It's Wednesday and I'm back at Starbucks. The music is especially weird today but loud still. There's also road construction outside and no peach juice. All of this, but I'm still in an okay sort of mood. The problem is that I have no idea what to write about this week. Not much has changed in the past week. Ben and I are trying to adjust to his new school schedule. There's a lot to it this semester. Every single one of his classes is like a part time job, I swear. Luckily, two of them are due on Sundays. Biology is due on Thursdays so we're trying to start working on that on the Friday before. It's only week 2 and there was a holiday so we'll see how it works out.

I've been looking at my screen for probably ten minutes, trying to find the words to say what's in my heart this morning. This morning of my oldest son's high school graduation. I never imagined that I'd be one of those moms who had to fight tears just seeing her son in his cap and gown, but here I am. I am totally one of those moms and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

You see, just over 18 years ago, when my tiny 5 pound 6 ounce baby boy came into this world, I never thought the years would fly by as fast as they have. It feels as if I just closed my eyes for a moment and here we are. When I was a young mom, I'd chuckle to myself when people would tell me this would happen. How could 18 years go by in the blink of an eye? Yet somehow they have.

I've watched this tiny baby grow up into a young man who is taller than I am. I've watched him take on every challenge life has handed him head on. I've watched him make friends and then realize that not everyone will be nice to you. I've sat back and watched while he dealt with bullying because he needed to know how to advocate for himself, even though I wanted to go up to the kids and shake them. I've watched him make what I think will be lifelong connections. I've watched him go from one grade level to the next, watched him make that transition to high school, and now I get to watch him graduate with a diploma.

When he was younger, I was warned that him graduating with a diploma might not be possible. His disabilities may prevent it. Instead, I watched him work hard. I watched as he would go over things and then go over them even more to try to do his best. I watched as he took his love of sports that he couldn't play and turn it into 4 varsity letters for managing the very sports that he loves. Ben will never be one to be happy sitting on the sidelines. He's a fighter. He's a hard worker. He's one great guy and I'm so proud to be his mom.

I don't know how this...

Ben at an Early On party.

went to this...

Ben joined the Varsity Football team in 2016!

and now to this...

Ben at the 2018 Senior Breakfast.

But somehow it's happened and while 18 years is, in theory, a long time, I wouldn't go back and change one single moment of being his mom. Congratulations, Ben! I hope you know just how proud of you I am.

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2017 is almost gone. Can you believe it? I know that I can't. It seems like just last week we were watching the ball drop and then the boys and I went back to playing games for a while before I chased them off to bed. But, here we are and since it's been a pretty big year around here, I thought that it was the perfect time for a year in review post. Positive things only because I don't think it's healthy for any of us to dwell on the negatives...just take what you can from them and move on. It's all any of us can do and remain (mostly) sane.

So, how did we do? Read on to find out!

Roger -
This kid had a pretty huge year. Back in the Spring, he was chosen not only for the Thornapple Jazz Festival All Star band, but also for the District 10 MSBOA All Star Jazz band. As if that wasn't enough, as soon as school was out, he attended the Aquinas Jazz camp and followed it up by leaving for Dominica less than 36 hours later. We both want to say thank you to those who helped get him there. It was an expensive trip and he couldn't have done it without his sponsors. While there, he helped remove fishing line from the coral reefs, went scuba diving, and studied invasive species which included catching and measuring tiny lizards and all sorts of things. It was an amazing experience for him and he still talks about it!

Since he's been back, he hasn't exactly rested on his laurels. He now has a job working at the local movie theatre, is an officer in Business Professionals of America, and is an honor student. As if that wasn't enough, he was/is leadership in his high school band and helped out a lot with marching band. Jazz season is upon us now and he's lead tenor in the high school jazz band. Perhaps most exciting for this Fall was his auditioning and being chosen to play with the Kalamazoo Youth Jazz Orchestra. Needless to say, he's one busy kid and this mom is a tiny bit relieved that he'll have his driver's license soon.

Ben -

Not one to let his brother look busier than him, Ben dove into working with the high school varsity teams again this year. He started the year with his second year of managing the varsity boys basketball team. It wasn't the most stellar of seasons, but his work running the camera for all of their games was highly praised. As soon as basketball wrapped for the year, he jumped right into working with the baseball team. It was a lot of hiking to the field, but he made some really good friends who helped out with rides and really enjoyed being outside and wearing the "infamous" duck hat. You'll have to ask him about that...lol

Summer came and found Ben working out at the YMCA summer camp, helping out in their kitchens. He really enjoyed it and learned some great skills that he can continue to hone. Once school came around again, Ben started his senior year. Yep, this kid is graduating this year! He worked hard with the football team, joined the Key Club, and helps out wherever he can. On top of that, he got to attend two Michigan State football games to cheer on his Spartans. We're back in the swing of basketball season and if he's not behind the camera, he's at practice encouraging the guys to work hard and to rebound.

Katrina -
As for me, I'm tired just writing about everything my boys did this past year. I know that I probably missed a few things too! As Ben says, "in all my free time", I was blessed to work with Nick and we published not one, but two books. Nick is an amazing storyteller and I am truly honored that he invited me into a universe that he created and said, "Here, it's yours now. Have fun." I'm incredibly proud of The Tether : None Good and The Tether : Except One. 

While most of my time belongs to getting the boys where they need to be or attending their events, I have also written a supplemental "novella" to go alongside books 1 and 2. In fact, with any luck, I'll be sending it off to Nick tonight for him to check out and to give me feedback on. I have some ideas for it that I'm hoping our readers will really like.

Looking back at 2017, my year doesn't look nearly as impressive as my boys, but knowing that I'm a big part of their years makes it all worth it. I'm looking forward to another "action packed" year. There will be more sports, more jazz, and more books and I'm thankful that I get to share those moments with all of you.





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What does a blogger do when an amazing friend surprises you with a box full of British chocolates? You collect up a kid and do a taste testing for "review" purposes! In this case, Ben was more than willing to help me delve deep into the box and choose two candies to try out. I know that it's a real struggle and trial for him, but he seems to be pretty good natured about it.

Today's choices are the Cadbury's Double Decker bar and the Cadbury's Daim Eggs. Since he's being so good natured about this, I let him choose and I'll reveal his opinions first.

Cadbury Daim Egg (Solid Milk Chocolate Eggs with Caramel Almond Pieces) : 

Ben - This doesn't taste like Hersheys but it's good. I could taste a lot of caramel and the nuts. The chocolate was sweeter than what we usually eat. It might be too sweet for me.

Mom - I agree with Ben. It is certainly more sweet and I was immediately hit with the caramel flavor. However, I never got the almond pieces. Perhaps I was expecting something a bit chunkier when it came to the nuts, though. Overall, it's honestly a piece of candy that I could have one of, enjoy and be good for the rest of the day. It might be great for those trying to cut back on candy consumption!

Cadbury Double Decker Bar (Layers of crispy cereal and nougatine wrapped in delicious Cadbury milk chocolate. )

Ben - I enjoyed this one better than the other one. I liked the crunchiness of the cookie portion. It wasn't as sweet, either. I could eat this for breakfast every day, even if it's not healthy.

Mom - I agree with Ben, again! (Wow, agreeing with a teenager twice in a row has to be a new record of some sort!) This one certainly wasn't anywhere near as sweet as the Daim. Thank goodness! When I tried the nougatine (that so sounds like nicotine in my head), I got a very strong flavor of coffee and even after eating it together, I was left with a coffee aftertaste in my mouth. Oddly enough, while the individual components had good flavor, when combined, it mellowed out into something that wouldn't stick out in my mind.

All in all, British chocolate is in a class all its own and we're looking forward to trying out all of the other flavors in this box!



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Ben,

I took this picture of you only a few short months ago and yet to me, you look so little like this. You've grown so much since then. You're no longer a boy, but a young man and that shows every time I look at you.

I wanted to be there today. I wanted to be the one to drop you off at school and make sure that everything was okay. For reasons outside of your control, I couldn't be, but please know that I so badly wanted to be.

I know that you were nervous about going to the high school. It's a bigger building and you were worried you wouldn't know where to go and that the classes would be so much harder than the ones in middle school. I don't worry though because you have always been my fighter. You may have been born early and born small, but you were born a fighter. You have never given up. You continue to grow stronger every day. You're no longer my tiny 5 pound 6 ounce baby boy. You're growing so tall and now that you're working out, you're growing so much stronger.

It's more than physical strength though. You have an inner strength that puts my own to shame. Every step of your life it has been you that has pushed yourself to new and harder things. When you mastered walking, it was you that took on climbing stairs. When you've struggled with something, it's been you who has said, "Mom, will you help me with this?" To say I'm proud of you is an understatement.

I know you worry about the classes, but I see that glimmer of excitement that comes whenever we have a new subject to tackle. You may not feel smart, but you are far smarter than you think. It's that inner strength that keeps pushing you to learn more and to improve every single marking period and in some ways, that's far better than having things come easily. You already know what it means to have to work for things and that will serve you well in life.

Ben, right now, you may feel like a little fish in a rather large pond, but remember that fish rarely swim alone. You have so many that love and support you. There's me, your dad, Megan, Coach, your brother and others who are right there with you every step of the way. Your classmates are there too and I bet they're just as nervous today as you are but you've always looked out for each other and that isn't going to change. There are the girls on the swim team who will help you if you get lost. There's Mr Holk who you knew way back in elementary school. You're not alone and you never will be.

You're growing up so fast and before I know it, it's going to be your first day of college. I hope that you take this time to truly enjoy what life has to offer. I am so proud of you. You've gone from being my tiny baby to being a young man, manager of the swim team, athlete and so much more. You have amazing things waiting for you, but they'll wait because every day is your day. Shine in it.

Love,
Mom





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About a month ago, I received an email from Aloha Island Lei with a review request. My first reaction was to chuckle. What was I going to do with a lei all the way over here in Michigan? Knowing though, that people would be getting married or having fun summer parties, I said sure, what the heck? Today, out of the blue, a long box appeared on my front porch. Opening it, I was amazed to find not one, but two gorgeous fresh flower leis.

I apologize for not taking pictures of the packaging, but I was far too eager to get them unwrapped! They smelled absolutely amazing and I couldn't wait to see them. I wasn't disappointed! These are beautifully made, smell delicious and are absolutely beautiful. Don't believe me? Check out this picture where I forced the boys to wear them and stand on the front porch..hehe...

Don't they look handsome?

What amazed me the most...other than the fact that I got them to do this for me? These came all the way from Hawaii and still looked this good! You'd have thought I'd picked them up on the island and snapped the picture within minutes! Honestly, if I ever get the chance to have a lovely beach themed party, I'm going to want one of these around my neck and the necks of my guests!

If you'd like some gorgeous flowered leis of your own, check out Aloha Island Lei! I've been very impressed and hopefully you will be too! Now, just for fun...my boys being all summer stylin'!

Roger - Age 12

Ben - Age 13

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Last week was our 2nd annual camping trip. I have to say that it was yet another fantastic time. With my life being so up in the air sometimes, it's just plain wonderful to have something that you just know is going to be amazing. Honestly, I'm already looking forward to next year's trip and that time spent with my family. Those that I consider family are a rather small group but I cannot imagine my life without them and any time that I get to take my boys and share new places with them is the highlight of any period of time.  Here are a few of the pictures that I took while we were gone:








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It's Wednesday and that means one of my favorite posts of the week! I admit that I'm still not into the habit of taking pictures on a regular basis, but I did happen to snap some this past week.


This is Peter, Megan (his new girlfriend) and Ben at last Friday night's hockey game. Sadly, the Spartans won (they were playing LSSU where I went to school) but a great time was had by all. I have to say that it's nice to do things as a family "group" versus an us and them attitude.



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Some of you might recognize the kiddo below. That's Ben, my oldest. Tonight was his first ever choir concert. I snapped this picture in his dad's kitchen afterwards. Ben has cerebral palsy and as some of you know, photographing a special needs child can be difficult. In Ben's case, when he sees the camera, he grimaces (he thinks it's a smile). Tonight, I discovered the secret to getting a real smile from him. All I have to do is pretend to be my bossy gps and he starts laughing.


I love this kid. He did a fantastic job at his concert and I am so proud of him


PS For more tips on how to photograph special needs kiddos, check out this wonderful post by Ryan over at NoMoreBacon.
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This isn't the post that I had planned on writing today. I had planned on a lovely book review for all of you to read and maybe even go find so that you could read it yourself. That was my plan. Then, life happened.

Life has a way of happening to me. I spoke with an amazing friend today on the phone and even he commented that when something good happens to me, life seems to come along and try to knock me down. In the past, I've let it knock me down. I've let it knock me down, let it move forward and then I've struggled back to my feet. It somehow always seemed easier that way. Don't fight it, just let it happen and then move on.

Today, I didn't let it happen and move on. I had someone hurt my feelings and I told them that they hurt my feelings. It wasn't just my feelings. They hurt me. It was like a physical blow. It made me cry. Today, I stood up for myself and said hey, you hurt me. They never responded directly to me. Instead, there was a comment on Twitter directed towards a group we're both part of. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for showing me part of your true nature. Life happens.

Life happened 11+ years ago when my baby boy was born with Cerebral Palsy. It happened again yesterday when we had to go speak to a surgeon about lengthening his hamstrings. It happened while she lectured us on how we haven't been doing enough for him and if we didn't do what needed to be doing, surgery could make things worse. I left that office feeling like I was the worst mother in the history of parenthood. I have a son who is scared and in tears about having to have surgery and who just keeps wondering why he has to be different from his brother and I don't have the right answers. How do I explain this so he understands and feels good about himself? How do I tell the surgeon that he hasn't had therapy this summer because I don't have the money to take him?

Now, we have to make those big decisions. Do we get him the surgery? I think we've decided that we need to. When do we do it? His dad wants to do it during Christmas vacation because otherwise, he'll miss a week of school. Me? I'm torn between a) it seems a cruel Christmas gift b) but I'll lose a week of my time with him and c) Responsible parents sometimes don't do the popular thing. In the end, I know I'll go with c but sometimes I just want to shout to the heavens that it's not fair.

Life isn't fair. Life is life. Life is hard. Right now, life is leaving me feeling that I'm just not enough. I'm not enough friend. I'm not enough parent. I'm not enough house cleaner or organizer. That's what I'm hearing and feeling right now. Is it true? If I'm honest, I'm going to say partially. I could do better. I need to do better. I've let things slip. I've given in to doing what's easy instead of what needs to be done.

Here's the honest to goodness truth. I need help. Not in the, I'll come take your kid to therapy for you sense, but in the honest to goodness good friend sense. Sometimes, living out here in the middle of nowhere, I feel alone. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm the one who people come to but that I don't ever speak up and say hey, what about me? Sometimes, I'm the one who needs the hug or the shoulder to cry on. I'm not good at that. I was raised to be the strong one. I'm the one who is expected to fix everyone else. The problem with that..I don't fix me or my life. I forget about taking care of me. I need to take care of me and sometimes, just sometimes, I need to be taken care of.






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On this day, I am thankful beyond belief for some of the fantastic people that I have in my life. After posting my last post, I felt hesitant to share it with people. I was scared of how people would respond to my call for help. I was afraid that they would judge me. I was silly.

I had the most incredible outpouring of support from friends; some that I've known forever and some that I've known only a couple of weeks. In fact, I am super excited to let you all know that we have had a laptop donated! I cannot begin to thank the generous soul who is donating it enough.

On top of that, two of my Mamavation sistas are running a giveaway to help raise money for any other items that he will need. Any money raised about and beyond what we need will be donated to March of Dimes. As you may remember, Ben was a preemie (and heck, we induced Roger 2 weeks early!) so this is a charity that is close to my heart.

So, if you would like to get involved in helping our family out, please go through the giveaway. The girls are giving away a prize pack that includes:

• Blog transfer to a self-hosted WordPress site or WordPress installation if you don’t already have a blog
• Custom domain name registration for 1 yr if you don’t already have one
• Blog hosting for 1 yr if you don’t already have hosting
• Custom blog design or re-design including header and button (Greta is a kick-butt designer)
• Standard plugin set-up: Comment spam protection, tweet this, facebook like etc. – we’ll work with you to determine which plugins you need.

Entries are $5 each. All you have to do is make a donation through the paypal button here or on their blog and then leave a comment with your paypal confirmation number.

Thank you again to all of the generous souls who are helping out my family and my son. You cannot begin to understand what it does to a mother's heart to know that her son won't have to struggle on without these tools. I don't care what anyone says, generosity and big hearts are more than alive and out there.



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This is Ben. Isn't he a handsome fellow? This was a quick picture that I snapped on Christmas morning as he opened the package of books that Santa had left him. If only I could convince him to read them now!

Ben is my miracle baby. In all reality, he shouldn't be here today. Let me give you a little bit of history.  On January 17, 1999, I went into preterm labor with his brother, Austin. Sadly, we lost him but in May of that same year, I got pregnant with Ben. I like to think that his brother was watching out for him because that was the pregnancy from hell.

I found out that I was pregnant, literally one week before we moved from Virginia back to Michigan. Since I had miscarried my first pregnancy and we knew all future pregnancies were going to be high risk, I was told not to touch anything. I wasn't to do any lifting of any nature. We managed to do the move but the day after, I started having sharp pains in my lower abdominal region and was sure that I was miscarrying. After a frightening run around Grand Rapids, trying to find a hospital (and being turned away at an emergency clinic because I had out of state insurance), it was discovered that he was just fine. The doctor figured that I must have pulled a groin muscle somehow.

The one huge blessing in all of that was that when I called for a follow up appointment, the nurse in the clinic told me not to go there but to call a specialist. It turns out that it was the best decision we ever made and I am thankful, to this day, to that nurse for being honest with me and not just trying to get another patient for their office. Dr. Balaskas was an amazing doctor. I should know! I saw him every week for that entire pregnancy. I was also on full bedrest that entire pregnancy.

He's the one who caught it when I started preterm labor at 26 weeks. He's the one who treated me time and time again for bacterial vaginosis (think yeast infection symptoms for weeks, ladies!). He's also the one who realized, at 35 weeks, Ben was not as active as he should have been. The thing is, I never realize just how serious it was because he was so calm through out the whole thing. He tried everything to get Ben going and when it didn't happen, he just told me that the hospital had better equipment and that I needed to go be listened to there.

He's the same doctor who I joked around with about never losing your sense of humor during the scary stuff. I believe it had to do with me counting dots on the ceiling while a resident removed my cerclage. He's also the one that saved my baby's life when he determined that we needed to do an emergency c-section. You see, it turns out that my placenta had very few blood vessels actually in it and many of those that were there had clotted off. My baby wasn't getting the oxygen and nutrients that he needed to survive. We were told later that if we had waited just another week, Ben wouldn't have made it. He's my miracle baby.

Well, my miracle baby is now 11 years old. He has cerebral palsy due to the pregnancy (not due to medical malpractice!). He's smart and funny and loves music more than any kid I know. He can also tell you just about any football game he's ever seen, along with any WWE wrestling match he's ever seen. He's a great kid who never gives up. Sadly, he does have some physical problems. In fact, we're considering doing hamstring surgery this summer to help with his gait. His writing is nearly illegible and he uses a word processor at school to type up a lot of his assignments.

Here's where I break down, folks. The word processor won't work for him next year. He's going on to middle school and what he uses now just isn't big enough to handle middle school work. He needs a laptop. He really needs it now so that he can be working with it and getting used to it before it's something he does every day. My miracle baby who has brought so much joy and love to my life needs something and I can't provide it for him. Yes, the district would provide it but he wouldn't be allowed to use it over the summer or even bring it home unless it was 100% necessary for an assignment. We really need to provide one for him and we just can't.

So, I'm going to reach out to you, my readers. If you know of anyone who is getting rid of a laptop, please have them contact me. If you know of a company who might be willing to donate one, again, put our names down. Lastly, and this one is the hardest for me, if you might be willing to donate money towards us purchasing one for him, please get in contact with me. I swear to you that all monies collected will go towards helping my miracle baby. He needs this to be successful as a student.

Any help that anyone can give will be greatly appreciated. I don't have much that I can give back, but I will give back where I can. If you can't help, please don't be sad. I understand and know right where you are. The fact that you stopped by and read his story (or the part I wrote here) means more to me than you can ever imagine.



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