Perfectionism

As some people know, I'm a "collector." What do I collect? Well, a lot of things, I suppose. The honest truth is that up until the past year or so, I didn't realize just how much I had collected. Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while got a look at some of it when I showed you "The Wall" photos as I was working on clearing pieces of it out.  What you didn't see what the boxes that got moved into the laundry room and stacked there. What you didn't see what the ongoing general state of my house.

Well, don't worry, I'm not going to terrify any of you with pictures of it now. However, I've decided that it's time that I got real, not only with myself but with all of you who have stuck by me. One of the steps in any recovery is admitting that there's a problem. I've done that. I've looked around this house and realized that part of my panic about moving is taking all of this with me and starting another disaster in another house.

Like I said yesterday, I'm not perfect. I never will be. What I've done up until now is let perfectionism get in the way of doing anything at all. I've looked around, become overwhelmed and said to myself, "You can't get this house perfect so why even try?" There are other reasons for why I have so many items. It's very likely that I'll be writing about that later this week. One thing seems to lead to another, doesn't it?

Last night, I laid in bed and I couldn't sleep. My mind went round and round and round about this upcoming move. I kept thinking about how I'd never be ready; how I would never have everything packed and organized and ready. Suddenly, I realized what I was doing to myself. I was setting myself up for failure. I was telling myself I was a failure at something before I'd even begun. I know how dangerous that can be. If I continue down that road, I'm going to sink into a debilitating depression and I'll be right, nothing will get done and I won't be ready. Perfectionism at its absolute worst.

I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be me. I just need to take it one day at a time and one project at a time. I need to remember that I may not be able to take on an entire room but I can take on a countertop or a desk and then look at it and feel good about what I've done. I need to remember that while not everyone will understand, there are those who will try and those who will want to help me. I am not alone in this problem or in this world.