Life With Katie: geek

Monday, April 18, 2016

The Struggle is Real

I'm tired and not the normal kind of tired. I call this depression tired..this unnatural need/desire to sleep all of the time. I feel as if I only have the energy to be up for tiny pockets of time and then I want to sleep again. It's hard to function when all you want to do is sleep and even though you battle, there's no real winning the war.

I know what triggered this, but like the battle for energy, there's nothing I can do to change the cause. I went to a convention last weekend and it was good. It was wonderful being back out among people and not just any people, but people who love indie comics as much as I do. I even helped do a panel which was amazing. It felt so good to talk about things that I knew and to have zero doubt that I knew what I was talking about.

I have to admit just remembering that experience has put a smile on my face. You see..I had planned on writing a personal post about my time in Columbus, but this wasn't it. It is now. You never know where things are going to go when you sit down to write, or at least I don't.

So, here's the thing...Columbus was a test for me. For the past year, I've shut myself off more and more. Some have noticed, most haven't. It's easy to hide when you don't live near anyone and everyone is so busy with their lives that they don't notice when you quietly slip away. Very few reach out and say hey, where did you go? I'm lucky that very few doesn't equal zero. Still, I needed some answers.

As I shut myself away, I slowly convinced myself that my other site would be better off without me. I wasn't sure if I still had the passion to do what needed to be doing. After all, the best person to run a site is someone who feels passionate about what the site does. With the struggles I've had over the past year, I wasn't sure if that person was me anymore. So, I decided that I needed to either find out or hand the site over to my second in command.

The test? Take myself off to a convention that is strictly 100% tiny indie comics..no vendors, no larger indie publishers that we already work with, just tiny indie guys. I figured that by the end of the weekend, I would know just how I felt about the industry and my future with Geek-o-Rama. Turns out that I was right. By the time I got back to the hotel room Sunday night and had a chance to reflect, I had my answers. I still love what I do. I love meeting new people and hearing about their passion for an industry that isn't the easiest to break into. I love being able to give bits of advice (though seriously, I may need to start charging consulting fees) and being able to share what I (and my amazing staff) do with them. Don't get me wrong, I still love working with the bigger indie publishers, but my heart will always lie with the underdog.

Honestly, it came as an incredible relief. I was afraid that this was one more thing that had been taken from me. It wasn't though and over the summer, I plan on diving back into the pool and working harder than ever.

To close out this post, how about a Top 5 list of random things from SPACE 2016?

Spending $5 to purchase an 11 year old's first comic and an art print from her is something that will never stop bringing a smile to my face. It's important to support our children's passions.
Having towels in your hotel room is really a good thing and hotels should be on top of that.
There's something great about making random connections on the road with people you'll never see again, but in that moment, you connected.
Waffle House post con with two really fun people is an experience that I hope to have again. One of the toughest parts of conventions is the sitting alone in a hotel room with takeout afterwards.
I really do love what I do and I need to stop letting anxiety get in the way of getting out there.

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Sunday, February 22, 2015

The Trouble With Being a Nerd

Katie 3:31 PM 2 Comments

Image via Tumblr

The other day, I was approached about writing for a site that considers themselves to be a nerd blog. Now, I confess that I've read all of one post on their site, but my immediate reaction was that I don't think I'd have anything to possibly contribute. I know that one of the two contributors writes about comics/games and I have no idea what the owner writes about. It bothered me though that I was so quick to reply with, "I have nothing to offer." It bothered me more than the fact that the owner immediately responded with something along the lines of me not being a fit, after all.

Why was I so quick to jump to that answer? Is it because I really believe that I have nothing to offer to a nerd blog? Is it because I run a geek site of my own and I rarely write for it so it'd almost feel traitorous for me to start writing someplace else? Or is it because it's really hard to be a nerd within the nerd kingdom sometimes?

The term nerd these days encompasses just as much as the term geek. It used to be that these were very separate terms with different definitions. To some, they still are. For the most part though, I hear them interchanged without anyone blinking. The problem is that they encompass so much. It's become overwhelming. The idea of picking just one subject to write about is like asking a person to reach down into a pile of gemstones and pull out the one tiny chip of a diamond that's in there, but you can't look as you reach. It's a blind pull.

So, when I was asked, my brain panicked and tried frantically to sift through any and all of my interests to find the one thing that would make my writing worth writing. A panicky brain is not a good brain. I blanked. If asked the same question right now, I would have the same answer. I don't know. There are too many options and so many that I don't feel like any sort of expert in.

This leads me to the other problem when being asked to write for a site like this, nerd panic. This is a very really thing, folks. It's that feeling you get deep inside when someone asks about your fandom. It's that series of thoughts that go buzzing through your head: "What if they don't like my fandom? What if I don't do a good job of representing it? Will all the nerds/geeks hate me?"

I would love to say that even a geek/nerd as secure as myself and who stands up every single day for the individual and that your fandom is not my fandom and my fandom is not your fandom, but no fandom is better than another, is immune to this, but I'm just not. It can be hard to be a nerd in today's kingdom of nerdom. There are so many things to be a fan of and each and every one of these has a handful of ultra-nerds that know every single detail about whatever it is. Those are the ones who scare us; the ones who not only know everything, but will be the first in line to tell you that you're wrong. The last thing any of us want to hear is that we're not really a geek or a nerd or a part of the community.

After all, humans are meant to be a part of things. We're meant to seek out those like us and to join with them. To be told that we can't be a part of that is not only humiliating, but on some levels, it's also painful. It's as if a piece of your identity is being ripped away and depending who you are, that can be a tiny piece or it can be a huge part of who you feel that you are. There are some of us who live very solitary lives and when we connect with a group of people and we feel as if we're a part of something, it is a very big deal. We've finally found a place where we fit in. Knowing that there are those who could rip that away from us is very scary. It's why people won't speak up about their fandoms or they keep them secret. Yes, there are closet bronies, browncoats and whovians. They exist and they exist because these shows represent a piece of their own personality and there is a fear that if they speak up about them, someone may judge that piece of them. Sometimes, it's more than a show, a comic, a movie; it's a piece of us on paper or screen.

So, why didn't I jump at the chance to do something that I love (writing)? It's probably a blend of all of the reasons, but the biggest one? A fear that my fandom, my geek girlness would come under attack and it's easier to accept that someone doesn't see you as one at all than to have them see a piece of your very self and have them rip that apart. Remember folks, that just because someone may not know what color the blade of grass was on some far off planet on some far off date doesn't mean that they don't heavily relate to some character who is standing on that same blade of grass and because they relate, it's like watching themselves. Each of us is entitled to not only our own fandoms, but our own level of fandom. Next time someone asks me to write, I'm hoping that I remember this and I step out, even if I'm afraid, and I write some kick ass piece for a site that celebrates that very premise.

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# fear # geek

Monday, April 18, 2016

The Struggle is Real

Sunday, February 22, 2015

The Trouble With Being a Nerd

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