I've been looking at my screen for probably ten minutes, trying to find the words to say what's in my heart this morning. This morning of my oldest son's high school graduation. I never imagined that I'd be one of those moms who had to fight tears just seeing her son in his cap and gown, but here I am. I am totally one of those moms and I'm not ashamed to admit that.

You see, just over 18 years ago, when my tiny 5 pound 6 ounce baby boy came into this world, I never thought the years would fly by as fast as they have. It feels as if I just closed my eyes for a moment and here we are. When I was a young mom, I'd chuckle to myself when people would tell me this would happen. How could 18 years go by in the blink of an eye? Yet somehow they have.

I've watched this tiny baby grow up into a young man who is taller than I am. I've watched him take on every challenge life has handed him head on. I've watched him make friends and then realize that not everyone will be nice to you. I've sat back and watched while he dealt with bullying because he needed to know how to advocate for himself, even though I wanted to go up to the kids and shake them. I've watched him make what I think will be lifelong connections. I've watched him go from one grade level to the next, watched him make that transition to high school, and now I get to watch him graduate with a diploma.

When he was younger, I was warned that him graduating with a diploma might not be possible. His disabilities may prevent it. Instead, I watched him work hard. I watched as he would go over things and then go over them even more to try to do his best. I watched as he took his love of sports that he couldn't play and turn it into 4 varsity letters for managing the very sports that he loves. Ben will never be one to be happy sitting on the sidelines. He's a fighter. He's a hard worker. He's one great guy and I'm so proud to be his mom.

I don't know how this...

Ben at an Early On party.

went to this...

Ben joined the Varsity Football team in 2016!

and now to this...

Ben at the 2018 Senior Breakfast.

But somehow it's happened and while 18 years is, in theory, a long time, I wouldn't go back and change one single moment of being his mom. Congratulations, Ben! I hope you know just how proud of you I am.

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“It isn't the long day of monitoring a child's precarious health or being hypervigilant about her mood and mental health challenges that weighs parents down; it's the wishing that things were different. . . . Resentment, not the intense care they must provide their child, is the parents' greatest stressor and source of pain.” —Laurie Wallin

Parents of specials needs children are exhausted. They've done all the research, consulted all the experts, joined support groups, gotten counseling, fought for the best life for their children. Often just caring for their children's needs and attempting to maintain a home maxes out parents' mental, emotional, and spiritual reserves.

Laurie Wallin knows firsthand the difficulties of this journey. With Get Your Joy Back, she steps forward to make a bold, audacious claim: in the midst of this long-term, intense task, it is still possible to have an abundant life, full of joy. The key to radically changing daily life and restoring joy to the weary is forgiveness. Wallin gives parents a lifeline to find that restoration, pulling them back to shore when they feel like they're drowning.

This book is full of practical, biblical insights and strategies to shed the resentments that leave Christian special-needs parents themselves spiritually, emotionally, and socially drained. Wallin meets readers right where they are, sugar coating nothing, but addressing issues with honesty, humor, and--above all--hope.

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As a single mom to a special needs kiddo, I've found myself sometimes feeling buried under his needs. Please don't get me wrong. I don't resent it for a single moment. My grieving time for not having a "normal" child is long past and I love this kid with everything I have and I am as insanely proud of him and his accomplishments as I am his younger brother. What I mean is that while making myself available to him 24/7/365 and dealing with his special needs (such as I tutor him every single night for hours), I've lost myself in the process. I stopped dreaming or even thinking that I could have dreams.

This book made me smile from the moment that I started reading it. Laurie gets it. Every single page seemed to have something that I could relate to. Some of it I've dealt with, some of it I'm still dealing with. This book isn't about how to handle your child's needs or to find the perfect specialist. It's about finding yourself, forgiveness and finding joy in the journey again. She encourages us to dream and that we deserve to dream. Will you find joy after reading this book? I don't know but I do know that it will remind you that you are not alone and sometimes just having that reminder can make a huge difference.



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Ben,

I took this picture of you only a few short months ago and yet to me, you look so little like this. You've grown so much since then. You're no longer a boy, but a young man and that shows every time I look at you.

I wanted to be there today. I wanted to be the one to drop you off at school and make sure that everything was okay. For reasons outside of your control, I couldn't be, but please know that I so badly wanted to be.

I know that you were nervous about going to the high school. It's a bigger building and you were worried you wouldn't know where to go and that the classes would be so much harder than the ones in middle school. I don't worry though because you have always been my fighter. You may have been born early and born small, but you were born a fighter. You have never given up. You continue to grow stronger every day. You're no longer my tiny 5 pound 6 ounce baby boy. You're growing so tall and now that you're working out, you're growing so much stronger.

It's more than physical strength though. You have an inner strength that puts my own to shame. Every step of your life it has been you that has pushed yourself to new and harder things. When you mastered walking, it was you that took on climbing stairs. When you've struggled with something, it's been you who has said, "Mom, will you help me with this?" To say I'm proud of you is an understatement.

I know you worry about the classes, but I see that glimmer of excitement that comes whenever we have a new subject to tackle. You may not feel smart, but you are far smarter than you think. It's that inner strength that keeps pushing you to learn more and to improve every single marking period and in some ways, that's far better than having things come easily. You already know what it means to have to work for things and that will serve you well in life.

Ben, right now, you may feel like a little fish in a rather large pond, but remember that fish rarely swim alone. You have so many that love and support you. There's me, your dad, Megan, Coach, your brother and others who are right there with you every step of the way. Your classmates are there too and I bet they're just as nervous today as you are but you've always looked out for each other and that isn't going to change. There are the girls on the swim team who will help you if you get lost. There's Mr Holk who you knew way back in elementary school. You're not alone and you never will be.

You're growing up so fast and before I know it, it's going to be your first day of college. I hope that you take this time to truly enjoy what life has to offer. I am so proud of you. You've gone from being my tiny baby to being a young man, manager of the swim team, athlete and so much more. You have amazing things waiting for you, but they'll wait because every day is your day. Shine in it.

Love,
Mom





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