The holiday time are upon us again and I realize that it's been a long time since I wrote more than a book review for this site. It wasn't because I didn't want to but because I needed to focus on rebuilding my life. Finally receiving a diagnosis was merely the first steps in what will be a lifelong journey.

I'm on medication now and it helps. The ups and downs are still there but for the most part, I can ride them out and still be functional. Once I got used to taking the medication, I started building routines to help me get through the day and to get back on track. I've been thrown off a time or two, but the basic routine is still there and it's helping me get through. Every so often, I add back in a piece that has gotten lost.

I sat not only this website aside, but also Geekorama.net which was a tough decision but one that was necessary. It's just now, nearly 6 months later that I'm slowly coming back to both of them. Instead, I focused on spending time with the boys and on slowly reclaiming my home. In that time, I've lost track of how many trash bags have gone out and how much we've donated. This past weekend, we helped load up 5 trash bags of stuffed toys, a full box of books, a fan, a vacuum and a small bookshelf to go to a family who lost everything in a fire. There will be a lot more to go as I slowly work my way through our home. So far, there are only three rooms that have been seriously worked on. Our laundry room has been redone, the bathroom is done and the boys' room is in progress. All of those I'm struggling to maintain but they're better than they have been in years. I'm hoping that by May..a year after my diagnosis, I'll have the entire interior of our home done and then I can focus on the van and the barn.

All of this sounds good, right? I've been making progress. I can't argue with that. There has been some really good progress around here. Except in one area...finances. Financially, we're barely hanging on. We're behind on some bills and there's never any extra money for anything and it kills me. Whenever I think about money, I feel like a complete and total failure.

I know there are those who know me who judge me because I don't work. They point to the trips that I've taken for the website and make comments about how they wish they had someone paying the way. They comment how I'm an abled body person who just lives off of their ex-husband and the generosity of others. They comment and I bleed inside. I want so badly to shake them and scream they wouldn't take my life if they had the chance..a life without a special needs child who *needs* his mother to do homework with him as much as she can because without that extra help, he doesn't succeed at school..a life with a mental illness that can be downright crippling at times. It's not a life that many would choose if they looked beyond the surface to what was happening inside.

I'm not making excuses. I'm telling you how it is. My oldest son is 13 and in the 8th grade. He's one of the joys of my life and I wouldn't trade those after school homework sessions for anything. My heart breaks on the days when I don't have the gas money to go help him and he calls me crying because he doesn't know how to do something. I would give anything to find a magic cure to help things not be such a struggle for him. There is no magic cure other than a lot of hard work, hard work that both he and I and his father and his father's wife put in. He'll be joining Special Olympics soon for bowling and I don't care if I have to beg on the street, I will find a way to get him the hour drive to practices.

As for me, I'm still rebuilding and it's going to take a while. One thing that I've learned in this process is that I have to go slow. I have to add pieces back in slowly. It's like a tower of cards. If you move too quickly, the whole thing collapses and you have to start over. I wouldn't give this to anyone. It's a challenge that nobody in life should have to face, but to many of us do every single day. Am I physically able to work? Yes. Am I emotionally and psychologically able? Unlikely. Adding in something that huge right now would cause my house of cards to collapse.

Would I trade my life for another? No. I love my children and I love the world that we're building together. I am who I am but sometimes being who I am makes me feel like a total failure. These past few years have been miserably hard for me and for the boys and it was my hope that this year I could provide them with an amazing Christmas..tree, decorations, wonderful Christmas Eve dinner with family movie time and then just for once, really spoil them on Christmas morning. That isn't going to happen this year. Both of the editing jobs that I had agreed to take on for this month fell through and
money just isn't coming through the door. I have bills that are piling up and we're struggling. I try really hard not to compare my life to others, but when I see people saying how broke they are and yet they're going to the movies or fancy places, it's hard. Then, I remind myself that I can't see behind closed doors to know their life more than they can know mine.

“In fact, if you're wondering if I expect miracles---the answer is yes. Even when they don't seem to happen, I keep believing in them. Even when I stop believing in them, I'll always start again. Because if you don't have hope, what's left? I believe. And maybe they'll happen in a way I never saw coming--they usually do. Or maybe I'll find the way to make them happen myself. But ether way--I expect miracles.” Jennifer DeLucy



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Did y'all know that it's only 6 weeks until Christmas? I suddenly realized that last night when I was looking at scheduling some posts over at Geekorama. Then, I had a moment of pure panic. I am just not organized about the holidays this year. Losing my grandma has thrown me all out of whack when it comes to anything that we used to spend with her. I don't even have my Christmas card list made let alone addresses collected or anything like that! Ahh!

Then I realized, treat.com may just save my hiney this year. I can go to the site, create a unique and personalized card and they can send it for me. No time standing in the store or waiting in line at the post office. Whew!

How about you? Are you set for the holidays? If not or heck, even if you are, why not head over to treat.com and try out the site? Create a card and then using the code TREATBLOGR, send off that card for Free*. Give them a shot and when you're done, come on back here and tell us about your experience. We would love to know!



*Free card offer only valid 11/19 and 11/20/2012.

This post is brought to you on behalf of treat.com. All comments, thoughts and opinions belong 100% to me.
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I know! I know! It's October! None of us want to hear about Holiday Cards, yet! Well, believe it or not, while some of us are cringing at the Santa Claus' in the stores, others are already planning out their holiday cards. They're browsing through all of the options and planning their family photos.

No matter which category you fall in, you cannot deny that Shutterfly has some of the greatest card choices for making personalized holiday cards. Every single year, I go there and I look through them, wishing that this year I had just a little extra money so that I could send out something like this instead of my dollar store selections. Do you guys feel the same way? If so, I have a bit of a treat for you...are you ready? How would you like the opportunity to win $50 off an order from Shutterfly? Now, I warn you that it won't include shipping and cannot be combined with other offers, but still, that's pretty awesome, right? I just love being able to bring things like this to you! Check out the Rafflecopter below and once you're done, why not browse the site a little and maybe even pick up a little something off their Special Offers page?


a Rafflecopter giveaway


This post brought to you by Shutterfly. All content is 100% mine because I wrote it. ) 

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Can you believe that it is now less than 3 weeks until Christmas? Where the heck has this past year gone? I'm not even sure where the last month has gone. I keep thinking I just wrote here and then I come over and bam! it's been something like three weeks. I need to do better. I'm doing pretty good with making the changes within the house and I'm going to keep doing that and I'm hoping to add in more blog stuff soon. If nothing else, I want to start doing my Wednesday photo posts again. Photos make me happy and happy is good. :)

Now, I know it's not Wednesday, but I just have to share some photos with everyone. I think I may..no wait, maybe I didn't. Ok, I need to give some background here. I've been divorced now for about 4.5 years. About 3.5 years ago, I moved out of the "family home" and moved to Buffalo. I didn't put up a tree for the two years I was there or last year because the apartment didn't have enough room and this house was in total chaos at this time last year. This year, when I went looking for my bin with all of our Christmas tree ornaments, I was dealt a pretty harsh blow. It's gone. The tote that held all of the boys' ornaments and all of the ornaments that I've had since I was probably a toddler. They're gone. As you can imagine, insert devastation here. Then, I took a deep breath and said no, I'm not going to wallow in this. Yes, it sucks in more ways than a person can imagine, but it could be so much worse. My friend Jenny just lost her husband and is looking towards a Christmas without him. There are people who can't give their children food, let alone presents or a tree.

So what did I do? I put out the word on Facebook that I was looking for anyone's spare ornaments. My father's cousin and his wife went through their ornaments and found some for us. I went digging through my holiday totes and found some that I'd gotten last year at Goodwill. I think I'd planned them for a craft project, but now they're happily shining on our little tree. We didn't put up the big tree this year. This house just isn't made for a 6' tree. We did have a great spot for our little 3-4' tree though. Now, without further ado...I'd like to introduce you to our tree....











Yes, those are popcorn strands. I sat on my couch, watching the boys play games, smiled and fed a needle through hundreds of pieces of popcorn. I thought about how thankful I was to my mother for giving me her ancient air popper so many years ago. When I needed it, it was right there in the cupboard. I also made that huge 3D star. I had no idea it would turn out as big as it did, but we love it no matter.

As we go into the holiday season and the crazy rush that sometimes happens, I want to ask my readers for two things:

1. If you have leftover ornaments that you're not going to use or that you just don't love anymore, look for a family who can use them. As I've said on Facebook, our family is hosting the "Ornament Rescue Program" for this year. If you have ornaments that you would like to share with our family, drop me an email and I can send you our address. If you have some that you just want to share, check out your local FreeCycle group.

2. The next time you walk by one of the bell ringers outside of a store, drop in your loose change. You have no idea how far that change can go. If you live in an area where those people don't exist, look around online. There are so many charities that can use a helping hand not just now but all year long.

One of the big topics of conversation around my house right now is finances. Honestly, it's a word that strikes fear in my heart. With the holidays coming up, it terrifies me even more. We're still struggling. In fact, with the increases in the heating and electricity bills, we're struggling even more than we were a year ago. We're making it but in some ways, we're just barely making it. Making it even worse, we're looking at moving right around Christmas/New Years and the added expenses for that freak me out.

Those of you who know me know that Christmas is a huge deal for me. I spend months coming up with the perfect gifts for people. I work hard to make sure my boys have a perfect Christmas with me. I spend time thinking and deciding what dish I should take to the family dinner because I want to make the perfect choice. Ut-oh...Does anyone else see a pattern here? Perfectionism has snuck in yet again.

Here's reality. Life isn't perfect. Holidays will never be perfect no matter how little or how much money I have. Some silly thing will go wrong or one cousin will pick a fight with another cousin. Perhaps this year one child will suddenly realize that another gets more spent on them at grandma's house. Yep, that's life. It's reality. Life isn't perfect.

So why do I try so hard to make it be? It all goes back to being abandoned by my own parents and my fears that my children will somehow think I love them less because I went to Buffalo for two years or because I don't live with them now. I want them to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are the most important pieces of my life so I try to create this perfect environment for them at the holidays.

I know, even on a good financial year, that I will never be able to buy them everything that they want. However, this year, it's killing me to know that I might not be able to buy them anything. I have nieces and nephews who expect me to give them something really great and personal because I do every year. This year, they might not get that. With the move coming, I've already told my boys that we won't be decorating this year. They're ok with that because they understand the work involved. My youngest, heaven love him, was concerned that without them there wouldn't be presents. He was worried that maybe Santa (I swear he plays along for mom's sake.) won't know we're still celebrating without them. I reassured him that there would be so now I have to find a way to make that happen.

Will Christmas be the perfect event that I always try to push for? No and that's ok. Perfection shouldn't have ever been my goal, even subconsciously. What it will be is ours. It will be us, together as a family. We will still read The Night Before Christmas together on Christmas Eve. We will still put out milk and cookies for Santa. They will still have something to open on Christmas morning, even if it's not the huge stack of presents that every kid dreams about. Who knows, maybe after opening their presents we'll go out and have a snowball fight before we go to see our family.

What's important is that Christmas is about love and family and I am so blessed to have both in my life. My boys may not remember what they got for Christmas 2010 but they will remember that their mom loved them enough to bake cookies with them and to cuddle with them to watch classic Christmas cartoons before tucking them into bed. They're going to remember that I loved them enough to give them me.