The holiday time are upon us again and I realize that it's been a long time since I wrote more than a book review for this site. It wasn't because I didn't want to but because I needed to focus on rebuilding my life. Finally receiving a diagnosis was merely the first steps in what will be a lifelong journey.

I'm on medication now and it helps. The ups and downs are still there but for the most part, I can ride them out and still be functional. Once I got used to taking the medication, I started building routines to help me get through the day and to get back on track. I've been thrown off a time or two, but the basic routine is still there and it's helping me get through. Every so often, I add back in a piece that has gotten lost.

I sat not only this website aside, but also Geekorama.net which was a tough decision but one that was necessary. It's just now, nearly 6 months later that I'm slowly coming back to both of them. Instead, I focused on spending time with the boys and on slowly reclaiming my home. In that time, I've lost track of how many trash bags have gone out and how much we've donated. This past weekend, we helped load up 5 trash bags of stuffed toys, a full box of books, a fan, a vacuum and a small bookshelf to go to a family who lost everything in a fire. There will be a lot more to go as I slowly work my way through our home. So far, there are only three rooms that have been seriously worked on. Our laundry room has been redone, the bathroom is done and the boys' room is in progress. All of those I'm struggling to maintain but they're better than they have been in years. I'm hoping that by May..a year after my diagnosis, I'll have the entire interior of our home done and then I can focus on the van and the barn.

All of this sounds good, right? I've been making progress. I can't argue with that. There has been some really good progress around here. Except in one area...finances. Financially, we're barely hanging on. We're behind on some bills and there's never any extra money for anything and it kills me. Whenever I think about money, I feel like a complete and total failure.

I know there are those who know me who judge me because I don't work. They point to the trips that I've taken for the website and make comments about how they wish they had someone paying the way. They comment how I'm an abled body person who just lives off of their ex-husband and the generosity of others. They comment and I bleed inside. I want so badly to shake them and scream they wouldn't take my life if they had the chance..a life without a special needs child who *needs* his mother to do homework with him as much as she can because without that extra help, he doesn't succeed at school..a life with a mental illness that can be downright crippling at times. It's not a life that many would choose if they looked beyond the surface to what was happening inside.

I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you how it is. My oldest son is 13 and in the 8th grade. He's one of the joys of my life and I wouldn't trade those after school homework sessions for anything. My heart breaks on the days when I don't have the gas money to go help him and he calls me crying because he doesn't know how to do something. I would give anything to find a magic cure to help things not be such a struggle for him. There is no magic cure other than a lot of hard work, hard work that both he and I and his father and his father's wife put in. He'll be joining Special Olympics soon for bowling and I don't care if I have to beg on the street, I will find a way to get him the hour drive to practices.

As for me, I'm still rebuilding and it's going to take a while. One thing that I've learned in this process is that I have to go slow. I have to add pieces back in slowly. It's like a tower of cards. If you move too quickly, the whole thing collapses and you have to start over. I wouldn't give this to anyone. It's a challenge that nobody in life should have to face, but to many of us do every single day. Am I physically able to work? Yes. Am I emotionally and psychologically able? Unlikely. Adding in something that huge right now would cause my house of cards to collapse.

Would I trade my life for another? No. I love my children and I love the world that we're building together. I am who I am but sometimes being who I am makes me feel like a total failure. These past few years have been miserably hard for me and for the boys and it was my hope that this year I could provide them with an amazing Christmas..tree, decorations, wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with family movie time and then just for once, really spoil them on Christmas morning. That isn't going to happen this year. Both of the editing jobs that I had agreed to take on for this month fell through and
money just isn't coming through the door. I have bills that are piling up and we're struggling. I try really hard not to compare my life to others, but when I see people saying how broke they are and yet they're going to the movies or fancy places, it's hard. Then, I remind myself that I can't see behind closed doors to know their life more than they can know mine.

“In fact, if you're wondering if I expect miracles---the answer is yes. Even when they don't seem to happen, I keep believing in them. Even when I stop believing in them, I'll always start again. Because if you don't have hope, what's left? I believe. And maybe they'll happen in a way I never saw coming--they usually do. Or maybe I'll find the way to make them happen myself. But ether way--I expect miracles.” Jennifer DeLucy



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About a month ago, I received an email from Aloha Island Lei with a review request. My first reaction was to chuckle. What was I going to do with a lei all the way over here in Michigan? Knowing though, that people would be getting married or having fun summer parties, I said sure, what the heck? Today, out of the blue, a long box appeared on my front porch. Opening it, I was amazed to find not one, but two gorgeous fresh flower leis.

I apologize for not taking pictures of the packaging, but I was far too eager to get them unwrapped! They smelled absolutely amazing and I couldn't wait to see them. I wasn't disappointed! These are beautifully made, smell delicious and are absolutely beautiful. Don't believe me? Check out this picture where I forced the boys to wear them and stand on the front porch..hehe...

Don't they look handsome?

What amazed me the most...other than the fact that I got them to do this for me? These came all the way from Hawaii and still looked this good! You'd have thought I'd picked them up on the island and snapped the picture within minutes! Honestly, if I ever get the chance to have a lovely beach themed party, I'm going to want one of these around my neck and the necks of my guests!

If you'd like some gorgeous flowered leis of your own, check out Aloha Island Lei! I've been very impressed and hopefully you will be too! Now, just for fun...my boys being all summer stylin'!

Roger - Age 12

Ben - Age 13

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When I was a little girl, I fell in love with the book The Story of Holly and Ivy. It's about a little girl who lives in an orphanage and when all of the other kids go off to visit families for Christmas, she says she's going to visit her grandmother. By the end of the story, she's gotten the best present ever, a new family. I used to dream that I was that little girl. Not because I wanted a new family, but because in the end, all of her dreams came true.

As an adult, I have new dreams. I have dreams for my own life and now dreams for my boys. I want them to grow up to be good men. I want them to find what makes them happy and to go for it. I think that's my biggest hope and dream for them. I want them to be happy. I know that true happiness comes from loving the person that you are and it's my hope, that as their mom, I can teach them how to do that.

As Christmas approaches, more and more I think about what it is that I can give to them. Yes, they'll have presents under the tree. They'll have the fun of tearing open packages and seeing what Santa (and mom) has brought them. I'll get the joy in watching their faces. There's something wonderful about watching a child open a present, knowing that it was picked out just for them. More than that though, I'll give them experiences.

Like many families, we have our own traditions. Every year, the boys get new pajamas on Christmas Eve. Every year, I wrap them and let them open them, even though they know what's inside. This year, I waited with tons of other people for the midnight sale at Walmart to begin. It was important to me that I be able to continue a tradition that they said they wanted to do still.

After they open their pajamas and get into them, we'll all cuddle up on the couch and read The Night Before Christmas together. I started reading it to them when they were tiny and now they read it to me. We'll put out milk and cookies for Santa. The boys have let me know that they think Santa wants chocolate milk and homemade cookies this year. Every year, I ask them what they think he wants and every year it changes a little bit. One year the poor man had to drink both egg nog and chocolate milk. After that, he let us know one glass of drink is enough to go with his cookies.

Do my boys still believe in Santa? I don't really know and you know what? It doesn't really matter. It's all part of the fun we share together each year. I'm sure in a couple of years I'll know for sure but I don't think that will stop us. I remember the first year I didn't get a stocking filled with treats. Even though I "knew" Santa wasn't real, it made me sad. So, we'll do stockings here until the boys let me know they don't want me to anymore.

As for me, I still believe in Santa and I hope that all of you do too. Imagine if we took the Christmas Spirit that he embodies and applied it year round. This world would be a much better place.

I did the best Time For Me in a long time. Today, I went over to the boys' school and watched them both receive Student of the Month. This is a big deal in their school and for the both of them. I was and am so proud of them. After they got out of school, I took them both to Dairy Queen as a treat and we had an hour or so of just hanging out and enjoying being a family before I took them back to their dad's.

Then, I spent the evening relaxing and crafting while I enjoyed some music on TrainREK radio. Days like this come too few and too far between.

Woo! It's Thursday and it's been such a great week so far. The boys have been here and while we haven't been super productive, we've had lots of fun together. We've been reading book 1 of the Percy Jackson series and really enjoying it. We've also been catching up on our iCarly watching. We did some cleaning out in the garage and would have done more if the weather hadn't suddenly gone cold and rainy on us.

They don't know it yet, but I'm going to be surprising them on Saturday with a trip to Swede's for lunch. They're going to love it! I love when I can surprise them, even if it's just with little things like some of the most delicious wet burritos in the whole world.

Since today is nearly done, I think my time for me is going to be just sitting back and relaxing and enjoying the rest of my night with the boys. We've decided on spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner and it's time for me to get in that kitchen to make it!

Ugh! I'm still not better! Ok, I'm better, but I'm not well. I just feel totally drained and as of last night, I was still running a low grade fever. For someone who planned on getting so much done this week, this is totally frustrating. It's 1:13 in the afternoon and I really want a nap. For me today, I might take a nap. We'll see.

But, my Time for Me thing is totally a mom thing. I'm going to brag on my children. Last Monday (November 2nd) was parent-teacher conferences at their school. This is the first time I've been able to attend in the past 2 years and I was glad to be able to do it. We got to the school a few minutes early and tracked down the book fair. The boys both enjoy reading and I thought it would be a good reward for them if they each got a new book. Just before Roger's scheduled meeting, we headed down the hall to his classroom. Peter, Donna and the boys were already there and Peter didn't look happy to see us at all, but too bad. I'm mom too.

So, Roger's meeting - Roger is in 3rd grade now and has Mr. Willard as his teacher. We love Mr. Willard. He's funny and engaging and clearly loves to teach and yet nobody gets away with anything in his classroom. His students are the kind that come back year after year and keep in touch. He teases Roger saying Oh no, it's time for the bad meeting..or saying he's a horrible..oh wait, great kid. Roger had all A's and 1 B+. He was 2% away from Principal's list as he repeatedly has told me. He's doing great in Science and Social Studies where a lot of other kids are struggling. He's one of the few kids who hasn't gotten in trouble and Mr. Willard said he was a model for the other kids in the classroom. The whole meeting lasted 5 minutes because there were no concerns!

Ben's Meeting - Ben is in 4th grade and has Mrs. Stephens as the teacher. She seems nice but more formal. It could be because in the 4th grade, they start preparing the kids for middle school. Ben had something like 4 A's, a B and only one C. I'm so excited for him. Up until now he's really been a C average student and to see him really working and pulling higher grades thrills me. We're never quite sure where his capabilities lie and he's showing us just what he can do. His behavior is good and people love him.

I'm so proud of both of my boys and reliving those moments and how proud I am of them has put a huge smile on my face. What are you going to do to put a huge smile on your face today?

Much to my suprise, the boy's father took pictures of them in their costumes this year..and he sent them to me! Now, I'm going to share them with all of you!