once those are done, wrap them as soon as you bring them in. I want for all of you to be able to relax once we get closer to Christmas.

There you go guys! Have a great week. I have one more final exam on Wednesday night and then I'm done with school so be prepared for more posts!

Life has been so crazy with end of semester stuff and it isn't going to let up anytime soon, but I wanted to take some time to just post some thoughts and maybe some decisions, resolutions, etc.

This weekend, I so need to clean. This place looks a bit like a trailer park after tornado season. I need to take some time and just tidy and sort. I'm going to be sorting things that can be let go of and things that can actually be put away. That's the challenge in 300 square feet, there's just not enough places to put things away.

Next week I only have class on Monday, but I have yay me! company coming on Wednesday and staying through until Saturday. We're going to have tons of fun and if I actually remember, I'll take tons of pictures and post the play by play here later.

After that is hell week at school. I have four tests that week. Craziness. Then, a huge crazy final the week after that.

Then break! Woohoo! 4 weeks of no classes! Woohoo! Ahem. Sorry about that. I'm going into the last semester of my BA and I'm ready for the break that Christmas gives me. I have tons to do to prep for Christmas so I'll be curled up with my pazzles and presents for a good portion of everything between the 11th and the 22nd or so. I'll take pictures of everything and post those too! Woo! lots of pics coming your way! lol!

Now, would you believe it or not that I'm already scouting for moving boxes on freecyle? I've actually already got one box going and will be starting to seriously pack up over the next month or so. With a full semester coming up, I need to do a few here and a few there. Plus, this gives me the chance to sort out things as I go without it being so rushed. That way I can turn around post things back onto freecycle, too.

In the meantime, everyone have a good weekend. I'm excited to tell you that by next weekend, I very well might have my giveaway (and a fantastic etsy shop highlighted) posted and ..yes, there's an and! ...and I'm going to start posting a weekly challenge. I hope all of you will participate! See everyone soon!