I want to sleep. I should sleep. I'm afraid to sleep. Like a knight of old, I stand ready. If I sleep, the thing we all fear will happen. I alone hold the power to keep death away. Somehow, I must fix this. I must stop death from coming and turn back time. I can do this. I must do this or the world as we know it will end. I will find a way. Nothing can stop me. No one will stand in my way. I will risk everything to save us. No price is too great when the future hangs swaying, mere inches from falling. This is my story and this is your story. I will find the happy ending or die trying.




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Tonight, I had someone dm me on Twitter to ask me why I was part of a group if I felt so negatively about it. Who it was doesn't matter. It's the message that they carried to me that shocked me. Not just that, but the way they approached me. I guess I should be thankful that they came to me at all.

The truth is...I'm not thankful. I'm hurt as hell. So, consider this post all about me. It's all about me defending myself and saying you know what, try to understand where I'm at right now.

Let's start with my life...

1. My family - My parents are being insane. That's the only way to put it. And for the record, yes, my family reads this. No, I don't care. For those that are behind the times, here's the scenario:  We're taking Thanksgiving dinner to my grandmother who is dying of stage iv colo- rectal cancer. This means I've spent god knows how much money getting food and god knows how much time figuring out how to move 1/2 my kitchen 90 minutes away. My parents, in a fit of total disrespect, are coming, not coming, coming, god knows...add to that my brother and his nasty attitude.

2. My grandmother is dying. I think one sentence sums that up.

3. The holidays. - Let's see..there was the stress involved in working out a "new" who has who with the kids. There's the knowledge that yet again, I won't be spending the holidays with Justin. There's the stressors to do with money.

4. My kitchen sink. - For over the past week now, I've spent 20+ minutes a day plunging it. The plumber now says it sounds like basement pipes need to be replaced. This means I can't catch up on dishes. My plan for fixing up our kitchen is crawling at a snail's pace. Did I mention I have company arriving in less than 4 hours?

So, to sum it up. I'm stressed...I am stressed to the point where I want to say fuck it all. Yes, I said a bad word. Deal with it. I'm stressed and when I get to this level of stressed, my brain chemicals go nuts and depression comes knocking at my door. I am doing everything I can to hold it together. It's not a huge shock to me and it shouldn't be to anyone else that I might be a bit negative right now.

Do I love Mamavation? Yes. I cannot begin to fathom why anyone would think I don't. Do I see flaws in it? Of course, I do. Nothing is perfect. I have ideas on how to improve certain areas. Have I been publicly negative about the group? Hell no. I don't know who the hell is going around saying I have but they can stop right now.  I work hard every week to support the women in that group. That group is one of the primary reasons that I've lost the weight that I have. The support in that group can be an amazing thing. The women in that group are wonderful people. I wouldn't and don't hesitate to recommend it to people who want to lose weight.

As for this nonsense regarding Anytime Fitness, I wish it would just stop. This kind of drama doesn't help anyone. I've publicly stated that watching the two groups throw their crap back and forth is depressing. It is. You have two groups that ought to be working in partnership. Instead, they're mud slinging. Grow the hell up. Yep, the title of the chapter was outrageous. Yes, I think Leah over-reacted. Now, before anyone jumps down my throat, read the rest. I think the authors over-reacted too. I think the title was a bit of sensationalism and it worked. Do I approve? Not especially but it worked.

Do I think Leah is evil incarnate or any other horrible thing? God, no. I think Leah is great. I think what she's done is great. I think what she's doing for other women is great. Got that, I said Great. I didn't say evil. I didn't say bitch. I didn't say reactionary or any other bad word. Contrary to some beliefs, I have not and will not Leah bash. I know some have taken my comment on a blog post as just that, but it's not.

Do I think Anytime Fitness is a horrible monster? No, I don't. I think they're a company that has the potential to and maybe already does provide a great service. I don't know the CEO or the company well enough to made a judgment.

Got all that? I hope so because is the one and only time I will blog about this. I'm over it. Everyone should be by now. If you want to change the fitness world, don't just talk about it, get off your ass and do something. If you're not doing something, don't bitch and whine to me.

So to all of you out there who feel I'm too negative these days, step outside your own little world and take a peek into mine right now. It's not the most pleasant place to be living. The honest to God's truth is I know it could be worse. It could be so much worse and that's what I try to focus on right now. I focus on the good as much as I can. I focus on my two amazing boys. I focus on the man that loves me. I focus on the few really great friends I have. I try hard to take things one day and sometimes one step at a time.

I guess that just leaves me with one favor to ask of all of you...if you have some sort of negativity that you feel you need to add to my life, please don't. I don't have the strength right now to fight off your attacks. I don't have the energy. I'm down to my last grip as I fight my way through. Yes, life is a battle right now but it's a battle that I'm not giving up on. If you can't help me with this battle, please do me a favor and just go away...



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Sometimes it is so hard to be a mom. I don't often write these kinds of posts here but today, I just have to let some of this out of my head and out of my heart before I explode.

I'm going to say this here because it's a safe place to say it. Yes, some people might get upset that I put it out there, but it needs to be said. Sometimes it is hard to be a mom. It is even harder to be a single mom whose children live primarily with their father. There. I said it.

My ex-husband is divorcing his wife of 9 months. I'm not going to get into the reasons behind the divorce other than to say that the reasoning alone stresses me out and takes me back to some of the reasons behind our divorce, nearly 5 years ago. However, that is between them and doesn't really concern me. What does concern me is our children and how all of this is going to affect them.

You see, their stepmom is moving out of the house and going back to New York. No surprise there, right? The boys don't know yet. Surprise. She's leaving in less than 10 days. They haven't told the boys. I don't know when they intend on telling the boys. This has me just sick. Literally, sick. Those two boys adore that woman. She has been a big part of their lives for nearly 2 years and now she's leaving and they haven't told them. They haven't given them a single hint that something is wrong or that she's leaving.

The worst part? I can't protect them from this. I can't protect them from the pain that is going to come when she leaves. Will they understand that it wasn't their fault? That it had nothing to do with them? I don't know. Will they understand that she loves them and doesn't want to go? I don't know. What I do know is that I can't stop their hurting. I can't fix this. It isn't a scraped knee or a bumped elbow. I can't put a bandaid and a kiss on it and make it better.

I want to hold them close and tell that it will all be ok. I want to, as my grandmother would say, wrap their little hearts in bubble wrap so that things like this didn't have to hurt them. I know that parts of growing up hurt but this feels so unnecessary. They shouldn't have to experience this. I don't want them growing up thinking that this sort of thing is normal or right or how it always happens. How do I counteract this? How do I teach them that relationships can last? How do I be the best parent I can be when I only see them for 2 days out of every 14?

How do I explain to Ben's doctors why I don't know what's going on with him? Or why exercises aren't being done or braces aren't being worn? They always look at me first. I'm the mom. The mom should know the answers to these questions. The mom should be able to protect her babies and to take care of them. Sometimes, it's hard being a mom.



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Well, it's official.We won't be renting the house in Kalamazoo. I got an email tonight from the owner saying that he would rather work with local people than with us. It's a pretty big disappointment for me. I really liked this house. I'm trying hard not to be upset, but it's tough. Nothing with this move seems to be going right. Justin hasn't found a job, though on a positive note, we're hoping the headhunter that Peter gave his resume to calls tomorrow or next week with something. The rental has now fallen through which means we're back to square one as far as that goes. I've been so swamped with school that I haven't packed a single box in two weeks. I could really, really use something to go right. It's such a seriously stressful way to live when you're not sure where you're going to be living in a month or how you'll be supporting your family if you do find someplace to live. But, there's nothing I can do about it at this time of night, so I need to take a couple of deep breaths and remember that if we didn't get this place, it was for a reason and something better is out there.

I know that I promised everyone a picture filled wonderful post for today, but I'm afraid it's just not coming and I apologize. As most of you know, money is ridiculously tight here and I've been struggling to pay off the credit card debt that I left my marriage with. Well, as it turns out I didn't do good enough. I'm making payments on three of them, but one of my accounts got sold multiple times and by the time I finished tracking it down, it had been sold to a company that buys accounts just so it can sue for the money. This sounds so wrong and unethical, etc to me but it was made clear to me that this is what they do and this is what they're going to do to me. Since there is no way I can come up with $3000 before Friday..yes, this Friday..they're going to have me served on either Friday or Monday. So needless to say, I'm not much in a happy blogging mood today. I have a call into the Volunteer Lawyer Unit here but their machine said it could take up to a month for them to call me back. Keep your fingers crossed that this isn't the case.

Right now, I am a total wreck and so is this apartment. I have company coming tomorrow, but he's aware of what's happening and just keeps telling me that I'm more important than the apartment and we'll just dodge and weave whatever we need to. He's determined to stick to our plans and that we'll have a great weekend. I'm gonna try to put on a happy face and let the worry sneak back next week, but this is the worst time for this to happen...right before finals week.